To be disgusted at how men speak to me!

[DomesticDisgrace]

I've been single since last summer when I ended a long term relationship with DD's dad.
It's as if I'm only really feeling "available" lately and in a place to be friendly/open to the possibility of something, in hindsight I've probably been stomping around with a face on me for the past couple of months but the reality of the men I've encountered has left me bewildered!

Just a few examples, my car window was smashed the other day and a neighbour was over chatting about it and we were joking that it could be someone with a vendetta, he then went onto say how he bets there's a queue of blokes dying to jump into my bed. It sounds like no big deal, I suppose it's not but I had never even spoken to him before.
I was chatting to another guy from my management company and we were really getting on and having a laugh and little mild bit of a flirt, I was saying I had a painter coming this week and how awkward I feel having someone in the house and I'd rather just go out and he said "I'll bet he'll be in your laundry basket sniffing your knickers" Ugh again, I barely know him.
Lastly, just last night I got talking to an old old colleague over at the shops who has lost loads of weight. I complimented him and was asking about exercise, gyms etc and he offered to bring me. I said Ah I'd think about it then he texted me saying he didn't want to say in front of my daughter but he thought I had a "rocking" body already, we were texting a bit and it basically resulted in him asking to come over for sex

I'm not a bit flattered by the way, I'm really offended actually that things have changed so much since I've last been single or that these men think so little of me that they think it's OK to talk about my knickers being sniffed (vomit) or blatantly asking to come over for sex!

I don't believe I'm giving off any vibe to invite this sort of stuff aside from being friendly, I feel like I've walked into this new world and suddenly I'm the massive prude!

Really interesting insights.

I've purposefully not even mentioned clothing as I don't think there's anything a woman could wear that would warrant such "attention" put just in case anyone is wondering I just wear normal clothes for a stay at home mum (skinny jeans, boots, casual dresses etc usually every inch of me in covered as it's cold here!) But really I don't think any of that is relevant. What I do think is relevant is my age (26), the fact I was made redundant (unemployed , single mother) I hate it but I do think this is a big part of it and when they ask what I do I think they can see the slight shame I have about my circumstances, which makes me seem vulnerable or that I care about their opinion of me.

I don't take shit off anyone either, genuinely, but until someone fucks me off and gives me reason to show them my "no shit" side then I would definitely be quite friendly.

I'm a man, I need clarification as to what the problem is here.

As I understand it, the issue is that random men are expressing interest in sex with OP, and for some reason she is offended by this.

Is the problem:-
a) They are not men she would ever be interested in? She finds the idea of sex with these mean disgusting? In that case surely the appropriate response is pity for their intrinsic unattractiveness.
b) She is insulted by (can't think how to put it) the lack of "getting to know you" first. Look at it from their point of view, if they're going to be rejected 99% of the time, they can't afford to invest much effort in one place. Someone who behaves properly (from OP point of view that I'm pretending not to understand) would have to invest 10x or 100x as much effort in order to find out, by more polite means, that the OP doesn't fancy them.
c) She is just generally horrified at the idea that male humans want to shag every passably attractive female human they encounter? Surely this information can't be new to her?
d) Other?

(I wouldn't do what they do. I'm not thick-skinned enough.)

If you as a woman hate or are disgusted by men who (a) want to have sex with you and (b) you don't fancy, then unless you are fairly unattractive, you hate (or should be disgusted by) most men. If you move in polite society you might be able to maintain the illusion that most men are not like this. They are like this, they're concealing it most of the time, out of politeness.

What someone said up-thread about friends suddenly becoming interested as soon as a woman becomes single rings true to me. I don't understand what exactly is wrong with expressing sexual interest in a friend who is single. I suspect what is wrong is that women are "disgusted" by interest from people they don't fancy.

I'm not arguing that women shouldn't view most of the male population with disgust. One could argue that men and women have different interests, behaviour that suits male interests may not suit female interests. It's a bit depressing, but quite possibly true.

Fraidy, you are forgetting one very important aspect

Many women are intimidated by men who make clear unwarranted sexual approaches

I shall make an assumption you are one of the Good Guys, OK? So you are walking along a dark street at 2am behind a woman. She clocks you and crosses the road for no real reason. Do you cross after her, or make a special effort not to cross unless you really have to ?

You are with a gang of your male friends. You see a lone woman. Do you jeer and catcall or incite others to do so ? Or do you tell your more dickheaded cronies to grow the fuck up ?

You see a woman in a short skirt who might be a bit pissed, perhaps her tits are hanging out or summat. Do you automatically assume she is asking for it ?

Do you believe that buying a woman a drink or a meal entitles you to something more ?

Until you can understand how all that (and more, I could go on all day) feels, from the lived experience of a woman from just about puberty onwards, then you have no right to question our default position of "trust is earned, not a right"

AnyFucker

back atcha, KF

What AF said.

As a woman, having men you have never spoken to before (like the neighbour in the OP) or who you know only minimally making sexual come-ons to you feels extremely threatening. It indicates that they either don't know or don't care about what normal social boundaries are. That is what makes it threatening behaviour. As you are a man you'll just have to take my word for it that many women feel this way, and that some men exploit this fact to make women feel uncomfortable.

If a man I don't fancy wants to have sex with me, I will neither hate nor be disgusted by him as long as he doesn't creep me out by asking me in a way I find threatening.

Fraidy. Whether men want to shag every women they come across or not. Being approached and propositioned for sex at a first meeting, without the man even trying to get to know me as a person , is basically telling me he places no more value on me as anything other than a hole to fuck.
I place rather more value on myself for that to ever be welcome.
I used to be pretty open and friendly not flirty, I learned pretty quickly as a young adult female that that would get me unwanted attention, that made me uncomfortable and threatened. Thats why these days I am more likely to tell an unknown male to piss off and leave me alone than respond with a chat. Because I have learned that responding is often opens avenues I was not interested in going down

As I understand it, the issue is that random men are expressing interest in sex with OP, and for some reason she is offended by this.

Yes, silly OP, how dare she be offended by random men wanting to shag her. After all, any hole's a goal, right?

And what AF said.

Gosh, those are shocking things to say. Makes me glad I'm sixty and look my age.

But really maladjusted too. Is there any type of woman who would be interested in a man who spoke to her like that? Or are they just monks who find this the only way to remain celebate?

Another man said he thought I seemed too 'prim' to swear (I used the word ''shit'').

I get this - I swear a lot to and dislike the undertone of being told off about it.

As I understand it, the issue is that random men are expressing interest in sex with OP, and for some reason she is offended by this.

Cause they don't know her and it like knowing you doesn't matter - your an object not a person.

There is also a time and appropriate behaviour thing as well - plus more subtle and appropriate less threatening ways to express an interest or develop a friendship.

One of the worst experiences of my life was walking into first job - mainly male 90 plus office and everyone checking out the new female graduate and talking in open plan office about doing that- hearing mutters about had they seen me - and what did I look like - was I good looking < I'm not >

I was there as I had the relevant skills and wanted to make a professional impression - I was also engaged.

I'm very shy and it took forever to feel comfortable at work - and then mainly with the older guys who had long term DP or young DC.

I moved on quickly from that firm - as my training and advancement was blocked as I was female - this was justified by one guy in charge of training as most of their females employees moved on .

Fraidy Cat, you said "I suspect what is wrong is that women are "disgusted" by interest from people they don't fancy."

I find that bizarre, how could anyone fancy someone as socially inept as the people described. If I finally got a chance with Liam Neeson and he came out with a comment like that it would be end of attraction.

Much as men might "only be interested in sex", according to you, acting like dog after a bitch in heat is not going to get them very far

FraidyCat I think plenty of men would also be put off by a woman expressing an interest to have sex with them in crude terms, without any preamble. Not all, but some would. Desperation isn't attractive in either sex. Most mammals perform some sort of courtship ritual, and its hardly surprising that higher ranking animals don't respond when its absent. It therefore seems illogical for men to assume that if they ask crudely enough, often enough, they will succeed. Its wasting resources, and not likely to result in quality results.

Its more likely a matter of poor upbringing and social norms in the demographic they move in, or personal lack of social skills in that individual, than a biological imperative.

Since many of these type of men seem to populate dating sites, often for years on end, it seems likely that their "technique" isn't very successful, or doesn't bring very satisfactory results.

Whats the definition of stupid? Making the same mistake over and over again and not learning from it.

I tend to prefer older men and this is one of the reasons why. I have had relationships with men 21 yrs older, 23 yrs older, 17 yrs older.

My turn ons in a man .... compassion ,humour ,insightfulness ,intelligence, kindness,willingness to show affection.

And i will get none of these things from the Nuts/Zoo influenced brigade.

Ive recently lost 2 stone and ive already noticed a difference in the way some men treat me Im still the same person either way.

What any fucker said and yanbu.
I get this alot, am 26 too and often get mistaken for a single mum as so many of my friends are.

Here are my top 3 from the last month

1. Youre so fucking fit ( from a friend of exh-married)
2. Your daughter is beautiful but she isnt as pretty as mummy. Vomit.
3. Your arse is rudiculous i want it on my face.

I do find it threatening when they are not polite. Its like they are a wolf and youre a big juicy steak and thats all. Just a thing.

The knuckle-draggers ruin it for everyone. My dh is from the US, and finds it odd and frustrating that speaking to a woman is interpreted as flirting. He works in a male dominated industry with a minority of women. He is friends with a couple of the women and likes a natter over a cup of tea. Without fail, every day after break time, one of the office men will accuse him of being a flirt. Where dh is from it is normal to chat to a woman and it not be a come-on. My American aunty moved over here 10 years ago and the culture shock with regards to interacting with men was huge. She said she used to freely chat to anyone with no bother at all, and suddenly found that speaking to one half of the population was potentially dangerous. She went back to Ohio after 8 years.

Hmm, I was on and off dating sites for the last couple of years. Some sites are much worse than others for the knuckle draggers but on ones like OKC where you can read their answers to all sorts of random questions you can pretty quickly tell who are the ones to avoid are IMO. There are lots of nice kind blokes out there who don't behave in this crass manner or approve of it any more than we do, I'm hoping the OP has just been unlucky rather than living in nightmare central.
As much as anything it is the sheer bad manners of making sexually approving (or otherwise) comments to someone you don't know that well. If your behaviour is likely to cause embarrassment or awkwardness to others then it is not socially acceptable full stop.