inspired by another thread.... SAHP/WOHP division of housework & childcare

[42andcounting]

So, inspired by another thread.... if the employed parent is away five days out of seven (ie home at weekends only) and the SAHP does all childcare for a small baby during that time, what would you consider a reasonable split of housework overall, and childcare at weekends. Thought I'd take it to a new thread as the other was really about frequency of sex

I agree that the determining principle should not be how much each works, but how much leisure time each gets.

At the moment, I'm the main earner and working 56 hours a week, while DH is doing very minimal paid employment. He is, though, finishing a higher degree, so has responsibilities associated with that. We also each have different levels of responsibility towards the kids in our blended family. I don't think his responsibilities are less important or valuable because they are unpaid, but I do expect him to take on the same overall work/life balance as I have myself.

And 'outsourcing' from the working person's wages isn't right, either, if it means that the SAHP is essentially 'buying out' of doing their fair share, and using household money to do so. I'd be pretty pissed off if DH started hiring a cleaner while I was at work so that he could have more free time. That's not on.

I think these are 2 different issues.

Housework depends on agreed standards and how easy it is to fit around your particular children. Realistically, it will usually be more efficient for the SAHP to do more housework. Both partners should be aware of how much time is available and jobs like cleaning the silver may have to be shared/out sourced/ ignored.

On the other hand, if you are away from home for much of the week, its reasonable to expect to spend quite a bit of time with your children at the weekend for no other reason than you haven't seen them all week.

People seem to be replying pretty generally rather than explicitly acknowledging the OPs background situation where the DP isn't just not at home during the daytime during the week but is away completely & only home weekends.

I'm obviously a bit biased as we usually do have that sort of set up & a 10 month old PFB who hasn't seemed to be the easiest baby in the world...

I do the housework that I can during the week to keep things ticking over but often the deeper cleaning is needed at weekends - I have higher standards & he often needs so much nagging reminding it's easier to hand baby over to him & do it myself.

He probably spends more 1:1 time with PFB at weekends than I do & does most of any night waking too. This is what I expect, to be honest, he misses PFB so wants to & also concedes although he works long hours during the week I am on baby duty the whole time by myself during the week - especially early days two people around seems to make things less than half as hard!

Neither of us are getting a whole amount of 'leisure time' at the moment...

When I go back to work & am on work + baby duty I expect him to step up housework at the weekend or to agree to 'outsourcing' it - suspect latter is more likely! When I drop to 4 day week will be interesting - need to have the conversation about whether non working day gets to be my 'leisure time' for all the juggling around I'll be doing midweek & weekend childcare split evenly!

MorganLeFey you're right.

I certainly wasn't specific but my hubby is often away all week, sometimes substantially longer.

There was a brief period during which he deemed weekends purely as 'his down time' but he was soon retrained.

I thnk it depends how much sleep the sahp is getting! with a young baby who is waking at night or if you are pregnant, you may need to rest whenever you can. I am off work at home with toddler 3 days a week but to be honest I struggle to get more done than washing clothes/ keeping the place half tidy - stuff like mopping/ proper cleaning, I really need my partner to help with. Otherwise i would never ever sit down and I would be really tired and stressed. He tidies every night before bed, while I go to bed early - but maybe I got a good one! I am not naturally tidy and could not handle having to keep a house spotless while also entertain a toddler - I like being out most of the day with my son - which is good for us both.

*The H is in home for a reason. It is the SAHP task to beep the ship running (large DIY chore excepted of course).

Only in the world of Mumsnet is the SAHP having a complete hissy, having spent the day at baby ballet and coffee mornings, to expect her highly professional works 14 hours a day DH to come home and peel the blood y spuds and wave the bog brush round.*

Love this

Thanks all (well nearly all) for some considered discussion, which is what I was hoping for. Thanks also Morgan for the post referring to the specific situation of being away monday to friday.

I'm not sure if I'm amused or annoyed at being accused of having a 'complete hissy', as my post quite clearly was just asking for opinions. Perhaps some people are not so good at reading comprehension. In fact, I wasn't actually wanting my DP to... I think it was "peel spuds and wave a bog brush around after me poncing around at baby ballet"... he is a sweetheart and will happily do anything I ask (except not make a mess, and thats another story ). The thing is, I just never ask, but I do tend to hand DD over to him while I do jobs, because I think its good for them to spend time together.... and then I worry that I'm doing it too much. In my defence, DD doesn't sleep through, will not nap in the day except on my knee or in a moving pram, and won't settle in bed before 10.30 / 11pm, so there are normally a few jobs that I need to do at the weekend. She's getting better at amusing herself for 10 mins while I dash round doing jobs in the week, and I'm hoping that when she's big enough to sit up she will be even better and will be able to sit and play in the room while I'm doing stuff.

Anyway, thanks all, appreciate the replies

Whoever is at home should get on with what needs doing, whether they work or not. But if you don't work that puts you in the position of being the one at home far more often. If I'd just done a 12 hour day to pay the bills so my OH could stay at home I would like to think there would at least be some dinner ready and clean clothes for the morning. If DH has a day off and i don't I expect him to take care of things, get the DC and me some food ready etc. if its the other way round i do those things. That's not being abusive or demanding, that's realistic.