Where has my 7yo disappeared? AIBU?

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I some times think I'm loosing it. My dd is 7 and seems to have turned into an obnoxious little madame. I can't tell if I'm being unrealistic, harsh, or what.

When I pull her up on something, however minor and however gently or harshly I do it, her favourite phrases at the moment (in an insufferably whiny indignant voice) are

1. It's not my fault!
2. I didn't know I wasn't allowed to do that/say that/that it was rude
3. Whatttttttttttt?

It's been driving me mental. Today she ran towards the road after school. When I told her off , she said all three of the above phrases immediately. Later we were watching a funny video online and she talked all the way through it, when I asked her to stop, she put her hand up and told me to 'shush'. I called her on this and she repeated all the above phrases. I finally snap and say she's lost her tv time for tonight. When out walking to her drama group this evening she argues about said tv time, saying I obviously 'don't like her' and just generally picking at me and I'm getting more and more wound up to the point where I tell her to stop talking to me. She won't stop- and asks me a banal question about something. When I don't respond she said, 'come on! Yes or no?!

Seriously - in recent months I've probably posted 2 or 3 times about her behaviour but even I'm shocked at how much I've let it get to me tonight.

I was ranting and raving (like my own mum) by the time we got home and asked her to leave me alone. I've told her she's going to bed an hour early and she's furious. She is also of course repeating all her favourite 3 phrases above ^^ on repeat.

DD followed me round the house wanting to argue and argue so I've come to my bedroom to cool off. I'm a dick aren't I?

Musicposy has hit the nail on the head,

By starting this thread, you yourself have acknowledged you have reached your tolerance for her behaviour, nip it now,

It's just another stage, like the toddler bit, where you iron out any behaviour or attitude changes that need to be made in preparation for the teen hormonal stage, it's really worth getting on top of now, as there is nothing like a fractious teen to really test the soul,

When mine come in from school we run about a bit hit all the chores, they unload their bags, then pack them for the next day, put in PE kits, make sure uniforms are ready,make sure the next day's after school activity, then they can relax, this means that over the evening they have a chance to remember any extra, and there are no surprises or rushes in the morning.

It also means that we have a chance in the morning to do other chores, so it never one big blast,

I hate spending my time reminding people about things that they need to attend to, so we have agreed, everything get done right away, then everyone can relax, it creates so much more time (positive time), and removes nearly all stress.

We are really active, most days we are doing something, if we didn't have a cooperative situation going on, there is absolutely no way we would be able to do so much, they know this, so want to do their bit.

They understood the concept of "energy points" from an early age, and even used it to explain when they were shattered,

When we have encountered reluctance to do what ever, I can quicken a change, by asking if they would like me to spend my energy points on altering their behaviour, or going surfing (other pastimes available), it's their choice, I really don't mind, but you can't have both, occasionally they want to get into it, but it rarely happens.

I really like the idea of energy points quote. My dd is very active as well in terms of activities so we are always rushing around and I have to do a lot of nagging and pleading. One example is a Thursday where she has two activites after school. I rush home from work to cool tea and ferry her between activities. When she is eating her tea she has a tendency to mess about (slow eater, moves away from table a lot). I spend the entire time coaxing her and pleading, all the while my blood pressure levels rising because she's going to be late. She is FAR less bothered than I am, but I just cannot take her to an activity half an hour late when I've paid for it and she is competing. She doesn't care though, just doesn't care. By the time we have arrived, I am usually rabid and raving and completely furious:/ . I am slowly turning into my mum, who while mostly lovely - was a shouter and often cross.

This morning the latest saga is that she woke me up twice in the night. My dd is of the opinion that once she's awake, everyone else has to be. I've posted a thread about this before. Last nights behaviour resulted in a 4am and 6am wake up for the whole house. My partner had to go sleep in another room as she came in once too often for him to be able to sleep. I've ranted and raved about this as well in the past...punished her, removed privilidges, send her straight back to her room, nothing works.

I am thinking of knocking off half and hour of her bed time for every wake up she inflicts on us. Thoughts? She is 7 years old and I honestly feel like I get less sleep now than I did when she was little. I am a light sleeper and once I'm woken, that's it, regardless of the time of night. I've gone to work in recent months like a zombie and friends can't believe I'm tolerating this from a 7yo. She keeps saying she will stop but it never happens .

I completely agree with rootypig in her first post. Expecting perfection is unfair and unrealistic, No-one is perfect.

How do you get them to stop ARGUING with every word that comes out of my mouth?

Stop arguing back. It takes more than one person to have an argument. Simple clear consequences for behaviour, agreed in advance, then you can be far more matter of fact and not get dragged into the argument.
You are giving her masses of attention. Ignore the backchat, walk away. She doesn't have the emotional maturity to contain her emotional outbursts and to be honest, you're probably not really helping her learn
Later you can tell her calmly that you feel upset when she is rude to you and if she does it again, she will get 1 warning, then a consequence. Then you have to be calm and consistent in enforcing it.

My 8 yo DS is really not a moany child but if he gets one on him and starts I always say:

"oh life's so hard isn't it? Poor DS, no Xbox (for example, or whatever else he's whining about), nothing to do, awful parents, smelly farts and ugly face"

Gets him laughing and forgetting about what he's moaning about

Pick your battles and ignore, ignore, ignore

Wow Quote and Musicposy you two are MN gods

DD nearly 7, just kicked and broke the lock on the bathroom door.
Last week she locked her uncle in a room when he asked her to do something she did not want to do.

Can I send her to you for re-education?

it's really worth getting on top of now, as there is nothing like a fractious teen to really test the soul

Doesn't necessarily follow. I've known lots of dc who were awful as small children and really easy teens, and vice versa. Things change, issues change over time.

It's our job as parents to teach dc how to behave, how to be responsible and so on. But it doesn't happen overnight and it varies from child to child. I wouldn't expect perfect behaviour all the time in a young child, they are still learning. That doesn't mean they get away with things or I ignore the bad behaviour, but discipline and teaching takes time. As someone said above, rules should be flexible and take into account the needs and personality of each individual child.

I agree dancer, it doesn't always follow at all.

Oh, and I also think it's a misconception that you have to be really strict to have well behaved children. I think about a family I know who have 4 boys. Both parents are the antithesis of strict, they're so laid back. Yet their boys are the loveliest children you could meet.

Warmth, love, humanity and kindness are so important than rigid rules and can teach children a great deal.

I've known plenty of absolutely awful young kids who have grown into terrible teens who have no respect for anyone and do exactly as they please. I'd reckon there are more of them than there are kids who are challenging when young but fine as teens, unless something has been done to help them get a grip on their behaviour before they hit the teens of course.

OP, stop the activities. Give her the choice that she either gets on and eats her tea and is ready by whatever time you need her to be or she just doesn't go. If she is really into the activity, she'll soon get the idea.

She's also old enough to know that she isn't allowed to disturb you until after whatever time you deem appropriate. I think sending her to bed eariler is just going to make that worse.

Try some rewards/charts. Break it down into smallish chunks and have her work towards a treat. I find positive reinforcement works wonders.

I feel your pain, DD is nearly 7 and pulls a lot of the same stuff...

Firstly, if you have a problem with her getting out of bed early, I don't think sending her to bed early is the answer!

Would a reward chart work, though? I was running round the house every morning yelling at DD because she would not bloody MOVE until we started a system where she gets a sticker for every morning she is ready for 8.20am without prompting; for 10 stickers she gets a prize/treat. It's going reasonably well.

Can she tell the time boilevard? I don't think my dd would know when 8.20 was!

No advice op but have these and

Totally feel your pain.

My dd is the same at 9. And has been since she was about 1

We go by the oven clock which is digital.

She can theoretically tell the time, but appears to often look at the analogue clock and decide it says what she wants it to, rather than the actual time

No you are not a dick, but you have produced a child who is rude, ill-mannered, spoilt and precocious. Her age has nothing to do with it; she has learned that she can reduce you to tears, and she doesn't care. She may love you, but she certainly doesn't respect you. Why on earth did you 'argue' about her loss of privileges; you are the adult, she has behaved badly, you set the rules, end of discussion. There are no flexible rules for a seven year old running towards a road; their bottomless need is to be kept safe, from themselves; love is showing them this, however hard.

Essiebee?? Wtf!

Er....ok then Essiebee

No advice sorry but you are not a dick. Sounds similar to my 7yr old DD, back-chatting and whining, always questioning me. She's kind of always been like it - she always answered me back or questioned my word. DD2 isnt like this. I don't know where I went wrong, or whether DD1 is just so naturally argumentative and actually needs and craves really, really strict rules. A bit like Esibee says.

I have started being more strict with DD1 but there aren't many 'punishments' that bother her. It doesnt upset her if I take away tv, toys, attention. She does adore reading, shes a bookworm but I'm reluctant to say 'you aren't allowed to read tonight'.

Actually, I think there is a real lack of respect in your DD putting her hand up and telling you to 'shush'. It's the kind of thing my DD does and it really upsets me

Agree totally about the hand in my face. It's not nice at all. Thanks for all your input

"It's the kind of thing my DD does and it really upsets me"

A child would not do that more than once to me. Who's in charge here?

"I'm shocked at how much I've let it get to me tonight."
Of course you've let it get to you! It's appalling behaviour and it "should" make you cross. So that you can call her on it and put a stop to it.

I just spent a day with my much adored nephew after not seeing him for a few months last week and was shocked at how obnoxious he was behaving. Usually he is brilliant company but he was acting like an angsty teen - must be the age!

I would disengage rather than the berating. (Easier said than done I appreciate!)

So tell DD she has 10 minutes to eat then get ready for X club. Then leave her to it. If she leaves the table then tell her to go back. Then say time to get ready for x club? time to leave. Chat to her on the way there as if nothing has happened. Stop chatting if she answers rudely. You may find she is on her way hungry and not in right clothes. She's bothered? Tell her to explain to teacher/ leader why - eg she chose to ignore you. When your chatting being really positive.

If your watching something and she's chatting decide whether it's chat about what your watching - in which case does it matter that she is? If it's not tell her to stop or it's going off. If she shushes you - off it goes and off you trot. It she continues off it goes and off you trot.

The disengaging only works if you make that real,effort to be (almost overly) positive and chatty when she's listening.

She'll soon get the message that people won't want to engage with her whist she's rude.

ask her where she is learning her bad manners, and why she thinks they are acceptable at home?

Wow Quote... Teach me your ways...

Out of interest how old are your children/visiting children? How young, in your experience, is too young to be so involved in helping with the chores like you describe?