Dad has informed everyone of DS confidential medical diagnosis in Xmas email. AIBU to be livid?

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

I have just found out via visiting mil that dad has written about DS dx of autism in his Christmas newsletter which we weren't sent a copy of.

He didn't ask permission.
He has not been any help or support.
The background -
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/a1734116-Post-Dx-grandparent-reaction-bingo-did-I-miss-any-Long
I've emailed
Dad

Mil has just mentioned that she received a copy of your Christmas newsletter and that you mentioned our child's confidential autism diagnosis in it.

Please can you send us a copy and let us know how many people this information has been shared with.

Many thanks
Trucks and Mr Trucks

Recipients number dozens, over 100 and include immediate family members we have chosen not to tell (yet, in some cases) and pretty much everyone who knows my family and has been close to us last 50 years.

WWYD?

DH is furious as am I.

[Beastofburden]

The OP feels entirely comfortable coming onto MN and sharing with unlimited strangers not only the diagnosis but also what she thinks about her parents and their (probably innocent) mistakes. That's because she feels comfortable with it, it's anonymous, she has deciedd to do it, etc.

But I bet that if you asked her dad, is it OK for me to share how crap you are being with Mumsnet, it's a public forum on the internet, probably there are people you know who are on it, he would be . He would see it as a massive invasion of his privacy, to have his family upsets discussed on a public forum.

That letter sounded like him trying to be supportive to them, saying what a great job they are doing, saying that their GC is much loved with or without a disability, as opposed to pretending it never happened. And the letter is his equivalent of MN. It's not anonymous, but neither is it sent to people she sees every day. I am prepared to bet he sees it in much the same way as the OP sees MN.

[Bunbaker]

Excellent post Beast

[TillyTellTale]

Bunbaker the crux of your argument seems to be that you think it's common for people to over-share other people's private business in round robins. Maybe so. Do two wrongs make a right now?

beastofburden
The OP's father broadcast some medical information about an identified individual. Do people get even support for round-robin announcements? I know some people respond to previous Christmas cards in their own card a year later. It seems of far less practical support value than Mumsnet. If he'd been making phone calls to close friends about what he should do, that would sound more like Mumsnet.

The OP has told some other people anonymously what her father felt free to send out and broadcast. Let me repeat that: she's posted a short extract, shorn of majorly identifying details, from the same thing he felt free to send out to over 100 people. And then she's posted how she feels about that and asked for advice.

It's a bad comparison. Anyone who identifies him on here will most likely do so, because they recognise the round-robin. In which case they will find out that his daughter doesn't like his over-sharing. Big whoop.

If he comes on here and is offended that she told other people that he
A) did something
B) it upset her
then we will see that he is an All About Me drama-queen, as people on the thread already suspected.

[rumbleinthrjungle]

Completely get why you're not happy Trucks, I'd be furious too. Of course it's personal information, and it was not his information to share.

Have a and

[Bunbaker]

It is only my experience. This Christmas the round Robins from family members were full of woe with family health problems.

When DD had medical problems as a baby MIL told the family. I would have expected her to because DD is her grandchild. It is usual for grandparents to talk about their grandchildren - the good and the bad. If the OP didn't want this information sharing she should have told her father not to.

[Mignonette]

I agree that it was your news to disclose as you see fit.

i don't think what he wrote was offensive or belittling or minimising. I think he speaks well of you and how you are doing your best for your son.

The idea of a round robin email at Christmas is what makes my eyebrows shoot up- surely if people are friends they know the stuff that goes on?

[Bunbaker]

"surely if people are friends they know the stuff that goes on?"

In our case it is family members who live hundreds of miles away that keep us up to date. We aren't on the phone to them every week so we generally catch up at Christmas.

I love my cousin dearly, and do keep in touch fairly regularly, but I don't know every detail of her daily life. We live in the north of England and she lives in Cornwall so we don't meet up very often.

[TillyTellTale]

A round robin is for people you're not close enough to talk to on the phone. But sometimes, like people on facebook, people forget how many people they haven't seen for years are on their list, while they're typing their message.

Over the years, I would say that by and large, we see light, factual information, such as house moves, renovations, new babies, and personal health complaints, such as arthritis. Occasionally, there's one that makes my eyebrows shoot right up, as I wonder, "does your daughter know you've written about her divorce/2.2 from university like this?"

[LaydeeC]

Yes, yes to everything that Caitlyn has said
My son has Aspergers - his difficulties, although perhaps less obvious at first glance, are no less difficult for him
There is no such thing as 'mild' or 'slight' autism.

[PerfectlySculpturedHaHa]

First of all, I don't think he should have shared the information without checking with you.

That said, I don't see anything awful in how he did it, once he'd made the mistake of thinking it was OK to do so. He may well have been minimising, but if so it was probably nothing to do with how he actually sees your son and his autism, and a lot more to do with him forestalling any imagined reactions of shocked pity to the word 'autism' from the (possibly very ill informed) people he was telling.

I've minimised my own problems (in unrelated areas) in casual social contexts in exactly this way - I think I do it partly to limit the embarrassment of the other person feeling shocked or sorry for me. So I get the key fact out there, sandwich it between a couple of lighter more positive statements, speak cheerfully and acceptingly of it, and move the conversation swiftly on. No disaster with a capital D; OK, maybe quite a significant fact that I don't wish to keep secret as such, but really everything's fine (and the real detail, the good and bad days, the worries and hopes for the future - those are what's private). I'm not ashamed of or in denial of the things I'm talking about, just adjusting how I present them according to my audience.

I suspect your dad's way of phrasing things it may be a lot more like that than him actually thinking your son's autism is somehow slighter than it actually is. Obviously it would have been better still if he had adjusted his phrasing to the extent of not mentioning the autism at all without checking you were happy with it.

[OpalQuartz]

I think the email was ok, unless you had told him that you did not want him to tell people about your son's diagnosis.

[2rebecca]

I think it's common courtesy not to discuss other people's health problems in most circumstances, especially as casual gossip in a round robin. If he wants to discuss his own health problems fine, but he should get permission before discussing anyone else's health, child or adult. That isn't his "news" to discuss. I'd be phoning him about it not emailing him though and asking him to just discuss his health and news in future xmas letters.
I don't think autism should be kept a secret but I don't think it's the sort of thing you put in a chatty xmas email with numerous recipients, especially when you are neither the person with autism or their parent.

[TillyTellTale]

I have no opinion on his phrasing, because you can read that several ways, depending on who's saying it. From some grandparents, that phrasing would mean, "I love my wonderful grandson and although I accept his difficulties, I am impressed by everything he can do and focus on that. With help and support, I think he will have a fulfilled independent life. If you dare say anything nasty and disablist about him, I will shove a biscuit in your gob".

From others, it would mean, "although I profess to know he has autism, I refuse to understand this, and I make every visit to my son/daughter and his/her spouse hell through this, as I refuse to make any concessions for my grandchild. When they attempt to explain things, I call them precious and say he's only slightly autistic and tell them to stop indulging it."

It really does depend on who's saying it!