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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to wonder why a 42 year old woman is texting my son?

79 replies

WheatleyDaze · 27/02/2014 11:26

Name changer here as my dc know my normal username.

I am quite prepared to be told that I am bring unreasonable, I genuinely just don't know.

Last week, my 23 year old son laughed out loud at a text he was reading. I asked who it was from and he said x from work. He's mentioned x a couple of times, and I know she's married with two young children. I 'casually' asked if it was to do with work and ds said that no, they just exchange texts sometimes, just chatting and joking really.

I don't know why, but I just feel a bit uncomfortable. I know my ds is an adult but he's also my boy and I can only think of one reason a woman my age would be texting a young man. I think she's probably getting some sort of excitement out of it. And I think ds is naive enough to not realise this.

So, am I just being PFB over ds who is fully entitled to text whoever he likes? Oh, I should add that if there is even a sliver of hope that I am not being unreasonable, then what should I do? Warn ds about the perils of middle-aged women trying to brighten up their lives by exchanging banter with young men? I feel like a horrible person even typing that. She may well be lovely.

OP posts:

Fusedog · 27/02/2014 15:45

Op I thought your son was 15 or something phew

livingzuid · 27/02/2014 15:47

Ah OP you sound lovely. And self aware. So many mothers mine included wade in where it isn't necessary. Good on you for not saying anything to him. Being so thoughtful on occasions like this can only strengthen your relationship with him and sometimes there is nothing like talking through a situation with your mum :)

aderynlas · 27/02/2014 15:49

Wheatly, dont worry. My dh is still his mams lovely boy and I think its great.

JingleMyBells · 27/02/2014 15:57

From your title I thought you were going to say he was 13, not 23. He is an adult and it's none of your business. YABU.

Original poster

WheatleyDaze · 27/02/2014 16:51

I think I better leave the thread now, as it's not nice to be called deranged, even my strangers on the internet.

On the whole though, this has been so helpful. It's made me realise how much I baby my son still, even though, as many of you have pointed out, he is a grown man. PFB is no excuse.

This afternoon, I wrote a list of everything that I do just for me. It was very short. I think I've been over-mothering to fill my time, really. Saves me looking at my own life in too much detail. That sounds really gloomy, but actually I feel very positive. I'm still (fairly) young and I need to start thinking about what I'm going to do with my life!

Odd? Possibly a little. I hope I'm not deranged though.

Thanks again. Can I stress again that I completely accept that I was being unreasonable. Some of you have been very gentle with me and I appreciate that. I feel sorry for ds's poor colleague. I hope her ears haven't been burning as I cast aspersions on her character!

OP posts:

NCISaddict · 27/02/2014 17:04

Of course you're not deranged, you've accepted, very gracefully, that you were BU. Our children are all still our babies we just can't let them know and have to step back and let them make their own mistakes. You sound lovely.

DidoTheDodo · 27/02/2014 17:05

I thought you wee going to say he is 11 or something.
I don't find anything odd in this texting at all.

LadyBeagleEyes · 27/02/2014 17:08

It's just people who CBA RTFT Wheatley.
This is one of my pet hates on MN when people pile in having only read the first post.
And you do sound like a lovely Mum, I haven't seen anything you've said in your posts to think you're babying him at all.

Goblinchild · 27/02/2014 17:08

Of course you are not deranged, and you have realised with good grace that it's time to move on in your relationship with him.
Welcome to the joys, trials and tribulations of parenting an adult!

springysofa · 27/02/2014 18:02

You sound lovely. Take no notice of the mean people.

SauceForTheGander · 27/02/2014 18:11

Wheatley you're being a mum - a good mum - in both acknowledging the potential pitfalls and then recognising these are your fears rather than reality.

You are not deranged.

Susyb30 · 27/02/2014 18:27

Totally agree with benjal..I too think you sound like a lovely person. .I have a son (only 4 tho!) But can relate to what you're saying. .I think he's lucky to have you as his mum. .and yes, while he's an adult..you can't help being a mum :-)

magoria · 27/02/2014 18:34

Well...

The phrase MILF came from somewhere

NinjaCow · 27/02/2014 18:51

I'm 21. There's a 39yo who works part time in the same shop, and we can text it each other stuff. We aren't friend friends, but acquaintances who know each other's humour. It's not regular or all the time, but it does happen and I don't think it's creepy.

KristinaM · 27/02/2014 20:23

You are not deranged. Lots of us with adult children worry about them a lot. Bad things can still happen to them and of course you want to protect him .

I bet most of the people saying you are " deranged " don't have adult kids. It's easy when yours are still children that you will be totally cool when they are in their twenties . It's not so easy , is it?

BumPotato · 27/02/2014 20:43

I'm that age and regularly exchange texts with a male colleague in his 20s that I get along with. I'm happily married with 2 young children. The texts are above board and jokey or newsy, never flirty.

One day in the office he was telling me that evening he was going to his ex's flat to pick up his belongings. I asked if he'd changed his FB status to single yet. The earlier conversation being that's when one knows it is properly over, when the ex changes their FB relationship status, and when the appropriate time to do it was. He told me he was changing his status after he'd collected his stuff. I said very well then, when I see that tonight I'll "like" it. This was also due to an earlier conversation, this time about inappropriate "likes" on sad statuses on FB...and also a shared droll sense of humour. Anyway he changed his status and when it came up on his newsfeed I liked it, as promised. His sister and mother apparently got the complete wrong end of the stick and came to the conclusion I was the reason for his new status. They had a small intervention with him and gave him a lecture about having affairs with married older women with kids. Nothing could be further from the truth, but I could see how they managed to get it wrong.

Charlie97 · 28/02/2014 03:56

I'm 49, young lad I worked with was 26, we often would send funny "office" related texts when we worked together. We still do now that he has been left over a year, the odd thing will happen in our office that we used to laugh at, that I will text him about and we will laugh. He will send the odd thing saying, I just told my new work colleagues that story about such and such and we will also laugh at that. No harm whatsoever!

Funnily enough, my dad always got on really well with youngsters at work. They used to get the apprentices to work with him a lot. When he died, so many young people at his funeral.

Not everything in life is sinister.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 28/02/2014 04:01

That is so true. And it can work in reverse as well. I often hear people with young children saying 'I will never allow my child to do xyz at 12/15/17 or whatever. But that's because they haven't yet experienced having a 12/15/17 year old, and when they do it will be a bit different.

When they try to imagine their future 15 yo to do something, they don't visualise that child having a fifteen year brain and 15 years worth of life experience, they can only imagine their 4 year old in a bigger body!

chrome100 · 28/02/2014 05:57

I am in a big circle of friends that ranges from 23-50ish. We all share a hobby, socialise together and enjoy each other's company. Age doesn't matter.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 28/02/2014 06:08

When I was similar I used to do this with a young male colleague.He used to call me "mum" and could ask advice etc.

StillSeekingSpike · 28/02/2014 06:17

You should also be proud that your son can be friends with people without prejudice about their age or gender- always a sign of a man with a strong female role model

LordPalmerston · 28/02/2014 06:20

Aw! Op! So funny. I thought he'd be like 12

cory · 28/02/2014 08:03

OP, that was a very gracious last post.

I think it is also worth remembering that texting is a normal way to maintain friendships and casual, polite social contacts these days.

In the olden days, writing a short note to a male would have been a perfectly polite and acceptable thing to do, not implying any kind of sexual relationship or interest.

My mother who is a very traditional 80-yo has kept up a correspondence of many years with a man in his 50's whom she met on a language course 20 years ago. Doesn't worry my father in the slightest: to his generation and in his circles, that is just normal social contact.

At the other end of the spectrum, my 17yo dd is forever being texted and facebooked and twittered by all sorts of different people; she must have hundreds of contacts. If I thought she was likely to engage in some kind of sexual contact with them all, I'd be worried about her being physically worn out before she reaches adulthood. And she is my dearly beloved dd of 17 of whom I feel very protective.

Come to think of it, I often get emails from male colleagues pointing out something funny or interesting. Several of them are married. I am quite sure they are not signalling any kind of interest.

TheTerribleBaroness · 28/02/2014 08:33

my 17yo dd is forever being texted and facebooked and twittered by all sorts of different people; she must have hundreds of contacts. If I thought she was likely to engage in some kind of sexual contact with them all, I'd be worried about her being physically worn out before she reaches adulthood

That has got to be one of the best things I've ever read on MN!

Famzilla · 28/02/2014 08:46

Haha, oh god you've worried me that PFB-ness carries on well into adulthood!

OP, if you're still reading this I'm a 24 year old woman. I'm also a wife, mother & nurse. Please stop infantilising your adult son, it has the potential to be a lot more damaging than a few harmless text messages between work colleagues.

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