To be shocked at some of the DHs portrayed in AIBU?

[SnowBells]

I know, I know… some will say I'm in a freakin' cocoon where men are gents or the like.

But seriously? How do people put up with downright twats?!?!

[NewtRipley]

Good post Anna.

[Anna1976]

Perhaps worth noting that a lot of the world is extraordinarily emotionally immature. Had I not spent a lot of time crying in CBT practitioners' offices, had i not joined Mumsnet and begun to read about what constitutes acceptable behaviour, I might have got to my current age (as opposed to just 3/4 of it) really truly believing that my parents know how to behave to one another and to everyone else in the world in a way that is completely useful, constructive and facilitatory.

Until I started noticing for myself that I needed to change my fairly stupid behaviour, noone else ever said anything. Or if they did, I didn't hear. None of us would qualify for Jeremy Kyle. It's just the naice suburban bourgeois shittery behind leadlight windows, people being nasty, selfish and immature, occasionally with awful consequences that just get brushed under the lovely woollen carpets; people being terribly unhappy but too intellectually superior and lacking in emotional and intellectual humility to actually go and sort things out.

So it doesn't surprise me in the slightest that people come on AIBU or Relationships describing the kind of shite that occupies me and my family every minute of the day. I see this kind of crap in a family that has no real financial constraints or really bad things happening to it. So under larger stresses of the more real, less privileged world, I can see DHs on AIBU being pretty horrible. Also DWs. etc.

Sadly, I think my mother/father/sister could each really do with counselling, CBT, joining Mumsnet, etc., but part of the problem with being unconstructive enough to get complained about on AIBU, is that you don't see the need to change your own behaviour.

[JabberJabberJay]

The thing is you have to understand how a situation creeps up on you, how demoralised and depressed you feel about it and how powerless.

Women stay in miserable relationships for many reasons-desire to keep the family together, fear, guilt etc.

[unlucky83]

Thanks Amanda

[GhettoPrincess001]

AIBU should be renamed...'My relationship is ending because...'

As it dawned on me that AIBU posters have put up with his shit for a long time. Let's face it, rarely is this the first or an isolated incident.

[daisychain01]

I have to say never ever trust a guy who comes across as very charming. Psychopaths are known to be incredibly charming… mesmerizing even

oh bum, people say my DP is charming...

Right! that does it! Im going to LTB... well - maybe he can leave in the morning ... after he's brought my Sunday morning cuppa.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Good post unlucky83

[BumPotato]

I was at a cocktail party with a group of nursery mums. After a load of cocktails everyone started speaking about their OHs. Every single one of them was with a total and utter twat. All of them had committed proper deal breakers IMO. All of them, except one, were blokes I previously thought were good guys. I came home and felt like crying cocktails remember because of the situations they were all in. My DH is by no means perfect, neither am I, but he's the opposite of a twat.

That party was about 4 years ago, and only one of them has LTB'd.

[unlucky83]

That's fantastic georgesdino!
(gives me hope for the future - I always tell myself only 100 yrs ago we weren't allowed to show our ankle or vote - so we are making progress) -
I have DDs...and am doing the best I can (worry sometimes as a SAHM I am showing a bad example) ...but if I had DS I would be making even more sure they knew what equal responsibility means!

[georgesdino]

Dh is still young so of a more modern generation imo so he cooks, cleans, does any childcare needed, took 2 maternity leaves for me, hardly drinks, doesnt get angry etc.

[georgesdino]

Some women have very low standards.

[AuntieStella]

"LTB" (and I mean initials only, and especially in AIBU) is likely to be tongue in cheek. AIBU is not a good place for serious relationship advice. Or serious advice on anything, come to that.

[Grennie]

I disagree. I think too many women expect too little in their relationships. That said, I rarely say to leave as I think that is a judgement strangers can't really make.

[Nomama]

Like Amanda I am equally horrified by the perfectionists who shout LTB for the most mundane of 'crimes'. It seems to be such overkill and, as Amanda says, designed to show how strong and superior the poster is... "Oh I wouldn't put up with that, no not me!", regardless of the pain or quandary the OP is in.

I appreciate that AIBU is for full and frank exchanges (I won't be heading for relationships either, too scary) but would like to think some of the LTBS posters might stop and think, every now and then!

[unlucky83]

I think it is really complex...all part of social change - which is (and always will) take time -
I don't know if I can explain this very well and it is to generalise
My generation (at least) were brought up to think women were equal but at the same time our mums were mainly SAHM still had full responsibility for childcare, housework etc - still emerging from them having 1940/50s parents. Brought up with feminism in the background to think we would be independent, have careers, equal responsibilities etc - basically a massive social change...
I think men never really got the same message - or at least not the same emphasis...they got it was ok for women to have a career - but not the equal responsibilities bit...they didn't appreciate the big change effected what was expected of them too.
So we have men who are happy for their wives to have jobs etc -but at home still expect their wife to do what their mother did...
And women fall into this trap subconsciously as it is what they witnessed as children - will be the first to become a SAHP etc (maybe it starts with maternity leave)... at the same time will do things that traditionally are seen as male roles - to be independent - stuff around the house, maybe have a job too ...
Then they realise they are doing everything, the penny drops - their DH is lazy and selfish, still living as a single person, entitled - and getting away with it because they can, they have not been expected to do more and after all their DW chose voluntarily to take on the 'traditionally male roles'
DW feels like a mug but still makes excuses for their DH because part of them realises they are not doing it because they are a 'bad person' just misguided and they (DW) have let them (DH) get away with it - if that makes sense...
(I think a well known feminist author has written something about this too)

I once had a classic discussion with my DP (comes from an even less enlightened background than most to be fair - you see I make excuses for his attitude!)...
I was talking about going back to work full time after being a SAHM and he said that would be great... said we would have to share responsibility for childcare etc.
With the current hours he works and ones I could work I said I could drop the DCs off on the way to work and he could pick them up after school.
His attitude - what? everyday? straight after work? I can't do that - maybe they could go to the afterschool club - that finishes at 6pm - you could pick them up on the way back from work ...
(So....ok for me to pick the DC up every day and straight after work.... after dropping them off, everyday, straight before work ... )
Which is actually what I did before I became a SAHM...
Sadly I really believe he wasn't deliberately being a twat - he just didn't think about it like that ...when I pointed it out to him though he decided it would be better if I didn't go back to work...(can't get a job anyway at the moment so not an issue)

Hopefully as time goes by we (male & female) will all be starting out with better role models and expectations....

[RhondaJean]

Sad thing is, it's made me very wary of posting anything about my DH which is less than complimentary. He is one of the good ones, but everyone needs a moan sometimes, he will do things like eat something I was planning on keeping, or having a busy week not pull his weight with something, or just drive me a bit mental and it would be nice to be able to unload on here but then to make it clear this isn't another lazy bastard scenario you need to do a (lighthearted) and try to put it in a joking way and really who has the energy to do that...

[Yonineedaminute]

Some Dh's are unreasonable arseholes.
Some Dws are unreasonable arseholes.
Due to the nature of this forum we only really get to hear about the unreasonable arsehole Dh's.
Some posts will be exaggerated for effect.
We are only hearing one side of the story.
People don't tend to post in AIBU about the wonderful behaviour of their DH.


For all the above reasons - YABU!

[NewtRipley]

Also

If you come on and post about your DHs skid marks or drinking and a few people say LTB, you are at liberty to ignore that. Or you might decide that actually there is a problem that you want to address.


OTOH too much vehemence at the wrong time can put people off, so I think we should all try and be gentle.

[stopgap]

It's staggering to me how little some husbands pitch in with housework or childcare, preferring to bog off to Estonia for week-long stag parties or playing cricket with the lads for ten hours on a Saturday.

[NewtRipley]

eee/Crowler

The thing is, you don't post about him.

People who post on here are often disclosing a thin end of a wedge. They feel uneasy enough to post, and sure enough, other stuff comes out.

I agree that none of us is perfect, including husbands. I also think that many many people are not aware of what abuse is, only that they feel deeply unhappy.

I also agree with CheerfulYank's post.

Not everyone has had an experience of growing up seeing a good relationship. They may genuinely not realise what is and isn't normal

[Crowler]

Oh yeah, my husband (who I generally adore) drinks way too much. I could curl hair on AIBU. He went on a bender when my youngest son was hospitalized. I am quite certain that I would have had some LTB's had I posted about it, which I didn't. He's also a great father, and to be fair he's more loyal to me than I am to him.

With age comes an ability to accept things that are not acceptable - an over time, in a long marriage, you see a fair few ungodly things in your spouse. I don't really see the point in hashing it all out among strangers, I've made my decisions in my marriage.

[eeetheygrowupsofast]

Hmm. I think in my RL world, women in long marriages do 'put up with a lot'. Not because they are all married to twats (two are in my opinion, one emotionally abusive I'd say) but because life and people are imperfect. We can all see our husbands have many flaws and faults so we know life ain't a bowl of cherries/grass isn't greener.

If I posted about my dh I'd probably be told to LTB - he drinks too much, he has a temper, he can be selfish, he sleeps half the weekend.

BUT that would be bollocks - he's extremely kind, emotionally intelligent, a SAHD who does so much great stuff with the kids in terms of education and activities, he has never been anything but supportive and loving to me when it comes to all the big stuff, he is a domestic god - best cook and cleaner in the known universe! He's clever and funny. I'm rambling, but you take my point...

[expatinscotland]

The level of financial abuse is what blows my mind, and the number of people who move in a cocklodger, with their kids.

[HuntingforBunting]

I must say mn has really helped me define the boundaries with my dh. I've found it hugely helpful. My dh is lovely.... To a point. He likes his own way and if I wasn't very conscious of equality of domestic chores, sharing of household finances, my own independence, with my own career I think he may well be demanding, entitled, lazy and expect me to do all the domestic work. All I'm saying is, is that some men, and I'm sure women, take the piss, because they can. It has taken quite a lot for me to not slip into an unequal and exhausting home life.

[fluffiphlox]

GrennieWomen are taught to put up with a lot of shit to have a relationship with a man

Which women? All women?

Huge generalisation.