Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally judgey pants over this?

45 replies

OldCatLady · 07/03/2014 21:55

Been with my boyfriend almost a year, serious relationship, planning on moving in soon.

At the beginning the "how many ex's" conversation came up, he told me 4 girlfriends, around another 10 flings/people he's slept with. No problem with this at all. (I'm a bit less but around the same)

Skip to last week...it basically turns out it's more like 50 and he didn't want to tell me at the start because he knew I'd be judgey. I'm kind of shocked and it's sort of changed how I see him a little (still love and adore him), I just didn't think he was 'that' kind of guy.

Am I unreasonable to be a bit judgey/annoyed/upset/shocked at this?

And of course I know you can't change the past etc, it's just sort of changed what I think of him, I never thought of him as a one night stand type, but obviously he is/was.

OP posts:
Coldlightofday · 07/03/2014 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenLandsOfHome · 07/03/2014 21:58

How do you know it's now 50?

If he's volunteered this information the true figure may be higher still...

Oakmaiden · 07/03/2014 22:00

How old is he?

50 partners for a 23 year old would concern me - for a 40 year old it would not really be particularly disturbing...

Sparklysilversequins · 07/03/2014 22:01

YABU. Best way to start injecting resentment and discord into your relationship if you start turning your nose up at stuff that he did in HIS past before he ever even met you. It's absolutely none of your business to be honest and I expect he wishes he hadn't been so open with you.

feathermucker · 07/03/2014 22:01

Judge him on his actions now, not his past.

YABU

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2014 22:01

What 'kind of guy'?

Original poster
OldCatLady · 07/03/2014 22:02

He's 26. He volunteered this information when the subject came up. He says he went through a 'phase' at uni.

I have never liked 'that' sort of guy...the ones that have one night stands/use girls for sex etc, and now it turns out that was him. I'm not sure how to feel :/

OP posts:
ExitPursuedTheRoyalPrude · 07/03/2014 22:02
    1. Whatever.
ExitPursuedTheRoyalPrude · 07/03/2014 22:03

Sheesh.

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2014 22:03

Why do you assume he was 'using' girls for sex instead of simply having consensual, mutually enjoyable sex with them?

You don't appear to think much of him.

Sparklysilversequins · 07/03/2014 22:03

Oh grow up!

Coldlightofday · 07/03/2014 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeanSeberg · 07/03/2014 22:04

Why on earth does anyone have this conversation ffs.

ExitPursuedTheRoyalPrude · 07/03/2014 22:05

Women can just enjoy sex as well.

invicta · 07/03/2014 22:05

He's being honest with you - that's a good sign. As he said, he went through a phase, but has now come out of it. I shouldn't worry. It's the future that counts, not the past.

InThisTogether · 07/03/2014 22:51

YABU, really it's none of your business (sorry) and if you think less of him, well, maybe you don't 'still love and adore him' as much as you first thought?

ilikebaking · 07/03/2014 22:53

As long as he has no diseases it doesn't matter if it is 1 or 1000.
Get a grip.

Meepers · 07/03/2014 22:55

I just cannot get my head round why it matters.

susiedaisy · 07/03/2014 22:59

I would be hurt that he lied tbh. I have only had one sexual partner my exh of 20 years, I can't imagine ever sleeping with another 49 so I can see the op point of view. Everyone's different.

betman · 07/03/2014 23:08

Yabu for thinking that just because he has had 50 partners he has used women for sex.

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 07/03/2014 23:09

My dh had MANY partners/one night stands before he met me. We have been married 25 years now... Once he met me that was it, so why would I judge him? (Unless to wish I'd had more fun myself!)

It does.not.matter .. and he WAS right..you are judging!

And as for 'that kind of guy'...how he was 5 years ago or whatever has no bearing on him now. My own children have had more sexual partners than I ever did (they are aged 20,22,) and I don't judge them. And they are women.. does that make them 'loose women'?

FunkyBoldRibena · 07/03/2014 23:13

I've never told anyone, including my OH of ten years how many. As none of them matter now anyway.

DownstairsMixUp · 07/03/2014 23:13

I wouldn't be hurt at him sleeping with that many people, it would be the lying about the amount to begin with. That would pee me off.

Robfordscrack · 07/03/2014 23:27

I don't think it's a big deal really. He was worried what you thought about him. I think that's quite normal in a new relationship and he came clean with you now, didn't he?

AgentZigzag · 07/03/2014 23:31

'I have never liked 'that' sort of guy'

But you do like 'that' sort of guy if it turns out he's slept with that many women and you don't like it. He hasn't suddenly transformed into someone else, he's still the same bloke.

How do you know it was him doing the using/dumping?

You have to take him as he is, it's a bit controlling to be thinking you can judge him on how many people he's slept with, he'd slept with the same amount of people when you met him, it's irrelevant.