to ask dds teacher to speak to my exH about doing homework on his weekends

[terrificallytremendous]

Dd is 6. Her dad has been collecting her from school every other Friday for his contact weekend since September. She has a reading book, spellings and homework to do over the weekend and he doesn't do any of it with her. She gets upset and asks me to do it with her on Sunday evening, which I have been doing, but she's tired and should be winding down for bed at this point so it takes ages longer than it should. I've asked exH to help dd do it over the course of the weekend, but have been ignored.

It's parents evening next week and we're attending separately. Aibu to speak to dds teacher first and ask her to emphasise the importance of doing it over the weekend she's with him? Or is it my problem to deal with if he's being an arse?

Can you not ask the teacher for an additional day so you can do it on e.g. Monday night instead?

Why should she? he's a parent not a child minder.. he can help with a bit of hw!

BTW OP yanbu! Don't tell the teacher to have a word as such but definitely let her know that the homework gets done on your weeks

Yes, the "skiing" poster does ring a bell with me too.

Definitely keep an email trail of all the times you make contact re homework, school uniform, lunch box - all the details. If you do change contact to Saturday mornings, will that actually work in practice? Or will he turn up at the school at hometime anyway and create?

The other option is for you to take the wind out if his sails and take him to court to vary the contact arangemts based on his failure to support your dd's school work. Could that work? Or at least give him something to think about...

I can't take him to court (there isn't a court order in place at the moment to vary) but changing contact will make him take me to court, which tbh I welcome as it's one issue after another as a result of his inability to put dd first. Yes, he's the skiing dad. Thankfully he got fed up of that, then started a different hobby which he does every Saturday even though there's an activity dd would like to do herself then.

So, does she still have to sit on her own in a cafe for hours with an ipad, while he does his hobby?

Do they really only have over the weekend for this? As a teachers wouldn't do this for this very reason, plus families don't always have time over the weekend. Homework is Wed to Wed here.

I remember your previous threads. The man is an idiot.

In my experience the water will pour off the ducks back. In my case he could then no longer be bothered to attend parents meetings.
Now at 10 DD has made the choice not to see him.

Re: what Emily said: we too set homework so that it suits a range of families with different routines. So, usually, that means setting it on a Friday, to be handed in on the following Wednesday, so that people who have busy weekends can do it during the week, and vice versa. Plus, it gives us two evenings to mark it.

But that doesn't alter the fact that your ex is an arse. But then, I presume that's why he's an ex! Imagine if you were still saddles with him?

Could you ask the teacher for the weekend homework on, say, a Wednesday, so then you could get it done with DD before the weekend? Not really solving the problem but possibly a way around it.

Apart from that agree with everything Hissy says.

The chances are it wouldn't be ready on a Wednesday, if the routine is to give it out on a Friday.

He is the skiing dad? How the hell did I 'know' that?

You already know that her happiness and wellbeing, safety even are not things that concern him in the slightest,

He is actually neglecting your dd, and failing her every contact he has.

Rejig the contact and offer him saturday collection after the activity she wants to do, and return her sunday afternoon. If he wants another day, fine, let him tell you when and he can collect her from school then either take her to school the next morning, or return her to you after a couple of hours.

Your child is in a dysfunctional family environment and will be harmed by it.

Let him take you to court, i'd love to see what the judge thinks of his 'care' while at skiing.

This poor girl will grow up thinking she's not good enough, will be at far greater risk of falling prey to a narcissist or an abuser.

Because he's just scoring points. Her welfare is not even on his list of priorities.

Think it was the ipad reference.

Yeah, but blimey, hardly unheard of for an EOW dad to sling the kid an ipad I guess writing style must make more of an impact!

He was so uncaring, so callous, and actually out and out mean, considering the GF's dc had their skiing paid for, while that poor little girl was left completely alone in a public flaming cafe, where anything could have happened to her. She was 5 I think, when the previous thread was written.

:(

I've had this argument with ds dad so many times, I've given up now.

Upshot is, we have ds home at 8 on a Sunday night and he does it then, absolutely shattered.

His dad won't do it as the weekend is 'family time'.

Sorry, I don't have time to read the whole thread. Apologies!!!

I'm a primary teacher and we do NOT give homework at the weekend. They get homework mon-thurs.

Children work hard enough in school, and as a parent now myself, I know how hard it is to get them to do their homework!!!

I'd maybe politely/quietly ask to see their homework policy, every school should have one. Weekends should be for families. Children should be able to relax, so should their parents!

Occasionally, I might ask mine to do something at the weekend eg practise reading a poem that I want them to recite.

Or if I'm very organised, I give them their homework on a Friday for the following week. Some children have a lot of clubs etc on and it gives them the option to do it at the weekend, IF they want.

So long as they hand it in on the right day, it's up to them how they organise it. Quite a few of my pupils like to have this option as it frees up their weeknights. They're older, though.

With my own DS, I get them to do their reading etc in the car. I ask them to spell out words, we do counting and sums, I ask them to tell me sentences etc etc.

I used to tell my younger classes to do the same eg count in 2's as you walk home, in the car, the bath etc.

I try to make it as easy as possible for parents.
Anyway, YANBU. Apologies for maybe going off at a tangent! And sorry for any typos!!!!

That's the thing though, what suits one family won't necessarily suit another. For every family who believe that the weekends are for resting and family time, there's another who have hectic week nights and would prefer a session on a Saturday/Sunday with less of a time constraint.
Friday-Weds (or similar) allows that flexibility.

Definitely reduce contact because of his poor behaviour while you can ie there's no court order. If he rants and raves, put the phone down on him, don't answer the door to him, ignore abusive emails and texts.
He may not even bother with court action as t hat would involve him spending money and making an effort.
He's a cock, so don't waste time expecting him to be reasonable, just do what suits you and your DD and treat him with polite indifference. He's the least important person here.

I give out homework on a Friday to be returned the following Wednesday. It's a short turn around marking-wise for me but it allows children who have separated parents (or children with activity filled weekends) more room to manoeuvre.

It might be worth approaching the class teacher about altering the class time table? Your DD won't be the only child that has this problem over the years.

Agree. Ask the school to review its homework dates. Ours is set on Wed to be returned Mon, so people can choose to do in week or over weekend. This has been done particularly with children in mind who go to other parent at the weekend.

YADNBU. This sort of behaviour just reinforces the stereotype of NRPs who see themselves as the "fun" parent who get all the good times without ever doing any of the nitty gritty hard work. At the age of 6, surely her work can't take long if she's not too tired and he should be taking that responsibility.

Problem is hissy he just denies it all to everyone else and relies on dd being too afraid to speak up for herself so the skiing and every other dickish thing is my word against his in court.

Contact is for the benefit of the child.

Him failing to support her is NOT of any benefit to her. This you can prove!

Inform him of the change in contact arrangements and stick to them. If he can't make 8 contact, leave it until the next one.

IF he learns to behave like a proper parent, then you can review, but you can't have him calling the shots anymore.

Suggest a change in contact eg eow but alternating fri afternoon to sat eve and sat afternoon to Sunday eve and add in a midweek night.

Contact is for the child's benefit - how can it be in her best interests to be stressed at doing homework late on a Sunday.

Very sad for her if he is willing to lie about the skiing etc and doesn't care about her homework etc.

However in the long run it will be sadder for him as she is bound to realise how little he cares and soon she will get to an age where she will be able to exercise a choice over contact.

I don't - he won't do midweek contact hobby as he's busy with his hobby Sadly it's not soon that she can choose though is it, it's at least 5 years. 5 years of his crappiness could potentially do dd a lot of damage