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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad has informed everyone of DS confidential medical diagnosis in Xmas email. AIBU to be livid?

138 replies

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 27/02/2014 02:35

I have just found out via visiting mil that dad has written about DS dx of autism in his Christmas newsletter which we weren't sent a copy of.

He didn't ask permission.
He has not been any help or support.
The background -
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/a1734116-Post-Dx-grandparent-reaction-bingo-did-I-miss-any-Long
I've emailed
Dad

Mil has just mentioned that she received a copy of your Christmas newsletter and that you mentioned our child's confidential autism diagnosis in it.

Please can you send us a copy and let us know how many people this information has been shared with.

Many thanks
Trucks and Mr Trucks

Recipients number dozens, over 100 and include immediate family members we have chosen not to tell (yet, in some cases) and pretty much everyone who knows my family and has been close to us last 50 years.

WWYD?

DH is furious as am I.

OP posts:
ThreeBeeOneGee · 27/02/2014 07:23

Your father shouldn't have included this in his email.

But... you have known for ten months, which is a long window of opportunity to share your son's diagnosis in a way that you're happy with.

Please reconsider your plan to keep your son's diagnosis a secret. It is part of him. How is he going to feel when he finds out that you covered it up?

ThreeBeeOneGee · 27/02/2014 07:24

P.S. DS2 has ASD, so I do understand that it's difficult telling extended family and the reactions do vary.

mousmous · 27/02/2014 07:32

yab a bit unreasonable. but I understand that you are upset.

but maybe send in your christmas letter that your fathers prostate issues are successfully treated and his bowel condition is improving

DarlingGrace · 27/02/2014 07:37

Whats the big secret?

Whether you like it of not (not as it happens) your child has a diagnosis. It is family news. It is as newsworthy as saying Jim is doing well at swimming. Or Jane got is recovering from chickenpox.

I don;t see why you are making it a dirty little secret to be hidden away. Don;t you think the more people that know and understand about autism, the more empathetic they might be?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/02/2014 07:43

I would be slightly patient with him.

The diagnosis will affect him too.

Also it's not anything to be embarrassed about.

This is a raw time for you I know.

Bakingnovice · 27/02/2014 07:47

My parents often inadvertently blurt out stuff, I'm sure it wasn't meant in an underhand way.

sunshinemmum · 27/02/2014 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nennypops · 27/02/2014 07:55

Did you ask him to keep it confidential?

claig · 27/02/2014 07:58

YANBU

The trouble is it has now happened and can't be undone.

Your dad was stupid to do it and made a mistake. Old people and other people do do these silly things as they don't realise how you feel or think it is as serious as you see it.

Definitely have a word with him and tell him that you are livid and that he shouldn't have done it. Hopefully, he will learn from that not to do anything similar again. But there are stupid people around who blurt out secrets or confidential stuff or stuff that you would rather other people not know.

You can't undo it, so just have to accept that it is in the open. Most of the readers won't have noticed, but some may ask you questions about it now.

ArgyMargy · 27/02/2014 07:59

Well, you can't undo what he's done but in a way he may have done you a favour. You may find people offer help and support now that they know.

ViviPru · 27/02/2014 08:00

I think the OP is getting an unfairly hard time here. Nothing in her post suggests she sees this dx as a dirty little secret, top rather they are processing it and moving forward at their own pace. I'm also uncomfortable with the suggestion that EVERY parent of every non-NT child has some kind of responsibility to the wider non-NT community and beyond to share their diagnosis with the world. If they choose not to do so immediately, it doesn't necessarily mean they are ashamed.

For me, what is key to how you move forward from this in terms of how you handle your dad is understanding the context of how the information was divulged. If it was included with other proud-grandparent tidbits, went to visit Gdc, he's turning into quite a character - doing great with his swimming etc etc, was recently diagnosed with autism which doesn't appear to be holding him back blah blah then yes, you can put the positive twist on it in your mind as others have urged. I.e he's come to terms with it after his initial negative reaction and saved you the hassle of having to explain to wider family.

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel thoroughly peeved, OP.

peggyblackett · 27/02/2014 08:02

Be gentle with your Dad. I know you must be going through a tough time, but I doubt that the RR was sent with malice.

I agree with jimjams - dx are better out there and known about than not.

NearTheWindymill · 27/02/2014 08:02

Oh dear I am sorry you are going through this but it seems to me that your dad lives in a different country and therefore isn't on hand to provide a great deal of practical support. From reading your other thread I would also say that when he was first told, he was just floored and upset both for you and for your son because he was aware of the difficulties that might lie ahead. I also note that your first thread was written in April and your father sent out an e-mail at Christmas - 9 months after and when it is reasonable to expect that you might have come to terms with the diagnosis and might be telling people about it.

I don't really think your father has done anything wrong. He has stated a fact and I am sure your son's autism isn't best swept under the carpet or kept secret.

I think your reaction is actually your grief that your son has this diagnosis. I hope that you and he get the help you need. I also imagine your father is in his 60s and I recall in those days that autism tended to be diagnosed only in really severe cases and your father's view is probably not ill-informed as much as it is out of date. In those days I don't believe aspergers was even acknowledged.

Pick up the phone OP and talk to your dad - this is his way of accepting your son's illness and making sure he has put his stamp of this is how it is on it and I'm sure that he meant this as supportive. His grandson is a part of the family to be shared, whatever the diagnosis.

Two things are kept secret in my experiences, tremendous surprises and things one is ashamed of.

peggyblackett · 27/02/2014 08:03

And be gentle with yourself, it's a tough time Thanks

Aeroflotgirl · 27/02/2014 08:09

Yanbu at all, he should have checked with you

Bingbongbinglybunglyboo · 27/02/2014 08:10

Yanbu at all, is up to you who you tell stuff and when.

And there is a difference between telling parents, things not being a secret and things bring broadcast in a round robin to hundreds of people. Bit like face book I guess. Imagine if he had put it on face book to all your extended family, that would be seen as out of order without a doubt.

I feel for you, can't be undone now.
Maybe ask your dad how he would feel if his medical info was shared with everyone on your Facebook including all his family friends and acquaintances without him knowing.

RoaringTiger · 27/02/2014 08:10

I don't think yabu. My 6yo got a dx of autism two weeks ago, one of the first things I did once it had sunk in was make it clear to my mum that I don't expect her to go and tell all and sundry. Not because we are keeping it a secret-we've already bought a book we share with my daughter, have already started explaining in kiddie terms to our youngest; plan on asking the school to have a talk done to the school about autism to make it easier for her differences to be accepted there but I don't feel the need to tell every person we meet or cross paths with.

I have nothing to do with my extended family, none of them have even met my children or even seen me since I was a child myself so I see no reason for my mum to tell people whom she only speaks to once in a blue moon or (as has happened before) loads of random people who live near her who she speaks to when at shop.

Just to put it in perspective though of how ott my mum is at sharing around my information as if it is her own this is a lady who as soon as my second child was born, text my biological, alcoholic father who I have had no contact with since being a teenager to tell him he was a grandad (he's not, my stepdad-the man who brought me up is!).

HadABadDay2014 · 27/02/2014 08:10

It took me over a year to come to terms with my son Dx and a further 18 months of learning and reader aching going on a course to understand autism myself.

The last thing I wanted was everyone knowing, the reason is I wasn't mentally prepared to answer question people had. I also didn't want people treating him any different as change in people's behaviour is a trigger.

lljkk · 27/02/2014 08:12

It wouldn't bother me.

sharing that DC were arrested for shoplifting would be a problem. But something they have no control over & need support for? Nothing to be embarrassed over.

sunshinemmum · 27/02/2014 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ViviPru · 27/02/2014 08:19

Gah forgot to paste back in whole chunk of my post which should have read

"was recently diagnosed with autism, so it has been quite a challenging time recently for DD & Mr. Trucks. The condition doesn't appear to be holding him though back blah blah"

The shoplifting comparison is interesting. I liken this situation more to were it regarding homosexuality. It would be wrong to keep a granchilds' coming out a secret or feel ashamed, but equally it wouldn't be appropriate to treat it as a snippet of family news in a Christmas round robin unless you were asked to.

Pooka · 27/02/2014 08:21

It's a tricky one. While I can appreciate your irritation, only you will know if it was disclosed out of malice.

If your ds had been diagnosed with some other SEN I.e. He was found to be deaf for example (just as an example), would you have had the same reaction to the dissemination of the news, or is it because it relates to ASD?

I'm not saying that you're wrong to be irritated or cross if you had made it clear that it wasn't public knowledge. But I'm wondering whether the newness (relative) of the diagnosis means that you're not ready for it to be public knowledge.

Whocansay · 27/02/2014 08:27

I would be annoyed. And the fact he didn't send it to you suggests he knew he was doing something underhand. That said, there's nothing you can do about it apart from keep important information to yourself in future.

Suicidal5833 · 27/02/2014 08:32

Yanbu I have three dc one is severely autistic everyone knows I have no choice in that it's pretty hard to miss but my older child is being investigated for asbergers and ADHD and I have only told one or two people about him. My personal reasons are as he is milder than dd and very intelligent I don't want him to think there is something wrong with him as it will upset him and make him feel even more different. Secondly as his issues are not as evident and some ignorant bastards will say he doesn't have these he is just naughty rough e.t.c and I don't want to have to deal with that my third reason is there is just no reason for anyone else to know I've told the important people who care for him about his needs and how to manage them and that is all. I would be absolutely livid if someone I had told announced to the family about DS. It has nothing what so ever to do with being ashamed.

lionheart · 27/02/2014 09:08

I'm with Viv here. The Op hasn't suggested at any time an attitude of secrecy/shame/concealment. And perhaps she will take a whole school approach when she is ready.

I'd be livid too. The decision is yours to make.

Strange how he goes from 'You must never tell anyone' to this.

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