to think my dd is not 'freaky' for being mature?

[MamaSmurf99]

My dd is almost 6. She has always been mature and we are great friends as well as mother and daughter. My friend has a daughter who's a few months older than mine, and my dd and hers are good friends. There's been a few instances recently where our dds have reacted completely differently, and it's led to my dd being criticised by my friend.

For example:

1. Our dds attend a dance class together that they both love. We arrived there last week to find it'd been unexpectedly cancelled. My dd shrugged and started planning what to do instead, her friend was banging on the door, crying saying she wanted to dance and it took 15 mins for her mum to get her away, still crying and being rude saying it was her mum's fault.

1. They were going on a school trip and both packed a small bag but when it came to leaving, the teacher said no bags allowed. Dd left it at school but her friend was holding onto hers and crying most of the way there.

1. If I say no to something, dd accepts it. Friend and her dd have daily battles.

Friend said my dd is 'freaky' for being 'too mature' and that she must have been taught to 'repress her feelings.' aibu to think kids are just different, that my dd isn't freaky and to be offended by her saying I've made her repress herffeelings?

Dd1 was like your dd and then I had ds3 enjoy it while you can would be my advice
Dd1 has been easy from the day she was born, we breezed through hormones and the teenage years and now at 21 she is still so easy.
Ds3 is 21 months younger and his teacher once said to me (she also taught dd) "I think someone looked down saw you and dd and thought she has it too easy and sent you ds" and to be honest I kind of agreed with her.

Your friend was very rude. However, you do sound rather judgemental of her daughter - she's only five years old, of course she's going to be upset her dance class is cancelled! Your child is biddable and calm, your friend's girl is just different. She's not immature - she's five!

My dd is the same. She's never had a tantrum. If she's really upset she usually just says 'I'm very sad'. She has always been reasonable and will except 'no' with a short explanation. She was an exceptionally good baby too. I'm hoping its genes and the next one will be like this too but I know I'm in for a shock.
I think parenting can make a difference but not that much. I'd like to take credit for dd but it's just her nature.
But on he flip side she is reserved and shy in new situations, no matter how much I encourage her to be confident she won't even speak to kids that she doesn't know. Also she's a perfectionist and hates doing things she doesn't think she'll be good at.

Your DD is not necessarily 'mature' OP, maybe just laid back and less emotional.

Not sure how my OP is smug, it is a literal description of situations. I didn't have a 'smug attitude' at the time, either. Dd and I left dancing immediately when it was cancelled. We walked past 15 mins later after having been to a shop and they were still there, but didn't see us pass. Friend wasn't there on school trip, I was. I didn't pass comment or judge her dds behaviour so don't think it's fair that she judged my dd.

She said it in a spiteful tone, in front of both dds and directed at mine which made me doubly unhappy about it. My dd said to her that she wouldn't behave like her friend because there would be consequences This was after her dd kicked off because she bought her the wrong snack after school.

When I say freaky it's a throwaway....not meant to hurt.

"Ooh isn't that a low cloud....freaky."

"What a tremendously handsome dog...freaky...that breed are usually very ugly"

My eldest dd is very mature tbh I think it comes from the fact that as the eldest she has always interacted with adults especially as she was the first baby among our group of friends and since we didn't have babysitters she would tag along with us. Dd2 is not mature in fact she is immature. There are pluses and minuses with both personality types, dd2 is far more popular among her peers than dd1 for example. I think your friends comment was inappropriate but I would imagine she is mortified by her daughter's bad behaviour.

My dd said to her that she wouldn't behave like her friend because there would be consequences hmm

That bit from you, OP, reads as quite smug to me.

My dd said to her that she wouldn't behave like her friend because there would be consequences
Your DD has boundaries, hers doesn't seem to understand them.
Your friend is peeved that your DD has more control over her emotions than her DD and is trying to turn it round on you. She's making you out to be a control freak (and your DD a controlled freak). She's just trying to protect herself as her daughter is showing her up and yours doesn't.

my dd would have behaved like your dd.

at nearly 6 your friends dd sounds very childish to me and I certainly wouldn't be putting up with bratting at that age.

I imagine your friend is simply embarrassed.

My daughter is like your friends daughter and it can b really embarrassing when you child reacts so emotionally to small things. You have to cope with the stares, sneers and comments from adults and other kids as well and then watch the party invites and friends dry up. Some kids just don't react well to changes. My daughter is undergoing assessment for autism and struggled with a speech disorder. Close friends know this but not everyone. Your friend shouldn't have commented on your daughter but she could well have been upset and embarrassed.

you think your friend doesn't bring up her child properly? you like your child better than hers?
fairly normal.

Is the other kid an only child?

Sorry, tulip, but why is this relevant?

MamaSmurf99 Wed 05-Mar-14 17:19:42
"Not sure how my OP is smug, it is a literal description of situations. "

"my dd is very mature" and "we are great friends as well as mother and daughter" do sound more like value judgments than literal descriptions of situations

I appreciate that you didn't say this in front of your friend, but it may explain the reaction you have had from some posters

also- did your dd say she couldn't behave like her friend before or after her friend's mum had commented on her behaviour

because if it was before- then I would have thought it sounded smug (if after the mum had made personal comments about her, then all's fair imho)

My DD is like yours OP, always has been. Even as a toddler she never had a tantrum.

My DS is like your DD's friend. He is 5 and if taken to a fun event that turned out to be cancelled he would definitely flip. If we leave school too quickly after pick-up (ie before he has had a good run around the yard) he flips. But they are just like summer storms, over in 30 seconds. He is a sweet, clever, affectionate child who happens to have a quick temper that he has not yet learned to master. It's nature!

Your friend probably shouldn't have used the word "freaky". Maybe she is accustomed to feeling judged about her child's behaviour.

Or maybe your DD's extreme equanimity is just a little disconcerting. There's a girl in DS's class like this. She is gorgeous and very, very clever. When we used to go to toddler groups you could have an intelligent conversation with this kid while my DS was still sticking things up his nose and barking like a dog ! She is still the same now, just a teeny little six-year-old who talks like an adult.

Does she ever cry or get upset.

I think it's worrying that she doesn't show these emotions.

Neither reaction sounds unusual.

What does being an only child have to do with the other girl?

What Kirjava said. Both reactions are in the normal range for children of that age. Your DD is not 'freaky', and nor is your friends.

To be honest, anyone saying "your child does x, ? y" is bonkers unless they're a childhood behavioural psychologist. Ignore.

I would guess your friend finds it difficult having the child who always kicks off about things while yours takes it all in her stride. I don't think it was good to use the word freaky but maybe she'd just had enough at that point.

I have a very emotional 4 yr old who tantrums about anything and everything some days. He would def lose it if an activity he was looking forward to was cancelled suddenly and he probably will at 6 still. This is not lax parenting on my part or over indulgence. He has very tight boundaries and consequences because he would rule the roost otherwise. He is still an emotional wreck a lot of the time and believe me it gets very tiring always being the parent with the child kicking off especially now he's getting older.

My daughter can be very calm and laid back most of the time. It's not really maturity, more just not that bothered by certain things and accepts she can't always get her own way. I'm very proud of her.

Good friends have called her placid, too well-behaved, unemotional, lacking fire, passion and spirit etc. I find these comments rude and almost suggestive of my daughter having something wrong with her mentally or my parenting being at fault. My daughter is bright but had some problems when she was born prematurely.

As it's parents of 'spirited'children that don't behave' that are making these comments then I'd prefer to believe it's their problem and that my daughter is fine. The comments worry me though.