To not know how to cope with my 4 year old son?

[Kermitpig]

I have a 6 year old DD, 4 year old DS and 2 year old DS. I am a SAHM.

My 4 year old is driving me slowly insane. For the record my other 2 children are perfectly normally behaved and rarely naughty.

From the moment he wakes up, to the moment he goes to bed, he finds things to moans and cry very loudly about. Examples, if I say go into his room and say good morning, give him a kiss and open his curtains a little bit, he will throw a tantrum because I opened the curtains, or on other days it might be because I opened his bedroom door to come in. Even if I then close the curtains, it's not good enough and the screaming and crying continues.

At meal times, he will refuse to eat. Every single mealtime. Often, about an hour after we have all finished our meals, he will go back and eat something from his plate because he realises he is hungry.

Every mealtime usually begins and ends with him crying. I serve his food in his favourite bowl, and he will have a tantrum because he did not want his food in his favourite bowl.

What I'm trying to say is, no matter how I do things, he will find something to cry and create a big fuss about.

Almost every day at nursery pick up I have to pull him along while he screams his head off because I have bought the wrong snack, or brought his umbrella when he didn't want me to bring his umbrella for example.

I am so frustrated and angry as I am writing this. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wake up each morning hoping and planning for a smooth, calm day, and every single day I end up shouting at him, or having to put him in a different room because he is making such a racket screaming and crying.

I don't know how to deal with him anymore, and I'm scared my 2 year old DS is going to mimic his behaviour before long.

Can anyone offer me some ideas, methods that have worked for them? Thank you in advance.

My son now 6 was like that. I'd describe him as being sensitive and high maintenance as a young child. He's also very bright, very creative, used sentences very early, very able to read emotions, has great initiative and lots of fun. If he's tired or I'm tired, that's when we see the worst of him. He is at his best when engaged mentally. Humour is his thing and we can get anything done through a bit of random silly behaviour. The more off he wall the better.

school nursery did not think ds had asd either. good job the consultnt disagreed!

try talking to the gp to see if you need a referral.

He sounds similar to my ds when he was 3-4 years old, I couldn't see an end to it.

He was great at nursery but a nightmare for me and sometimes his dad.

He grew out of it, that coincided with him starting reception.

I hope you get it sorted one way or another because I remember how stressful and upsetting it was.

Also once past the tiredness, school was a good influence.

Wow systems! I just read your reply and I can totally relate to everything you said, exactly like my DS.

Have you read Toddler Taming? It has some great advice in it.

I have the same with my 4 year old

it actually has reduced me to tears this week I am really struggling with it

solidarity

Does he snore or have any food allergies?

Otherwise, I think the withdraway of negative attention sounds like a really good plan.

It sounds really difficult...

Ps. I like and second Dolls like yours advice.

How is his sleep/bedtime? Could part of it be overtiredness?

There is a website called Potential Plus. There is a list on there of some the characteristics of gifted children.

I used to worry that my oldest DS had aspergers because of his behaviour outside of school (very well behaved at school). As he got older, he learnt to cope more with frustration (although, at 9 he is still volatile at times!).

He was eventually assessed as gifted by an educational psychologist who directed me to the potential plus site. When I looked at the list of traits on there, I realised a lot of the things that made me think of aspergers are also common in gifted children who can apparently be very sensitive/anxious/demanding. They also have advice on the site as well, it might be worth a look for you.

The explosive child was also a good book for us.

High strength fish oils also seem to help DS. If he misses them for a few days then there is a real difference in his mood.

Op you are not alone. No advice but I'm lurking as my 3.9 month old is exactly the same. He really knows how to push my buttons, awful winge/scream if he doesn't get his own way, wilful and defiant. Yet an absolute joy behaviour wise and so caring to others when we are at parties, softplay etc.

Baffles me. Only thing I can think of is boredom? Or perhaps I'm too soft?

Anyway I'm hoping for some tips from your thread. He's had me in tears as he said he does that as he doesn't like mammy

I had one of those as well - contrary, and moods that could change in an instant. I would also recommend Toddler Taming, and learning the art of distraction so that when he starts kicking off you say something like "Oh, that's interesting - look at that bird / cat / plane, what do you think it's doing?" (this also works on husbands / partners).

was just going to recommend the explosive child book too.

Our nearly 5yo DS can be very like this. The waking up grumpy thing since a baby particularly resonates - although he does that less now.

Our DS has been terribly behaved at school (hurting other kids) so school have been very engaged and helping him and us - bringing in the local behaviour and language team. They have all been fab. For DS they think it may be language related - while his language is pretty advanced, he doesn't express how he's feeling (which is when he lashes out instead). He's going for a health assessment next week.

The advice that they have given us is that DS thrives on structure, and that he needs us to be in charge (so he gets just a few times when he can directly influence the choice of what we are doing). We do a picture calendar for the week. We have a picture schedule for getting ready for school in the morning. We make plans and simply present them to him. We have clear house rules. We give him time outs for not following the rules - 5mins for hurting anybody, 1min for lesser offences.

It's still early days, but he is already a much happier child, and we are happier parents.

We have previously done love-bombing and that was very helpful too. It dealt well with any insecurity DS had about how we felt about him.

Nothing helpful to add but just wanted to say you aren't alone.
My dd2 (5) is exactly as you describe. She was also a clingy baby and toddler. She also is very bright, very we'll behaved at school but an utter nightmare at home.
I think the combination of her personality (strong minded, stubborn etc) and being insanely jealous of our dc3 (16months) leads to the constantly challenging behaviour. I'm hoping she will come to terms with her 'middle child' status over time and learn to channel her energy more positively.
I do really really understand your post though, it could have been me writing about dd2

We have also read the Explosive Child and tried the technique with our DS.

It didn't help us much because DS needed us to take more control, and that is about a collaborative problem-solving technique, so places a lot of responsibility with the child still. Nothing wrong with that of course, and great for older children - but it might be counter-productive, particularly as your DS is still really very young to have much responsibility.

I'm amazed that your 2 year old understands the rules because mine certainly doesn't.

As someone else said your 4 year old sounds tired. Mine still needs a nap 1-2 times a week despite protesting otherwise. But if we sit with him in his dark room he will be asleep in 2 minutes.

I wonder if this is a bit of middle child syndrome as well. You might expect bit much of him. Let him choose his bowl, give him some control. Back off a bit - my ds doesn't want a kiss and a cuddle first thing and I'm his favourite! What does he like doing?

Getting out of the house - give him some control. Eg let him decide if he wants a coat or not, have a rule about what he can/cannot bring but if its the wrong thing then be breezy about it. You can negotiate a bit with him about stuff.

He's not not 2 but he's not 6 either. So go easy on him.

You must be exhausted as well which makes it harder and I certainly know that me and ds just bounce back off each other when I'm like that. But I don't blame him - I am the adult and I choose to shout/get annoyed/angry when instead I need to teach him how to deal with his emotions. So for example if ds gets upset I tell him to tell me nicely what the issue is.

Reading your post again OP he sounds exactly like my DS. My DS is gifted he is exceptionally intelligent, I think he might get bored at nursery and also I cant give him the intense input I know he would benefit from, I am a lone parent and full time job - but it is so hard and upsettingwhen it's so wearing and exhausting - Im always calm and try so hard I'm just ...aaahh

Great post TheGreat, and I agree.

My DS, 3.5, often behaves as your DS, OP. And it's over tiredness in the main. I know you say that he behaves like it in the morning, presumably after a night's sleep, but do you know how he is sleeping. Plus lack of sleep is accumulative.

Encourage a nap. If not, earlier bedtime.

He needs to get through this phase, where he is physically and mentally pushing himself, but he doesn't have quite the amount of energy to do it all. His energy levels will soon catch up.

Glad I found this. I was going to post about my 2 year old dd. Her constant crying, whining and hystericla yowls of 'mummyyyyy' are driving me round the bend - to the point where I'm starting to think I'd rather stay in work til 7 every night, and miss her entirely - but then I wouldn't see Ds either.

She too, was a bloody hard baby and, in spite of her sense of humour and affectionate nature, I feel like she's done nothing but create since she was born.

To be fair though, she's also a bit of a diva in nursery, so it;s not jjst me. But every fucking night, from the second I get home until she goes to bed. Poor Ds has taking to sighing and saying, "just ignore her, mummy."

Tell me she'll be a glorious teenager.

Oh blimey, your DS sounds just like my 4 year old DD. Really, really similar. The endless battles are exhausting.

Have found one thing has really helped recently - no processed foods, no sugar. Since we stopped giving her sweets etc we have noticed a marked improvement. I try to offer her as much choice as possible and anticipate "flashpoints". Exercise also really helps

It is such hard work.

Get him to make decisions. When he goes to bed ask him if he wants his curtains open or closed in the morning and write it down with him.
Let him choose his clothes and get dressed(my ds2 only went to preschool once in his pjs).
Before he goes to preschool give him a choice of snacks for after and write down the one he chooses.
Have a selection of plates, bowls and cups so he can choose.
It does get better.

Meal times give him a choice of what plate/bowl he wants to use. Take the food away and offer heathy snacks if he is hungry.

Allow him to decide what he wants after nursery and set it out ready before he goes.

Get an alarm clock set it for the time you want him to wake up, then after a few minutes go into the bedroom .

Most of all be kind to yourself it's nothing you have or haven't done. Make sure you unwind when he is in bed.