Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be totally judgey pants over this?

45 replies

OldCatLady · 07/03/2014 21:55

Been with my boyfriend almost a year, serious relationship, planning on moving in soon.

At the beginning the "how many ex's" conversation came up, he told me 4 girlfriends, around another 10 flings/people he's slept with. No problem with this at all. (I'm a bit less but around the same)

Skip to last week...it basically turns out it's more like 50 and he didn't want to tell me at the start because he knew I'd be judgey. I'm kind of shocked and it's sort of changed how I see him a little (still love and adore him), I just didn't think he was 'that' kind of guy.

Am I unreasonable to be a bit judgey/annoyed/upset/shocked at this?

And of course I know you can't change the past etc, it's just sort of changed what I think of him, I never thought of him as a one night stand type, but obviously he is/was.

OP posts:

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK · 07/03/2014 23:32

Iv not read most of this so it might already be here, but if you guess he was 16 for his first time that only makes 5 girls a year he has slept with roughly.

Iv not been single since I was 18 but if I had been single I can't say how many people I would have ended up sleeping with had I not been but say I had a series of a month or 2 month relationships over 10 years I could easily reach that number I suppose.

JabberJabberJay · 07/03/2014 23:34

I really don't get why this matters. Nor why couples seem to need this kind of disclosure.

He wanted you to think well of him early on and so he told you what you obviously wanted to hear. He's told you the truth now and you're judging him. WTF?

Do you like him? Does he treat you well? If yes, then don't throw a perfectly good relationship away by getting on your high horse over this.

How many people he shagged before he met you is none of your business frankly.

WiseKneeHair · 07/03/2014 23:38

It's the past; it really doesn't matter. I have no idea how many partners my DH had before I met him and he doesn't know how many I have had. We've managed to stay together 23 years. The important thing is that we haven't had any other partners in that time -that I know of--

hoppingmad · 07/03/2014 23:43

Wiseknee, I'm the same. I've never asked dh how many women he's slept with, it's a slightly odd conversation in my mind. Sort of makes me think I'm buying a car '3 previous owners'
Ok, maybe not exactly but it's still odd.
Mind you I'd have to think for a bit to figure out my own number - not that it's particularly high, I'm just a bit old

Op, get over it. So long as he's not adding to that number during your relationship it's actually none of your business

wheresthebeach · 07/03/2014 23:55

Well...look on the bright side - at least he should know what he's doing!

usualsuspect33 · 08/03/2014 00:01

If you can't get your head around he had a life before you. Then it ain't going to work.

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 08/03/2014 00:06

I don't think it matters what everyone else thinks - only you know if it is going to be a problem. You either have to be confident it won't bother you or decide that it's not going to be an issue. What you can't do is carry on with the relationship and give him grief over it (or give yourself grief over it)

If you are unsure then maybe it's a little early to be moving in together.

AgentZigzag · 08/03/2014 00:07

Is it that you're more bothered about what you think it says about the way he treats women (and the way you expect him to treat you eventually) than the actual numbers OP?

If it is then I don't think you have anything to worry about because you've been with him a year and it's serious, he's obviously found what he was looking for.

RaspberryRuffle · 08/03/2014 00:17

Yabu. He's still the same guy. He was right about you being judgemental.
As a PP said it averages about 5 a year. It doesn't matter if it was 5 a month (or more) at uni if it was consensual and safe.

Have never had this conversation with DH. Really don't care as long as it's just me now.

beaglesaresweet · 08/03/2014 02:33

not sure why he felt the need to bring it up at all. Especially if he thought OP would be sensitive or would judge. Was it some sort of 'challenge'? then not so great.

fwiw I can see, as AgentZig says, that OP may be worried about his moral values rather than just the number per se, i.e. that if he was ok with ONSs then there is danger of him doing it again (another 'phase'). Otoh people can and do change, and if he said it without boasting (and especially if he sort of disapproved of his own behaviour) then Op, don't worry, you are still not miles apart.

I do think that moral values should be compatible. If OP sees ONS as a low-moral thing, she obv wants her partner to be on the same page. For people who are very liberal and see nothing wrong with it - absolutely their right but they need partners with same views, it's not a small thing. These attitudes are ingrained and it's not fair to expect someone to just switch off their moral codes.

sykadelic · 08/03/2014 03:01

No YANBU because it's something that upsets you and something that bothers you and he KNEW it would bother you and lied about it.

I don't like "that sort of guy" and wouldn't have dated "that sort of guy" either BUT that's only if he still IS that kind... I think part of your problem is you're thinking he still might be.

His past would upset me because, as I'm sure is your problem, I would wonder what else I didn't know about him and what else I had misjudged... especially when on here you read so many women who missed the red flags.

I think that because you've already been together a year and are planning on moving in together, you presumably know each other pretty well and like each other a lot.

If you're otherwise happy with your relationship and don't feel threatened in any way, please don't let this part of his past ruin your relationship. The simple fact you didn't think of him as "that type" when you met him would make me think he has changed. Give him a chance to continue to prove that.

OutragedFromLeeds · 08/03/2014 03:05

YANBU

When it comes to partners you can be as judgy as you like imo. If it bothers you, then it bothers you, it doesn't matter that mumsnet thinks it's ok.

All the 'past is past'/'he was a different person 5 years ago' stuff is crap as well. If he'd cheated on/beaten/murdered a previous partner you'd be told 'once a cheater/wife beater/murderer always a....'. Unless he's had a serious brain injury he is the same person he was in the past, older and wiser maybe, but fundamentally the same person. He's also the same person he was last week before you knew how many people he'd slept with.

Only you know whether he's the sort of person you want to be with.

NobodyLivesHere · 08/03/2014 03:14

Are you seriously comparing having some consensual sex whilst single to being a cheat, a rapist or a murderer outraged?!?!

Wow.

OutragedFromLeeds · 08/03/2014 03:26

I don't think so. What I'm saying is that his previous behaviour is indicative of what his future behaviour will be and if his past behaviour was less socially acceptable people would be quick to point this out. This doesn't bother people so they're quick to explain it away as 'his past/none of OP's business' etc. Someone who has shown great kindness in the past is more likely to in the future. Someone who has been very bad at managing money in the past is more likely to mismanage money in the future. Someone who has had a free and easy approach to sex in the past is more likely to in the future. That was my point.

Only the OP knows whether that bothers her or not, but I don't think she's being unreasonable to be bothered. I also don't think she'd be unreasonable if it didn't bother her. Different strokes.

MusicalEndorphins · 08/03/2014 03:31

You have every right to feel any way that you feel. Just because some people do not care how many persons their partners has had sex with does not mean that you have to have the same standards.

At the end of the day it is how you feel that matters in your relationship.
I suggest you take some time to digest it before making any decisions on moving in. You need to know how you feel in case you discover that it is a deal breaker.

SelectAUserName · 08/03/2014 03:35

In your shoes I'd be more worried about him having lied first time around. He guessed, correctly, that you would have an issue with his number but rather than giving you the information and allowing you to process it and decide what it meant to you in terms of an ongoing relationship, he chose to lie. It's obviously something that is more important to you than it might be to other people. Would it have been a dealbreaker if he had told you the true figure originally, before you got to know him so well?

FWIW I think beagles and sykadelic speak wisely.

Sunnysummer · 08/03/2014 03:40

It's a shame he lied, but he did come clean and clearly he had an inkling you might find it hard to handle.

Fwiw, sleeping around a bit at uni doesn't necessarily make him 'that guy' or someone who 'used women'. One night stands aren't everyone's cup of tea but they aren't always about a man using a woman either.

If you like him and he like you and you're both clear of stds and planning to be on the same page with monogamy NOW then that it what matters.

QueenofLouisiana · 08/03/2014 06:16

If he went through a phase at uni, I don't think it is too terrible. If he was single and his partners knew they were having a fling or one night thing, then that's not a problem. A new partner every few weeks would easily get you to that number over 3 years- allowing for longer term relationships since then.

If he is a serial cheat or hasn't been tested for STIs, that is totally different and needs more careful consideration.

JessePinkmansMom · 08/03/2014 06:32

If you assume he 'used' most of those 50 women for casual sex then you also have to assume there must be a string of around 50 poor, bewildered, broken hearted young women out there who thought if they slept with him after a night out he'd marry them and love them forever.

If you asked him how many partners he'd had early on in the relationship, before he was committed to you, then he was entitled to give you whatever answer suited him at the time. He was not obliged to open up and be entirely honest about his past - you were dating him, not interviewing him for a job as the next Pope.

So he has chosen to be honest with you now - because it matters more now. It's up to you how you choose to look at this, but if I had shagged 50 people before my mid twenties then I might not feel especially inclined to spill my guts about it to a new partner just because they asked either. Not because I'd be ashamed, but because I am don't choose to tell people my private business until I am good and ready - especially if I think they are likely to have a strong opinion on it.

ballstoit · 08/03/2014 06:56

YABU. I hate the numbers conversation, having been single for a good chunk of my twenties. I never admit to the ( 30 ish) people I've slept with after a friend was totally judgey about it.

I really don't think the number reflects anything about me, other than that I enjoy sex, have sex after 3 or 4 dates and didn't have as long term partner for about 6 years. When with a partner I don't cheat, I've never given unrealistic expectations and I've used condoms with all except Ex-h.

As someone else said, if this is really causing you to judge your dp, perhaps you're not as suited as you thought.

Flip

1 2