To be disgusted at how men speak to me!

[DomesticDisgrace]

I've been single since last summer when I ended a long term relationship with DD's dad.
It's as if I'm only really feeling "available" lately and in a place to be friendly/open to the possibility of something, in hindsight I've probably been stomping around with a face on me for the past couple of months but the reality of the men I've encountered has left me bewildered!

Just a few examples, my car window was smashed the other day and a neighbour was over chatting about it and we were joking that it could be someone with a vendetta, he then went onto say how he bets there's a queue of blokes dying to jump into my bed. It sounds like no big deal, I suppose it's not but I had never even spoken to him before.
I was chatting to another guy from my management company and we were really getting on and having a laugh and little mild bit of a flirt, I was saying I had a painter coming this week and how awkward I feel having someone in the house and I'd rather just go out and he said "I'll bet he'll be in your laundry basket sniffing your knickers" Ugh again, I barely know him.
Lastly, just last night I got talking to an old old colleague over at the shops who has lost loads of weight. I complimented him and was asking about exercise, gyms etc and he offered to bring me. I said Ah I'd think about it then he texted me saying he didn't want to say in front of my daughter but he thought I had a "rocking" body already, we were texting a bit and it basically resulted in him asking to come over for sex

I'm not a bit flattered by the way, I'm really offended actually that things have changed so much since I've last been single or that these men think so little of me that they think it's OK to talk about my knickers being sniffed (vomit) or blatantly asking to come over for sex!

I don't believe I'm giving off any vibe to invite this sort of stuff aside from being friendly, I feel like I've walked into this new world and suddenly I'm the massive prude!

Oh the obnoxious ones are just the most confident. Nice, respectful people have more balanced views about themselves and so are more scared of rejection!

Keep telling the horrors to get lost and wait to meet someone who doesn't make you cringe!

I think you need to prepare some appropriate putdowns.
"Do you mean to be so rude"
"I find that comment offensive"
"Please do not speak to me like that" etc.

I think it can be a way of putting women down / asserting their dominance.

Ie it's a way of saying that women are not important enough to be worth treating politely.

Or they are opportunists looking for a woman who is vulnerable enough to respond because she is grateful for any male attention.

Poor deluded fools of men who are testing to see if you are low hanging fruit.

Dismiss them with the scathing disdain that they deserve.

Perhaps give the burlesque outfit a rest for a bit

I know the feeling OP. I broke up with my DP for about 4 months last year and within days had men talking to me like that including guys that DP would have considered pretty good friends. I don't know why they think that the minute you are single, you become a slut.

I agree about all the acquaintances and old friends coming out of the woodwork and suddenly being interested in meeting up alone when you separate.
I found it really disturbing / depressing. I thought these men were my friends, then suddenly it felt like they'd merely been circling like a pack of hyenas, waiting to see if my relationship broke down before pouncing.
Actually since my last break up I don't have male friends any more - for that reason.

Quite depressing to see how readily they seize any chance to bolster their masculinity by making a conquest

I think this sort of thing is rarely to do with misguided attempts to attract women - no one is genuinely that clueless - I am certain it is all about getting off on transgressing women's boundaries, creeping them out and asserting dominance. The same goes for obscene pics sent by phone or dating website.

When I was single for a while (4 years ago) I also attracted lots of total creeps. I was 21. Blokes shouting from cars, trying to pull me with them in clubs, way way way older men (like 40-50) pestering me for dates even when I was very clear I wasn't interested. The list goes on! Since then I've obviously been sending out "I'm taken" signals, only had a few odd encounters on nights out. I did eventually find a lovely lovely guy though (but he never flirts, ever), so don't despair! It's just bad luck and the weirdos are the ones that will approach you randomly, the good ones will be a bit more gentleman like, you will know when you find them!

I think some men see a single woman and think 'yah! available for me' regardless of how creepy they are/their situation.

I was single for around 6 years and got hit on all the time in really creepy ways and rarely in nice normal ways. The proportion was probably 5 creepy ways per one normal way.

Top 2 creeps
Used to get a cab regularly, it was usually a couple of different drivers that I got to know a little bit. One was always friendly and respectful. One flirted. He seemed nice, and good looking, so I flirted back a little. One day he said he wanted to ask me something, pulled over, and I thought he was going to ask me out. Nope. Did I want a fuck buddy?

Man at family members party who flirted with me openly, and again, seemed nice, flirted back. We were alone in conservatory until a woman came in and said something about his wife in a really obvious manner- poor wife was at the party in the other room! He said 'I'm a naughty boy, aren't I' and asked if I'd go and shag him in the bathroom upstairs.

FFS.

I think this sort of thing is rarely to do with misguided attempts to attract women - no one is genuinely that clueless - I am certain it is all about getting off on transgressing women's boundaries, creeping them out and asserting dominance.

I think you are rather over thinking the matter.

You genuinely do get a lot of over confident losers who genuinely are that clueless.

As another poster said above:-

Nice, respectful people have more balanced views about themselves and so are more scared of rejection!

It is completely about asserting dominance, as FairPhyllis says. Basically, you don't have a man at home to 'protect you' so all bets are off and you're fair game. Ugh, ugh and ugh.

I agree with Phyllis and Nicky.

I don't think Phyllis is 'overthinking' it is about dominance, that's not to say that the men are necessarily sophisticated and insightful enough to consciously choose or understand what they do.

They are exhibiting knee jerk behavior which serves to assert their dominance, these are low level predators.

The ones to worry about are those with the more sophisticated strategies.

I've seen the way that some men behave on dating sites and it astounds me, but there are plenty who are perfectly polite.

Perhaps the anonymity is a good thing because people show their true colors quickly?

Ah yes, the more sophisticated types....
The knuckle-draggers you can simply tell to shit off.

It's the ones who become your confidantes and know about your relationship problems you need to look out for long-term

Even the most overconfident loser would pretty soon realise that this sort of thing doesn't actually get you any results with real women. And yet I continue to hear many women talking about these kinds of experiences.

Ergo I conclude that if getting a date or even a shag cannot be the objective, there is another reason for these kinds of come-ons, and that very simply is that unfortunately some men enjoy making women uncomfortable. It doesn't take much thinking at all.

I've been single for years and never get hit on! In a bad way or in a nice way. Why is that?? (wails)

Even on a recent date with a 'player' type he said he was looking for a 'distraction' not a girlfriend, and said I seemed 'too respectable' for casual sex.. how can I seem un-respectable then? Another man said he thought I seemed too 'prim' to swear (I used the word ''shit'').

My most recent date didn't even compliment me, he just talked about himself.

I'm blonde and wear short skirts; I don't look like a old spinster librarian, honestly.

Suspect that actually Latara they can tell you're a woman who put put up with any sh*t

No that's true Suzanne I definitely don't put up with any shit off anyone.

Latara at the risk of derailing, that's all about dominance too. Those men have placed you in the 'Madonna' category (the virginal one, not the singer!) so woe betide you if you try to step outwith the boundaries they have set for women who look, act and behave a certain way.

It's also a little bit unfair to suggest it's because you don't put up with any shit, because by default that suggests the OP does, therefore she's bringing the unwanted attention on herself. Sorry, that was really nit-picky on two lighthearted posts, but we're discussing men's behaviour here, not OP's or women's.

So ok, how do I get men to place me outside of the 'Madonna' category before I become a dried up old spinster?

Maybe it's more because I was unwell for a long time (and looked it according to everyone I know) than don't put up with any shit that men didn't approach me.

No, I do think its about trying to assert dominance and/or make women uncomfortable/bring them down to a level where they will be happy for crap attention, but I cannot help thinking these men are trying to chat up women the way they would talk to other men in the pub. Hence it comes across as if they are more used to chatting up other men.

Hopefully now I'm well I won't start to get the yucky attention that OP describes though... sounds horrible.

Many men are useless at talking to their own GP; so no wonder some of them are crap and inappropriate at chatting to women.

I have many male patients of all ages and they can say some funny (odd) things and behave in peculiar ways. They can be demanding and childish and not very polite.

The nicest male patients are in their 90s because they are from a different generation where men were more polite I think!

It's not about getting men to place you in the "right" category. If you are trying to play the Madonna/whore game to your own advantage, then you have already lost because all you have got is a man who doesn't see women as people, just as types.

You need to find a man who doesn't put women into categories at all.