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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think reporting the mother of your child for benefit fraud makes you a dick?

67 replies

terrificallytremendous · 01/03/2014 21:42

My best friend called in tears tonight. She has to go for an interview at the job centre next week because 'there may be a change in her circumstances they haven't been informed of' aka someone has reported her. Her ex, with whom she has a 7 year old ds has made it blatantly clear it was him.

His reason for reporting is that he apparently believes she's committing fraud because she has an 18 month dd with her ex, they split 6 months ago. Her ex lives and works close to her and is on call after work so he visits their dd two or three nights per week for an hour at her home while she spends time with her ds. On his days off he takes their dd out for an afternoon one day then stays to do bath and bed and then on the second day has her for the afternoon and overnight. They're trying to work at their dds pace regarding contact and it seems to be working well. Her ex has a car he doesn't need for work but does need at weekends to see his other children so she uses his car while he works, paying for her own petrol.

Aibu to think this is not benefit fraud, and that even if she were committing it, reporting the mother of your child makes you a dick as the only impact on your child will be negative?

OP posts:
fifi669 · 01/03/2014 22:37

Reporting her doesn't make him a dick. Maliciously reporting her without grounds does.

squoosh · 01/03/2014 22:39

The ex is a spiteful scumbag.

VodkaRevelation · 01/03/2014 22:44

The OP's friend is worried that their family life will be misconstrued as them living together.

Most people I know would worry in this situation.

VodkaRevelation · 01/03/2014 22:53

OP. I think your friend needs to think of what evidence she can provide to show her ex is not living with her.

She may feel less worried if she knows she can prove her case.

I hope she gets it all sorted soon.

WorraLiberty · 01/03/2014 22:55

Vodka yes I know that

But her worries are groundless and that's what I'm trying to get the OP to explain to her.

The poor woman's worried that a day out may be seen 'as a sign of family life'.

Yet there isn't a law in the land against that.

VodkaRevelation · 01/03/2014 23:00

I should imagine she knows that though. She knows she hasn't done anything wrong.

In stressful situations such as these people worry irrationally. No amount of telling them not to will stop them if they are the worrying type.

Original poster
terrificallytremendous · 01/03/2014 23:01

Worra the interviewer told her last time that if a couple are considered to be acting as a family by those around them then it's a problem so that's why she's worried. Ex1 doesn't pay maintenance. Ex2 is moving into his own house next month but has been staying with his parents as the sale took a while to go through.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 01/03/2014 23:03

He knows her ex has his own address and interrogates his ds about everything so knows ex doesn't have meals/do washing/buy shopping/stay over. He is doing it to cause my friend stress and hassle.

And he's done this before? He's a complete arse, because they could sanction her and cut off all benefits, and then what is she supposed to live on? While keeping his son? Malicious pig. It's also absolutely none of his business whether she is still involved with her second child's father, anyway. She's allowed a boyfriend, and she's allowed family life with her ex and child. She's just not allowed to cohabit.

I hope his having prior form means they realise what his game is. How stressful for her, when she's just trying to lessen the impact of the split for her youngest. And her poor son, having a father who "interrogates" him about his mother and who doesn't care if that mother is financially screwed, affecting the child.

perfectstorm · 01/03/2014 23:04

Just saw - so this peach of a man is trying to get his son's sole source of financial provision severed? Is he himself on benefits - why is he paying nothing for his son?

Original poster
terrificallytremendous · 01/03/2014 23:06

Her mum died a few weeks ago btw, which he's only just discovered so has done this to get her even more when she's down. Vile bastard.

OP posts:
Original poster
terrificallytremendous · 01/03/2014 23:07

Self-employed and low earning Hmm

OP posts:
ManateeEquineOHara · 01/03/2014 23:10

My ex reported me for benefit fraud maliciously - said I was living with someone when I wasn't in any way. Before the first interview they did no 'case building'. They said it was a chance to 'come clean' but that I would be in 'more trouble' if I denied it and then they did their investigations (cars, neighbours accounts etc) and it turned out that I was committing benefit fraud. Idk if it has changed, this was abt 6 years ago but as I was doing nothing wrong I explained and told them to look into it by all means but they wouldn't find anything.
I should imagine her ex who visits has documents that proves his address is elsewhere?

ManateeEquineOHara · 01/03/2014 23:11

Oh and yes of course he is a first rate fuckwit.

WorraLiberty · 01/03/2014 23:12

I get that she's worried OP

But it's down to them to prove she's living with someone that she isn't

They have to come up with hard evidence

It's not down to her to prove that she isn't.

VodkaRevelation · 01/03/2014 23:13

Perhaps your friend could keep a record book, for the time being, in which she documents times ex1 arrives and leaves. Just so she has a clear record to refer to as to the exact nature of his comings and goings.

There should be no problem in a father seeing his children regularly. She jut needs to make sure she can prove that is what is happening (if an investigation is about to commence).

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 01/03/2014 23:16

yeah- thought as much wrt no maintenance. total grade A cunt! spiteful and malicious and there should fucking consequences for him doing this!

Original poster
terrificallytremendous · 01/03/2014 23:17

But worra that's what worries her. The neighbours see him arriving after work like a dp might. See them alternating driving the car like partners might. He can prove he's getting a house but hasn't paid his mum anything since staying there. Their bank statements both show no dodgy transfers or withdrawals though. She's been told to take her bank statements along and is worried they'll see things like a recent one hundred pounds supermarket bill and assume she's feeding ex too.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 02/03/2014 00:25

As long as her benefits can cover her supermarket bill it's fine.

He won't have to prove anything about paying his mum because he's not the one under suspicion.

Even if the neighbours made written statements ( and I genuinely doubt they would ever be asked to ) that's still not proof he lives there.

bochead · 02/03/2014 03:16

She should take the ex2 CSA documentation with her. No parent actually living with their child pays the CSA for that child, they give it to the missus direct lol!!

Any court in the land will see that prick1 can't get his head round another man actually being a decent father after a split. Also if child 2 was 15 it might look odd popping round for tea every other night, but for an 18 month old it's just sensible as developmentally contact is best little and often at this stage. The ex also has "form" for pulling this sort of stunt - she should ask at what point his malicious reporting becomes harassment and she can report HIM to the police for it.

I can see why she is so upset, but think she'll actually be OK in the long run.

differentnameforthis · 02/03/2014 07:12

If another person had done it, (someone she didn't know) would that make them a dick too?

If she has nothing to hide, there is no problem.

BusinessUnusual · 02/03/2014 07:42

Different, it seems this man has done it to cause trouble rather than from civic duty. So yes, someone else would be a dick if they'd done the same for the same reason.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 02/03/2014 08:01

And she's just lost her mum too? :( what a scumbag.

differentnameforthis · 02/03/2014 08:27

BusinessUnusual

It actually sounds to me like he believes they live together, though.

RedFocus · 02/03/2014 08:28

I was reported (falsely) for benefit fraud and was interviewed at my house. I wasn't worried because I knew I wasn't and could prove it. It didn't go any further and my benefits never stopped. I was only claiming for a couple of months while I sorted my life out after my ex and I split up. I was shocked but not upset.
I am all for stopping benefit fraud and if some people have to go through an interview to prove their innocence then so be it.
Obviously if people are reporting because they are spiteful then they should be fined for wasting everyone's time.
Your friend will be fine as long as everything is above board.

Jengnr · 02/03/2014 08:32

Not a chance will she get done for this. She's not done anything.

Is the interview with compliance or fraud?

The ex is a twat, obv. No doubt that's why he's an ex.