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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

exasperated at DP with finding a house

37 replies

ohnotagainagain · 28/02/2014 16:50

we've been looking for a house since before DD was born 2 years ago. DP agreed that I could give up work when DD arrived so I relented on my choice of area close to my parents and my work. Since we didn't move then and since DD's arrival 2 things have happened. I have gone back to work 3 days a week and my parents look after her for one of those days. So he's reined in his choice from a 30 mile commute, to a 20 mile commute to just half-way across London. This is still wholly inconvenient for me to get to my parents and more difficult for me to get to work. I've just found somewhere today which is down the road from our (my) current small flat, and it seems perfect to me (lots of rooms, garden, period property - lovely). I'm exasperated as he won't even entertain a viewing. AIBU to be absolutely at my wits end, exasperated with him? With not too much of a push, I could afford to move there myself if I do continue working but I am thinking this would cause even worse problems...
Sorry, that turned out longer than expected. Arghh.

OP posts:
kat0406 · 28/02/2014 16:53

Does he have a valid reason for not even considering the area you are interested in? Does he live with you in your flat at the minute?

BlackDaisies · 28/02/2014 16:55

How difficult is it for him to travel from there?

Creamycoolerwithcream · 28/02/2014 16:55

I guess if he doesn't want to stay in the area you are in now then he doesn't need to view the house. How long will each of your commutes be from the area he wants to live in ( in time not miles).

thecatfromjapan · 28/02/2014 17:05

You need to chat. If you move to his area you will have to pay extra childcare costs to cover 1. the day your parents do for free and 2. the extra time you spend commuting to your job.

Actually that statement is wrong: you will be paying to cover the time he isn't there .... though I suspect it will always be presented in the terms of the first statement ... watch out that you don't end up pressured to give up work because childcare costs more than you get paid ....

Anyway, that aside ... what (if any) are the upsides to moving to the area he is interested in?
Has he looked in that area?

Seriously, there is something in your post that suggests that you are neither of you serious about moving yet, and haven't had The Talk and haven't looked at enough properties. Perhaps that is because you are worried that you have a Serious Disagreement ahead of you, lying just below the House Buying Decision.

Well, you need to find out.

And maybe I'm wrong about all that - and he'll come home tonight and say: "That house - let's go and see it. I've been thinking: it sounds great!"

thecatfromjapan · 28/02/2014 17:07

Sorry -a m cooking - in second paragraphh, I was trying to get acrtoss fact that childcare covers both parents being out and about, working and so on, (when there are two parents) - not just the female/person on a lower wage.

Original poster
ohnotagainagain · 28/02/2014 17:14

kat0406 yes he lives with us at the moment, he pays bills, I pay the mortgage. He doesn't like the area we're in because it is too mixed with council and private housing ... he's from outside of London and doesn't realise that most of London is like this; and where we are is actually quite nice.

BlackDaisies he is a cycle ride of 20 minutes away (downhill!)
Creamycoolerwithcream yes exactly his point. His will be about 40 mins drive (he could no longer cycle) and mine would be over an hour which would put the nursery/work schedule with DD out of the window.
thecatfromjapan the upsides are that it is perceived as a 'nicer' area than we are in at the moment - however - we could only afford a tiny place there, whereas up the road we could afford a house with .. more rooms and a garden. You are spot on and he is not very good at Talks, which is clearly what is making this a prolonged process!

OP posts:
fideline · 28/02/2014 17:53

Have you stated your preference for floorspace and convenience over postcode and long commutes as non-negotiable for you?

Or are matters in a more fluid state of negotiation?

Original poster
ohnotagainagain · 28/02/2014 18:01

fideline it's more fluid on my part because he keeps suggesting that I could give up work, which before having DD I thought that I'd love to do. However, it's not as easy as that because I value my independence more than I ever expected since taking maternity leave and he didn't really 'look after' me quite as much as I would have hoped.

OP posts:
fideline · 28/02/2014 18:05

I think until one of you takes a firm line on at least one criterion, it's bound to drift on and the discussion will periodically become focussed on a specific house, which one of you will reject, and then things will drift some more.

fideline · 28/02/2014 18:07

Do you think the house issue has become a cipher for other tensions?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 28/02/2014 18:12

Tell him to give up work if he feels so strongly about it.

shewhowines · 28/02/2014 18:24

I'd be wary of agreeing to give up work/independence whilst you are so, on different pages. It is hard to get an equivalent job after an extended period of SAH. Only do it if you are 100% certain, your marriage will last.

If you are even mildly contemplating moving there on your own, then it seems you have a few lot of doubts.

fideline · 28/02/2014 18:28

She I don't think OP is married

Which puts you in a weak position if you buy house jointly with him and give up work, BTW OP

But you don't sound like you want to SAH

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 28/02/2014 18:31

Don't be a sahm if you don't want to be. Why is he so adamant you should be?

Agee with the above, you aren't married (is this right?), so it would put you in a difficult position if something went wrong. Legally you have no rights.

Original poster
ohnotagainagain · 28/02/2014 18:51

Thanks fideline and Pobble. There are other tensions, but I think the house is the main sticking point. No, we're not married. (Off-topic: I had to get baby in before I got too old so we focussed on that first! Which in hindsight was the best decision we ever made as TTC number 2 isn't happening still after 13 months...)

Anyway! He's in fact not so adamant that I should be a SAHM, I think it was more a desire on my part which he semi-supported due mainly I think meaning that I would give in on the house location issue (it seems??!) But I'm still in two minds about. I guess that is what is not helping this situation.

If I buy the house either jointly or on my own, why would I be in a worse position in relation to the house if I gave up work? I have no idea on these types of legal issues! Oh no- is this getting even more complex!!!Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
ohnotagainagain · 28/02/2014 18:53

due mainly to it meaning that I would give in on the house location issue - sorry, fingers typing their own thing!

OP posts:
fideline · 28/02/2014 18:58

If a marriage during which a parent had spent time SAH split up, that parent would have their decreased earning capacity recognised/recompensed in the division of the marital assets.

If unmarried couple, one of whom is or has been a SAHP separate, then the house will be split according to ownership and the only other money to change hands would be (derisory) child support.

Joint or sole ownership is not as drastic as being an unmarried SAHM living in his house, but it is still putting you at a disadvantage.

fideline · 28/02/2014 19:01

On the house issue, surely there are two options; either keep drifting along in a polite sort of deadlock, or confront it head on?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 28/02/2014 19:06

If something happened to him and you aren't married you aren't entitled to his estate and you would have a job claiming any money if you have separate accounts as you aren't his next of kin. Common law marriages don't exist. As far as I'm aware you can have something drawn up with a solicitor.

I think I've written that correctly, if I haven't can someone put it right.

fideline · 28/02/2014 19:07

Sorry, I said that as though it was easy Blush , but the indecision must be unbearable.

fideline · 28/02/2014 19:10

Sounds right to me Pobble

And even with wills, unmarried couples still get clobbered by Inheritance Tax, whilst married partners benefit from generous exemptions. These are all things that can put the children's family home at risk.

We are little rays of sunshine aren't we? Sorry, but you need to know this stuff

Laquitar · 28/02/2014 19:21

The downhill cycle is uphill on the way back!
If you like the area and you have loving grandparents close by it will be crazy imo to go to another area just because this one is not fancy.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 28/02/2014 19:29

I'd stay put until you can agree on a compromise. You sound like you have your head screwed on staying in employment and living near to your support network. I hope you find a solution.

Thrillybumsmum · 28/02/2014 20:15

Fideline - I'm in a similar situation to op. Live with partner in jointly owned home,

Thrillybumsmum · 28/02/2014 20:29

orry posted too soon. On mat leave with first child. Considering staying at home. He would like to move closer to his work which I'm not keen on. I would like to stay at home for a few years but worry about giving up my financial independence. We are not married. Is there anywhere on this site or anywhere else on the web that tells me the basics of what I need to know before making decisions? You sound like you know your stuff!