To be shocked at some of the DHs portrayed in AIBU?

[SnowBells]

I know, I know… some will say I'm in a freakin' cocoon where men are gents or the like.

But seriously? How do people put up with downright twats?!?!

daisy

There are a lot of twats out there, and people only tend to post about things that annoy them - the twats. Hardly anyone will make the effort to type in that their partner is fine. I volunteer with new mothers and hear pretty much the same proportions of twatty-partner stories as I read on MN, because they are the ones who people want/need to offload about.

It's like all MILs are evil - the nice ones don't provoke the rants!

No-one is perfect. But i am shocked almost daily at how some live their lives, with abusive and controlling arseholes.

See, the thing is, in real life, I barely know anyone who is, or is getting, divorced. And more than that, most of the men in relationships with my friends run around after the women. I simply haven't met any men like the awful men described on here.

How much can they change? And how much should the women involved take responsibility, and do they change as well, so that the man loses interest?

Where on earth do women find them, and why on earth do they put up with them?

Lol Daisy

I think I live in the same "bubble" as LessMissAbs...

I can't see any of my friends divorcing any time soon. Their DHs treat them like such princesses that my own very lovely DH (who does a lot of house work; we're still working on the cooking skills ) sometimes looks like this when he hears or sees how pampered my friends are.

Although - thinking about it, I do think I have met women who have had abusive relationships. It's just I never knew them well. One thing I remember is it was always some sort of whirlwind courting thing. They fell for the guy's charm. I have to say never ever trust a guy who comes across as very charming. Psychopaths are known to be incredibly charming… mesmerizing even. Luckily for me, I seem to have an allergic reaction to such men, while others are drawn to them like moths circling a light. The media probably does not help… that's how many 'leading men' are portrayed. But those characters only really work in film. Not in real life. You can take them in short doses - 90 minutes or even 3 hours. But for life? I don't need a stalking Edward or a macho Jacob in real life, thank you very much.

I think I know where these men can be found, but I'm glad to say I've never ventured down those places...

As a delegate from the mysterious world of men, I can assure you that according to our calculations, at least 67% of stories you see in AIBU about bastards in need of leaving are entirely fabricated. On the whole men are entirely safe, clean creatures who go outside to poop and would never bite a person.

YANBU. Women are taught to put up with a lot of shit to have a relationship with a man.

I used to think the couples about me all had happy marriages, and didn't have DH's like the ones mentioned on here. But as a result of reading about manipulative partners, I have spotted this in some of the partners of people I know.

I don't think you really know though what is going on in a relationship, unless the couple split up. Then they tell you at least more of what was actually happening.

I think the financial set ups have shocked me more. I had never come across women saving up for maternity leave so they could still pay "their" share of the bills, until MN.

And my experience of MN, especially in relationships, is the OP tends to minimise the realities of what her DP is doing that is not good or outright abusive. I see no evidence of exageration (except on the occasional more lighthearted thread in AIBU), and lots of evidence of minimisation.

Grennie

I don't think the financial one is so bad, really… I mean, I would have to cut ML to something like two months. Why? Because I earn just as much as DH, and we can't live off his salary alone. 'My share of the bills' comes to around 2k a month. Maternity pay will never cover that. DH pays the full rent and half of council tax, but I pay most bills and half of food, contribute to DH's commute… basically, it works out 50-50. This means we could never live on one salary alone.

I think it is terrible.

Cutting your maternity leave because as a family you can't afford more is fine. Having the woman scrimping and saving for maternity leave while her partner has more money to spend on himself, is acting like an entitled idiot.

Lazyjaney - I agree wholeheartedly. Sometimes, the husband's/partner's side of the story would be really interesting. OK, his behaviour probably can't be denied but how much does the woman's behaviour 'drive' his behaviour ?

I wholeheartedly agree that women do exactly what men do when it comes to drinking, dishonesty of any kind etc.

I think there's an interesting mix on MN.
Plenty of minimising- as in RL.

But the thing that always makes me uncomfortable is the berating from posters who "wouldn't put up with that" lack of help/ unfair division of labour/ time off/ money for treats....
Firstly, sometimes I just don't believe it. I think some ppl are just fortunate not to be saddled with an arse of a DH. And in fact, if they did find themselves married to an unreasonable and controlling anthem would indeed, "put up with" a lot more than they previously thought.

Secondly. It appears terribly smug and unkind to criticise someone for not being as marvellously strong and independent as you are.
And being harsh with someone who is on the receiving end of a load of shit of shit is just compounding any abuse from their DP.

A useful phrase to consider when the temptation to be holier than thou about relationships is ...there but for the grace of God go I.

Golferman two things...you use "lol" and you play golf.

Agree with Amanda

People only write about them if they have problems, otherwise they don't generally bother. You get a skewed view on MN, it is the same with MIL- you would never guess that the majority are lovely!

And I agree with Amanda.
I don't think the general view of 'leave the bastard'( so prevalent we need the acronym LTB) is that helpful- it isn't that easy for them after years of emotional abuse.

And you know, sometimes 'real life' gets in the way and changes people. I spoke to someone who knew me 30yrs ago recently and he couldn't get his head around that I would ever take any crap from a man and yet I have had more than my fair share to grind my confidence down so low that it alters what I see as acceptable.

Agreed GhettoPrincess001, we only hear one side of the story on here. I made friends with a woman who was constantly ranting about her boyfriend on Facebook, he sounded like a complete monster. When I went to her house and met them both he was the sweetest and softest guy in the world, a complete pushover and she treated him horribly, constantly putting him down for no reason! Anyway it turned out from mutual friends that she just liked the drama and would exaggerate or stretch the truth massively to others. She worked alone at home and would enjoy the attention and sympathy she'd get.

I'm not saying people on here are all like that BUT there's two sides to every story!! I'm sure many of our partners vent to their friends about stuff we wouldn't agree with too and out their own spin on it.

The thread title specifies AIBU. Those with real relationship problems don't usually put them there (there's relationships, chat, 30 days etc if you want a supportive forum).

Quite a lot of those in AIBU get deleted (like yesterday's two).

The world of men is not in the least mysterious trog

you use "lol" and you play golf Buzzardbird

True tamer it is a bit skewed I think. My DH has just got up with DS. He made dinner last night, cleared up and is about to make breakfast. But i Normally wouldnt want to share that because I'd be too busy banging on about the fact that he left his clothes on the bathroom floor and his shoes in the middle of the hallway. Which he did btw.

^^
if I believed half the OPs on here it would be too much.

I forgot that the title was about AIBU but I think the same applies and many are like Amanda and just want a moan! If someone listed their good points it would be long. Everyone has their irritating quirks!

yrnbu. Mine is a selfish twat (separated for 2 years now).... but i still have to put up with him as im trying to co parent. still, maybe i should have got a divorce long ago instead of waiting to go to marriage counselling (this week) to sort through our issues!! tbh can't wait for a friggin divorce! and like someone else said it did creep up on me when we were married. i was ill, and vulnerable and didn't realise that the way he was wasn't my fault until a long time. by then i was knee deep in it, and it took some good advice and talking to, to get out, which i did for me and my dd.

I have occasionally made a mild complaint about DH on here, in my innocents. I was shocked at the vehemence of the responses that he is abusive/controlling/whatever and I must LTB right now or I'm not worth the effort.

Thing is DH is lovely, not abusive/controlling or anything else. I just have no one is in RL to let off steam to when I'm down and he is pushing my buttons.

I ended up defending him

I thing some responses may encourage the op to exagerate somewhat especially if they are attention seeking just a teansy bit.