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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know how to cope with my 4 year old son?

64 replies

Kermitpig · 28/02/2014 18:18

I have a 6 year old DD, 4 year old DS and 2 year old DS. I am a SAHM.

My 4 year old is driving me slowly insane. For the record my other 2 children are perfectly normally behaved and rarely naughty.

From the moment he wakes up, to the moment he goes to bed, he finds things to moans and cry very loudly about. Examples, if I say go into his room and say good morning, give him a kiss and open his curtains a little bit, he will throw a tantrum because I opened the curtains, or on other days it might be because I opened his bedroom door to come in. Even if I then close the curtains, it's not good enough and the screaming and crying continues.

At meal times, he will refuse to eat. Every single mealtime. Often, about an hour after we have all finished our meals, he will go back and eat something from his plate because he realises he is hungry.

Every mealtime usually begins and ends with him crying. I serve his food in his favourite bowl, and he will have a tantrum because he did not want his food in his favourite bowl.

What I'm trying to say is, no matter how I do things, he will find something to cry and create a big fuss about.

Almost every day at nursery pick up I have to pull him along while he screams his head off because I have bought the wrong snack, or brought his umbrella when he didn't want me to bring his umbrella for example.

I am so frustrated and angry as I am writing this. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wake up each morning hoping and planning for a smooth, calm day, and every single day I end up shouting at him, or having to put him in a different room because he is making such a racket screaming and crying.

I don't know how to deal with him anymore, and I'm scared my 2 year old DS is going to mimic his behaviour before long.

Can anyone offer me some ideas, methods that have worked for them? Thank you in advance.

OP posts:

Marzipanface · 28/02/2014 20:36

My Dd behaved like this for sometime. She has recently been diagnosed with ketotic hypoglycaemia. Now we know how to manage her sugars, frequent snacks through the day partic when unwell, her moods and irrationality have totally calmed down.

She was awful first thing in the morning, now we
know her blood sugarwas low. A snack before bedtime helped her stabilise overnight. Not trying to frighten you just something to consider.

Marzipanface · 28/02/2014 20:36

She was awful first thing in the morning, now we
know her blood sugarwas low. A snack before bedtime helped her stabilise overnight. Not trying to frighten you just something to consider.

hiccupgirl · 28/02/2014 20:46

You are completely describing my DS also 4 and he is an only child so I wouldn't worry about it being because he's a middle child etc.

Mine has been a whinges since about 7 months old. Tantrums started on a small scale at 13 months and then went sky high at 20 months. He was just awful for most of 2 and then 3 with days spent with him tantruming and screaming over nothing. He had improved and we had 4 blissful months of just moaning. Last week the tantrums started again and today he has had 2 mega ones over getting dressed and then not hitting the cat by accident!

My DS often wakes in a foul mood and he is def much worse when hungry or tired. He's growing again at the mo and I think hunger is causing a lot of the behaviour but he won't tell you he is hungry - he hates being second guessed and it puts his back right up. He is also extremely controlling.

I have wondered whether he will grow out of it or not. He is very bright, intense and a very deep thinker. I'm hoping school will help as he is very good at nursery and thrives on the structure there.

gimcrack · 28/02/2014 20:48

DS1 is like this. Very intelligent but can be hard work. Occasionally we have chats where I tell him that when he behaves like x towards me, it makes me feel sad. That works. Also, remain one step ahead and don't pander. Not hungry? No problem - you've got no room for pudding and your dinner is in the bin as we've all finished eating.

Stay chipper, and keep thinking about managing the behaviour.

hiccupgirl · 28/02/2014 20:53

Marzipangirl that's really interesting about your DD. My DS def has episodes of altered behaviour with horrible tantrums that only happen in the morning and stop within 5 mins of giving him a snack. He is very slender and the episodes only happen when he's having a growth spurt and needs extra calories. I had assumed it was low blood sugar but didn't realise it could be a serious issue.

trufflehunterthebadger · 28/02/2014 21:29

Give him cues and plenty of time warnings when you plan to do something. I use the cooker timer sometimes 'when the alarm gies off it's bedtime' . That works for her

Us too - I have found counting to five an absolutely fantastic method of getting her to do as she is asked "mummy is going to count to 5 then she would like the ipad back please". We rarely get to 5 as she is so excited by beating me. She is very competitive so turning something into a race is also effective. This has been an effective, free and very simple tool

Northernlurker · 28/02/2014 21:38

Children like this are hard work but it is such a brilliant feeling when you get everything clicking and all your trains roll in the right direction

dd3 said to me tonight 'Mummy I have realised that if I say yes when you ask me things I don't get in to trouble'

ALLLELUIA!

trufflehunterthebadger · 28/02/2014 21:43

northern, fancy an all-expenses paid trip to Hastings where your DD3 could share her wisdom with mine ?

Northernlurker · 28/02/2014 21:46

She is so pleased with herself! We'll see how long she remembers it.

Original poster

Kermitpig · 01/03/2014 19:39

Thank you so much for all the helpful suggestions. Some we've tried and he hates, some I'm going to try like the writing things down. I think he would relate to that.

OP posts:

heatseeker14 · 01/03/2014 22:14

Your DS sounds a lot like my DS2 used to be. From birth he was very unsettled and constantly wanted to be held. When I took him out in his pram for a walk as a very tiny baby I would end up carrying him whilst pushing an empty pram. I felt so frazzled and was convinced he suffered from colic or something, but I don't think that was the case now.

When he got a bit older he would death stare and growl at times if annoyed. He held a massive grudge if anyone did him the slightest wrong against him and would remember what had happened in worrying detail. It was always his way or no way and it was like treading on egg shells every day. I was convinced he would have an ASBO before becoming a teenager.

He is now 5 1/2 and is a delight to be around most of the time, still head strong, extremely independent and over confident. He is also forward for his age and is doing well at school.
I am sure your DS will grow out of it in just a matter of time. I always find that DS is at his worse when tired or just before and during a cold.

Try to keep calm and set clear boundaries. If you have said you have asked him to eat more and he refuses, say the food will be removed with no further option available. Then take food away, he shouldn't be able to go back and help himself. If he screams when you bring a snack that he doesn't want, say it's that or nothing, if he continues to tantrum say if you continue there won't be a snack next time and stick to it.

Original poster

Kermitpig · 02/03/2014 13:52

Our sons sound very similar! Very reassuring to know he grew out of it, thank you.

OP posts:

Tinpin · 02/03/2014 14:53

My daughter was like this. She would scream about the way I shut the car door??? the way I walked up and down the stairs. It was constant and never ending. Once in desperation I shut her out in the garden and she picked up any thing she could find and threw it at the windows. At nursery she was a model child. She got better once she started school. She is very bright and needed lots of interesting challenges. I didn't handle it well- I was often so tired and angry and she was the oldest of 3 under 4. So I'm not being much help but it might help to know that from the age of 6 she was no trouble. She was a reasonably easy teenager and now at 23 has a great job. I look back and think she was probably a bright little girl frustrated at not being in charge of her world. I should have given her more choices perhaps.

Objection · 02/03/2014 15:37

I have a charge quite like this. I've found that ignoring the whiney/bad behaviour was the most effective. Sounds like, as he is doing it just with you, that it is a very odd attention thing.
ignore. If he makes a fuss at dinner - ignore. If he crys when you're leaving nursery - just take him by the hand, lead him out and don't say a word.
The ignoring has to be consistent.

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