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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my brother is being an idiot

75 replies

Verycold · 05/03/2014 23:34

His dd has repeatedly expressed a wish to learn the violin or recorder. Db won't have it "as he can't stand the sound in the house." Yet my nephew is allowed to learn the guitar, as that is agreeable apparently

Why my dsil lets him get away with it I'll never know. If only we lived closer I'd happily let my niece keep and practise an instrument at ours...

OP posts:

olgaga · 06/03/2014 00:51

I pre-empted this by getting DD a glockenspiel then a Yamaha keyboard when she started junior school and she still loves it now she's in Yr8. There's never been any fingers-in-ears, we just upgraded to a better one and she plays some wonderful stuff.

Friends who played violin, recorder, trumpet, trombone etc have all given up and now play nothing at all.

A friend who started on clarinet still plays, and has also taken up guitar.

I recommend a glockenspiel which are really affordable and a good easy intro, and definitely a clarinet rather than a recorder.

R2G · 06/03/2014 00:52

I think yabu as its not really any of your business (in the nicest possible way). He should let her learn something if she wants to but it's up to them if they want something they can all tolerate

IceBeing · 06/03/2014 00:52

morloth yes and it will be more than that before long...all that time....10,000 hours you child will likely put in ...so shouldn't it be on the instrument your CHILD chose rather than the one YOU chose?

Morloth · 06/03/2014 00:53

He did choose, he was given a list of instruments by the school and I said: 'Yep, anything but the drums and the violin'.

Poor kid.

IceBeing · 06/03/2014 00:56

so short sighted and ignorant to exclude violin... drums are actually louder...but violin just has a bad reputation....perpetuated by ignorance.

I knew what I wanted to play...I would have been very upset if I had been forced onto a different instrument through my parents ignorance.

IceBeing · 06/03/2014 00:56

oh and OP yanbu.

Morloth · 06/03/2014 01:00

Drums too big, violin too expensive.

He got over it pretty quick.

You can't always have what you want.

DS1 is a very privileged boy, not being able to learn the violin in primary school will not impact his long term life at all. Of this I am certain.

RonaldMcDonald · 06/03/2014 01:11

A lot of people have had bad experiences of learning the violin themselves. Makes sense that they will feel negative surrounding it.

My dd wants to play the violin and I have said no because she isn't at all musical. I can't see the point

RonaldMcDonald · 06/03/2014 01:11

I think I'm with your bil

IceBeing · 06/03/2014 01:22

wtaf? Okay you people are late night wind up merchants right?

"DD isn't musical?" how the hell you can tell if someone is musical if you don't let them try?

bloody hell...people really don't support their kids anymore do they?

Mind you my MIL used to do ballet...her teacher told her father one day that she was good enough to go forward and audition for a corp de ballet and her father immediately pulled her from the classes and banned her from dancing. If she wasn't good enough to be a prima ballerina then what was the point paying for lessons?

IceBeing · 06/03/2014 01:23

morloth well assuming that your DS and the OPs niece are the same person with the same life opportunities then we are all fine then!

IceBeing · 06/03/2014 01:26

"he got over it pretty quick" so which one of drums and violin did your kid actually want to learn?

This is pissing me off nearly as much as all those "yes its fine to stop your DS playing with 'girls toys' even if thats what he is interested in because otherwise "

Morloth · 06/03/2014 01:34

It isn't late night here, it is lunch time.

He wanted to be in the band, they had a list of required instruments, he originally asked to learn the violin, I said 'No violin, choose something else and not the drums'.

My comment about privilege is that I do not believe that not being allowed to learn the violin is actually something worth complaining about when it comes to childhood. I would laugh at an adult who complained about something like that TBH.

BTW he choose the flute, he is the only male flute player across all three levels of band. So it really wasn't a case of 'boys' and 'girls' instruments if that was what you were going for with the last comment.

Not being allowed to learn the violin, for any reason really isn't a big life deal. The recorder I would probably have allowed and indeed he has one for 'music lessons' at school but I don't really see the point and he doesn't practice it at home, because he is more interested in the flute.

Do I think the father in the OP's scenario is being unfair? Well only if the rules are not applied to both children. If he nixes all instruments then I would agree it was a problem.

AnandaTimeIn · 06/03/2014 01:36

He sounds pun not intended a bit of a misogynist..

I'd keep well out of their family dynamics apart from being the best auntie you can be.

What more can you do, really....?

AlfAlf · 06/03/2014 01:57

YANBU op, I think he's being a right meany pants.

The desire to learn an instrument is to be encouraged. Recorder is a good, inexpensive starter instrument. They can learn to blow out a tune relatively quickly which stops them losing patience.
My Dsis went on to play the flute beautifully after the recorder, and two of my dc went on to piano after two years of the recorder and have made excellent progress because of that grounding. My dc3 is now learning, and yes it can sound a bit squawky but it's only for 5-10 minutes and she can do it in another room.

YokoUhOh · 06/03/2014 02:15

Recorder AND violin player here!

The recorder is a family of instruments pre-dating the flute, popular Renaissance and Baroque eras. It's a beautiful instrument, played properly. Beginner violin sounds no worse than beginner guitar.

Your brother's just ill-educated, musically-speaking.

Original poster

Verycold · 06/03/2014 06:15

I am amazed how many are saying this is okay!

I feel, as some have said, that this is part of a bigger picture of my brother favouring my nephew.

Yes of course, not learning the violin isn't that major in the scheme of things, but it's the message my niece is being given.

OP posts:

Melonbreath · 06/03/2014 06:55

Yanbu. Everyone sounds crap at whatever they play when they start. I say this as putting my family through ear torture when I first picked up the saxaphone, and spent a happy three years as a pro in a swing band 10 years later

Panzee · 06/03/2014 06:59

Ah, it's not about the violin.

(And it is a terrible noise when learning. My cat used to run out of the house when I played!! :o )

Longdistance · 06/03/2014 07:25

Op that's what I read in your post, that your db favors your nephew. She's given him too instruments she's interested in, he needs to suck it up.

I can probably see it, as this happened to me as a child. More so, my db was favored over me as he was the boy and older. Was always the same. He was allowed to do whatever he wanted, but if I asked to do stuff, it was always no, or I got left out and he was the centre of attention. Really helped him, as he's 40 now and still lives at home

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 06/03/2014 08:34

I held off for two years when DD1 asked to do violin. Time pressure for attending lessons was my reason. She started when I went part time at work, along with Dd2. I wish I made more of an effort at the time, as they both love it.

Nanny0gg · 06/03/2014 08:50

A recorder is somewhat easier to accommodate than a piano...

The descant recorder is only the start. I played descant, treble and tenor at primary school and have amazing memories of the school concert where we played (school orchestra, we were very lucky - with violins, violas, cellos and kettle drum!) Beethoven's Ode to Joy. (I played treble recorder).
I can still play it now.

Your brother is very short-sighted.

firesidechat · 06/03/2014 09:32

One of my children started with the recorder and went on to learning the flute. It really didn't sound that bad and interests should always be encouraged if at all possible.

If played properly a recorder can sound lovely.

maddy68 · 06/03/2014 09:34

I fail to understand what this has to do with you tbh.
If you wish to encourage her then perhaps she could learn at your house?

TalkieToaster · 06/03/2014 10:20

All the people saying he's right can't be musicians. This is possibly the most pretentious thing I've ever written, but if you're a musician, you're drawn to 'your' instrument. Violins do sound awful when people are learning, but if the person is good, they don't sound awful for long.

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