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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect dh to answer his phone on a night out

71 replies

Haveacwtch · 01/03/2014 23:40

Dh is out tonight. I'm not bothered about that as I've got no issue with him being out. The only problem I have is when I can't reach him. Every time he goes out from about two hours after he can't be reached.

When I was pregnant with both our children he had to stop going out in the run up to births as there was no way of getting hold of him if anything happened.

We now have two young children. There has been times in the past when I have been really poorly or there have been issues with my ds when I needed him home (usually in early hours).

Tonight my ds has had terrible nightmares and my youngest is poorly as is in the paste room with me. I have been trying to get hold of him not to ask him home but just to let him know that ds is in our bed so to be careful.

Aibu in needing to reach him?

Thanks

OP posts:

Gomez · 02/03/2014 00:35

So three kids and nearly 15 years of marriage (before we separated) and actually I can count on one hand how many times either of us needed to call the other when out on the piss.

Take all children into your bed if need be. He'll very soon realise there is no space and pass out somewhere else.

lilola · 02/03/2014 03:02

uh why would you have left a key under the mat for him? does he not have his own key?!

SavoyCabbage · 02/03/2014 04:22

I don't check my phone. And I wouldn't be thrilled if my dh phoned me when I was out with my friends. I trust that he is capable of looking after the dc for a few hours.

manticlimactic · 02/03/2014 08:22

From your OP it sounds like you always ring him when he's out ( Every time he goes out from about two hours after he can't be reached. ) I wouldn't answer either if someone was always ringing me when I was out.

MeepMeepVrooom · 02/03/2014 08:29

TBH I wouldn't phone a partner when they were on a night out unless it was hospital serious because:-

I hate speaking to drunk people when sober

A text message is suffient

They probably won't hear the phone

It's their night off.

Send a text, leave a note. Sounds like you ring him a lot on nights out and TBH even if dc were unwell (not serious) how much help would you actually expect your DH to be when he's been on the lash.

Ledkr · 02/03/2014 08:35

I think the issue is that evenif it was an emergency he never sees his phone so wouldn't know!

I check my phone now and again when I'm out, I just check to make sure dh or sitter haven't called or text, I don't see anything wrong with that.

Dh and I also sometimes send funny texts if out maybe if something funny happens or we see someone we both know and often I text drunken filth too when I'm in the loo in a club! I can never fulfill when I'm home though cos I crash out.

FredFredGeorge · 02/03/2014 09:49

So after 20 years of this problem of not being able to reach him when he's out and there's an emergency, the biggest emergency you've had is your son having nightmares and being in your bed. Something that could've been dealt with by a note on the door when he comes in. It doesn't need to be a conversation.

YABU, there's no need for him to answer his phone, and likely the persistent non-emergency calls has made him stop checking his phone for emergencies. Isn't there a story about a boy and a wolf?

Weathergames · 02/03/2014 10:18

Jesus Christ.

I can't contact my OH for 4 months when he is away at sea.

Get a grip let the man have a night out or tell him you would rather he stayed in with you as you cannot cope alone.

Our parents didn't have mobile phones?!

StarGazeyPond · 02/03/2014 11:52

If he's not answering the phone because he is pissed........what good could he possibly be in an 'emergency'?

MeepMeepVrooom · 02/03/2014 12:04

I agree, you may find he does check his texts but when he reads it's about sleeping arrangements doesn't bother to reply. I'm not sure it really requires a phone call. I bet in an actual emergency you'd find he'd be contactable.

I personally check my phone when out but my DD is with my parents. If there was an issue obviously I would go home bit the difference is, they wouldn't ring unless it was an actual emergency.

GarlicMarchHare · 02/03/2014 13:28

Having read the whole thread, I suspect the problem is more to do with responsibility than OP's 'insecurity'. It's reasonable to feel insecure when, as a parent of two young children, your partner still regularly gets so pissed he can't work his phone or find his keys.

He had to stay in while OP was pregnant, as he didn't trust himself to stay in control if he went out. Sounds like an alcohol problem to me. Cwtch, do you worry about what he gets up to while he's out of it?

mrsjay · 02/03/2014 13:37

OP do you have anxiety issues it does sound like it, you seemed to panic if you can't get hold of your husband

mrsjay · 02/03/2014 13:38

fwiw I am all for coparenting but really your son had nightmares why do you feel you have to let your husband know this why did you need him home

WorraLiberty · 02/03/2014 13:45

Garlic he only goes out once a month. That doesn't sound like he has an alcohol problem to me.

mrsjay · 02/03/2014 13:52

he is out with his friends once a month hardly excessive imo

GarlicMarchHare · 02/03/2014 17:45

OK, thanks, Worra - I'd missed that.

Goblinchild · 02/03/2014 18:15

'But, but, but if you've been together nearly 20 years you've almost certainly coped without having any phone contact with DH in the past. Most people didn't even have a mobile 20 years ago. What did or would you have done then?'

Yes, but they don't make them like they used to. Us geriatrics are built for stability and managing. Just like when OH used to go shopping without me or a mobile and with a small child and somehow the apocalypse was avoided.
I always smile when I see someone in the supermarket with a mobile glued to their ear in case they do something wrong and their Partner Is Cross.
OP, haven't you both worked out the boundaries and rules after 20 years together?

Willyoulistentome · 02/03/2014 18:27

I don't want to sound harsh, but I'm afraid if you are in the habit of contacting him to let him know trivialities every twenty minutes, I'm not surprised he's not answering his phone.

Onesleeptillwembley · 02/03/2014 18:33

It sounds like you have a hell of a lot of 'emergencies' when he's out. Frankly I don't blame him for not answering. Grow up, cope with the minor things and leave the poor bloke to enjoy his night out.

Onesleeptillwembley · 02/03/2014 18:35

Actually I'll add to my previous post. If you carry on
Like this you'll end up coping alone. You'll drive him away.

Goblinchild · 02/03/2014 18:51

No, after 20 years he's probably tuned out.
The problem is that if you haven't sorted out what consitutes a priority and what is a point that can wait, if everything is an 11 on the panic meter, then one day it will be a serious incident where you do need him, and he might not respond.
What happens when you go out alone without him or the children? Does he need the same level of contact?

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