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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just have nothing to do with my mum?

53 replies

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 04/03/2014 16:53

My mum comes to my house 5 days a week 'for a cuppa' if in not in when she comes over she gets in a right huff.

Today i had to make a doctors appt for my son, she happened to come over whilst i was at the doctors, i received a text saying that i should have known she was coming and she's sick to death of walking over 'like an idiot'

Now this is not the first time, she is possibly the most petty person you will meet, i just snapped this time and text back that i was in the docs because id found a lump in DSs neck and that i forgot i had to inform her every time i leave the house. I subsequently got called an 'ungrateful little bastard' threatened to give me a hiding for daring to speak to her like that and warned to stay out of her way.

This is what happened if you DARE say the wrong thing to my mum. You will be threatened. Well in sick of walking on eggshells, but this is a cycle, she does this then after a few weeks i forgive because i feel sorry for her that she had no friends (fucking wonder why) and she gets away with treating me like this

She has never in my whole life apologized for any of the nasty shit she's said during arguments.

She says i have no respect for her, but clearly she has no respect for me, in a 27 year old woman FFS

OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 04/03/2014 22:52

Shes a nasty bully. get as far away from her as you can. Seriously. Your DC might love her now but what about if and when they ever cross her and she threatens to batter them? what if she makes good on her threat? They deserve protection. not to mention the shitty example she must be setting by being such a total shit.

Original poster
PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 05/03/2014 14:33

There is absolutely no point in placing boundries or anything like that with her, if i even dared bring up the subject she's fall out with me, she's literally that petty that just one wrong word or wrong tone of voice and she will throw her toys out of the pram.

And she wont be getting near my kids, if she has the brass neck to ask to see them she will be told, i wont have my kids walking on eggshells when they are older. Absolutely not

What pisses me off most is she will constantly say 'i would never dare talk to my mother or father like that, you have no respect for me' i feel like screaming 'and where's your fucking respect for me? Or do i not deserve any' I also feel like telling her that if my nana and grandad could see how she speaks to me and threatens me they would be fucking disgusted with her.

Of course id never actually say any of that because id get my head kicked in Angry

OP posts:
pictish · 05/03/2014 14:34

She must have been awful to deal with while you're growing up. Sad

Abra1d · 05/03/2014 14:37

I would make a point of being out most of the time for the next few weeks.

Original poster
PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 05/03/2014 14:47

pictish She was, i used to knock about with one of my older cousins when i was in secondary school and she would get in a huff that id rather spend time with that cousin than her.

But she's got worse since i moved out and had my own family, my DH cant stand her because of the way she carries on, they used to get on but once when she fell out with me i got a text telling me to just 'piss off with your ugly boyfriend'

Yeah she's a real fucking ray of sunshine.

OP posts:
pictish · 05/03/2014 15:59

She actually sounds as though she has a personality disorder of some sort OP. I feel for you...I really do.

Holdthepage · 05/03/2014 16:04

Move as far away as you can.

Original poster
PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 05/03/2014 16:05

She's definitely got something, wether its a disorder or depression, i know she was on Prozac at one point, but not anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 05/03/2014 16:08

But nothing excuses her behaviour, i have depression and anxiety and don't treat people like shit. ive been her emotional punching bag for years. No more, ive reached my limits.

OP posts:
CrapBag · 05/03/2014 16:12

"If i told her to piss off she's kick my head in and im not even joking"

This alone gives you a very good reason to never see her again. Who would actually threaten their own offspring like that, let alone carry it out.

Add in all the other stuff and tell her to get stuffed and any other further threats will immediately be reported to the police. Surely she doesn't bring that much to your life that its worth putting up with this shit for?

YANBU and she doesn't deserve to be around your children, no matter how much they like her. What about when they catch on how she talks to you? They will think that's an acceptable way to speak to someone else when its really not, no matter who they are.

sparechange · 05/03/2014 16:13

OP, over the years that I've been on MN, there have been many threads by people at the end of their tethers with parents, often mothers.

I've seen many, many replies with people who have gone either non-contact, or very limited contact, and all of them have said their lives have improved immeasurably. I'm yet to see anyone say they regret it.

Move away, limit contact to it being on your terms. Ignore her abuse in the meantime, because she is only doing it to get a rise out of you, and it is working...

TheOrchardKeeper · 05/03/2014 16:15

Good for you OP. She doesn't own you because she gave birth to you.

If a stranger spoke to you like that you'd never talk to them again so it's even worse that she's your mother and treating you so badly.

I doubt this treatment helps if you suffer with depression and anxiety either.

Just do what you need to do! Thanks

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2014 16:15

There is absolutely no point in placing boundries or anything like that with her, if i even dared bring up the subject she's fall out with me, she's literally that petty that just one wrong word or wrong tone of voice and she will throw her toys out of the pram. And she wont be getting near my kids, if she has the brass neck to ask to see them she will be told, i wont have my kids walking on eggshells when they are older. Absolutely not
My kids absolutely love her and she dotes on them, and when we get on i can have a gossip with her, but frankly she's just too petty for me.

But you appear to be contradicting yourself.

If you don't cut her out, she clearly does see your children, so the option for her to turn on them is pretty strong.
And I'd hardly call her behaviour 'petty'.

GandalfsBeard · 05/03/2014 16:19

My mum is a nightmare but for different reasons. I cut contact with her completely around 15 months ago and it was the best thing I could have done for me and my family. My life is so much better, I feel liberated!

You absolutely do not have to put up with your mother treating you like that. As you say, she can go on about not having respect for her, but where on earth is her respect for you?! Cut her out if you've reached the end of your tether with her, your life will be better for it. You have your Dh and your Ds. You don't need an awful person like her in your life.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 05/03/2014 16:21

YANBU you should have nothing to do with someone who treats you so terribly

And I think you would be mad to allow someone so volatile around your dc

I'm so sorry she been so awful to you, no one deserves that and it must have been terrible for you as a child Sad

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 05/03/2014 16:24

What would happen if you texted "I am going to keep this text as evidence you have threatened me. If you come near me I will go to the police. Do not come near me or my children. If you try, I will report you."

Or "if you lay a finger on me, you will never see my children again. I am keeping this text as evidence that you have threatened me."

I am just wondering if that would make her worried that you would take action.

Of course, if she would respond by actually assaulting you, then it would be a risky thing to do. But if she did, then you would obviously press charges and ban her from contact with the children.

Original poster
PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 05/03/2014 16:39

If i sent those messages there would be hell to pay. I find ignoring much easier and less stressful.

And she wont have the chance to turn on my kids because i wont be having anything to do with her anymore and neither will they. She's put the final nail in the coffin and im done.

OP posts:
ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 05/03/2014 16:44

will she accept you ignoring her? Will she continue to threaten you if you try to ignore her?

I hope she leaves you alone. Nobody needs this kind of shit from their mother.

Original poster
PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 05/03/2014 17:07

Yeah she'll leave me alone if i just ignore her. In fact i saw her today, she was on the other side of the road and didn't even look in my direction, i just carried on walking

OP posts:
ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 05/03/2014 17:17

ok good. I'm glad that she won't hassle you.

Will she be expecting you to apologise at some point, do you think? Or is she likely to just turn up one day expecting everything to be normal?

What is your long term plan? Or will she never bother you again?

Original poster
PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 05/03/2014 17:32

Well the usual cycle is this, she throws a hissy fit, i stop talking to her, she sends one of my sisters down with a present for the kids, i text saying thanks, she asks after kids and says she misses them, i feel bad and invite her over and she acts like nowt has happened.

I should add that she doesn't just send them presents for attention, even when we are getting on she buys the kids stuff every week, clothes, toys, sweets etc

OP posts:
falulahthecat · 05/03/2014 20:26

PublicEnemyNumeroUno
...are you my sister?

SugarMouse1 · 05/03/2014 21:05

Omg! The threats, maybe you should report to police, to make her realize she can't behave like this

Would she actually get violent?

Have you any idea why she is like this? alcohol, mental health, anger issues?

Have you got any siblings?

Original poster
PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 05/03/2014 21:14

I doubt either of my sisters would be on mumsnet, they are still school age :)

If i mouthed off to her then yes, i wouldn't put it past her to hit me, which is why i ignore and try not to engage.

No idea what her problem is, obviously she has anger issues and demands complete respect (whilst showing none herself) i cant work out if she's just a spoilt brat from being the youngest of an extremely large family or she has some unresolved issues. All i know is she's extremely temperamental.

I remember her turning up at my house once (in the car) i had just got my coat on and son in his pram ready to nip out and the look of absolute disgust on her face as she drove away was unbelievable. She's unreal.

OP posts:
SugarMouse1 · 05/03/2014 21:55

Do your younger sisters live with her??!

You have my sympathy, it's so difficult, I have an awful brother who I haven't spoken to in years, he's so toxic.

Is there anyone who could mediate between you? Or could you write your mum a letter telling her how bad her behaviour is etc? And that you have to cut her off unless she gets help!

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