to think my dd is not 'freaky' for being mature?

[MamaSmurf99]

My dd is almost 6. She has always been mature and we are great friends as well as mother and daughter. My friend has a daughter who's a few months older than mine, and my dd and hers are good friends. There's been a few instances recently where our dds have reacted completely differently, and it's led to my dd being criticised by my friend.

For example:

1. Our dds attend a dance class together that they both love. We arrived there last week to find it'd been unexpectedly cancelled. My dd shrugged and started planning what to do instead, her friend was banging on the door, crying saying she wanted to dance and it took 15 mins for her mum to get her away, still crying and being rude saying it was her mum's fault.

1. They were going on a school trip and both packed a small bag but when it came to leaving, the teacher said no bags allowed. Dd left it at school but her friend was holding onto hers and crying most of the way there.

1. If I say no to something, dd accepts it. Friend and her dd have daily battles.

Friend said my dd is 'freaky' for being 'too mature' and that she must have been taught to 'repress her feelings.' aibu to think kids are just different, that my dd isn't freaky and to be offended by her saying I've made her repress herffeelings?

Stop hanging out with people who call your daughter 'freaky'.

When ds was small I subscribed to nurture over nature. His compliant, easy-going personality was all down to my fantastic parenting

With dd I know that of course it is nature rather than nurture. Her grumpy, difficult personality is all dh's family's genes' fault and can only be slightly tempered by my wonderful nurturing

I feel sorry for the other mum in this. She should have held her tongue but in the face of the OP's dd's model behaviour who could blame her.

Personalities. I would find it trying if either were the only reaction from each child, stoicism or emotional display.

Why the only child assumption, Tulip? Reinforcing stereotypes, and as it happens in this case, incorrectly.

'I feel sorry for the other mum in this.' Really? If it was reversed and I called her daughter an emotional wreck in the face of my daughter's calm behaviour, would that be okay? I agree it's mostly down to personality and at no point said dds mature behaviour is due to my parenting skills. She has mostly always been like this - even when a toddler she would just walk away if someone hit her or snatched something from her. If anything, I used to wish she'd be a bit more emotional.

It's interesting that these two girls are such good friends. I think it's lovely. Clearly their differing personalities complement each other. I bet neither thinks the other is freaky - they are just who they are.

Hmmm if you have the same attitude in real life as your post has here then I can kind of understand your friend having a bit of a dig as its a bit condescending. Everything you've listed is in such a way that your DD handled situations perfectly whereas her friend didn't.

All kids are diffferent. Some are highly strung, others not at all, some are in between. Yes, obviously it makes a difference how their parents treat them but they're still all different.

My dd is very laid back and mild mannered. She always has been. She is, aside from the odd mild disagreement, no trouble and is very easy company. I am very happy about that but I don't think I did anything to make her like it. Neither do I think it's "freaky" or anything to get stressed about. My best friend has 2 children. The oldest is really challenging and hard work and the younger one is just like my Dd, very quiet and easy going. I have a friend with 3 Dd's. Two are very calm and the other one is the complete opposite.

I loathe the assumption that being an only child imediately signals issues. I have not seen this to be the case with my own Dd or with the many young children I've taught in many years as a Ks 1 teacher.

Unfortunately I agree with Itsafuckingvase. The op does come across as smug, although I agree that your friend shouldn't have called your Dd "freaky".

Also find it odd really for a 6yr old to be described as mature.

I know what op means about that actually Itsafuckingvase! My Dd has been like Peneolpe Keith in a child's body since she was about 3!

I find it odd that the other mother should think that a temper tantrum is a healthy expression of emotion.

My daughter was inclined to temper tantrums they were mostly during the terrible twos and by the time she was five had grown out of them.

Oh for goodness sake they both sound like completely normal children

I'm sure you know this OP

Well everyone loves their own kids and likes to see them in the best light - maybe your friend adores the way her child is so passionate, and sees yours as weirdly passive, while you using terms like 'mature' for your child and 'emotional wreck' for hers suggests you see it differently? And yes, boastful - 'more like friends' and 'mature'. Maybe you're being a bit freaky by not seeing things from someone else's perspective??

What a weird thread.

You are annoyed that your child has been called 'freaky' you get called smug for giving examples.

The OP hasn't claimed to have some sort of superior parenting skills that attribute to her DDs easy going attitude, that's hardly smug.

Both kids sound pretty normal to me, they are all different. Your friend shouldn't have said that.

If she is unhappy about her DDs behavior then she needs to do something about it rather than start making comparisons and being nasty about a child to make herself feel better. This is her issue.

Can you tell us exactly what your friend said, and in what tone of voice?

I can't imagine staying friends with anybody who called my kid a freak in seriousness, but I do have close friends who can joke about and say that kind of thing ironically.

Take a lesson from your dd and just shrug it off and move on?

This.

freaky is passive aggressive because her DD is clearly not behaving in a nice way and rather than admit her DD is behaving in a non endearing way she is having a go at yours. Your DD is calm not freaky.

I can believe the OP's friend said this. DS1 was like that as a child. He's always been very grown up, like an old soul. He's also very bright, is your dd OP? DS2 was a quiet baby but oh heck did he change He quietened down by the time he was around 7 and is fine now at 13.

They're all different and I think your friend sounds as if she's a bit jealous?

I don't think the friend sounds jealous

It's possible that the OP's smug attitude might have got up her friend's nose and that was her response.

It doesn't make it right, but it's a possible explanation.

Your dd sounds lovely and must be very easy to deal with. I would ignore the friend.

Having said this, I would also try to clamp down on this "we are great friends as well as mother and daughter" idea, even inside your own head. You are mother and daughter, not friends.

If you come to depend on this idea of friendship and understanding each other in a special way, you may make her teens very difficult, by making her feel you expect her to be different from other teens.

Speaking from experience here: I love my mother dearly, but do still feel very weighed down by her expectations that I will Understand Her where nobody else does, all because of the way I spoke and acted as a precocious 7yo. Any kind of teenage rebellion would have been virtually impossible, because she had come to rely on our Special Friendship; I couldn't take something that precious away from her.

The truth is, I haven't grown up very like her, I very rarely have an instinctive understanding of how she feels, though I can Talk the Talk very well by now, simply by being observant and saying what is expected of me. It is possible that I had some kind of understanding when I was 7- though more likely that I just wanted everyone to think of me as mature, so did whatever would ensure that. I love her and she's been a great mum- but I would have realised that anyway.

Why are people saying the OP is smug? She's just listed a set of examples and nowhere did she come across as smug. My DS is the same. Incredibly laid back. It's just the way he is. When other parents are dealing with their tantrumming (also totally normal) children and DS is calmly shrugging it off, I hope I don't come across as smug. I'm going to have to watch myself now just in case. Blimey.

op, you must know full well that the examples you cite show your dd in a positive light and not the other. Like a poster upthread said, I'm sure your friend would recite very different examples showing her dd as passionate and strong minded. All children are different.

Your friend was thoughtless to use the word 'freaky', your DD does not sound freaky just 'in control' a bit more than maybe your average child?

Your dd isn't freaky. Her dd is badly behaved.