inspired by another thread.... SAHP/WOHP division of housework & childcare

[42andcounting]

So, inspired by another thread.... if the employed parent is away five days out of seven (ie home at weekends only) and the SAHP does all childcare for a small baby during that time, what would you consider a reasonable split of housework overall, and childcare at weekends. Thought I'd take it to a new thread as the other was really about frequency of sex

The vast majority of housework should be done by the SAHP, with maybe the things like taking the bins out done by the other parent.

At weekends the WOHP should get time to be with the baby while the other has a bit if a break, with time being spent as a family all together as well.

When I was a SAHP the vast majority of the housework was done during the week while my DP was at work so there was very little to do at the weekends except cooking and the general tidying/cleaning that happened as you go along.

I work P/T and DH does F/T. I tend to do more housework because I am in the house more, but when we are both home we split childcare, housework and rest time between us. So one of willow put the toddler to bed while the morning other cleans the kitchen after dinner or goes to do the food shopping etc. It's not about having a totally 50/50 split of 'work' it's about both of us who being adults and doing what needs doing at home. We both have days where we are more tired than usually or feel grotty but we're a partnership and look after each other.

My phone just add random words. Willow? Morning?

I do all the housework that needs doing while DH is at work. When he is at home, I expect him to do 50% of what needs doing.

In reality, I do dishes in the morning because it's convenient while I make tea and breakfast. I put laundry in when I realise the DC have run out of clean clothes. I tidy some. Not a lot.

DH will do dishes and laundry if he notices they need doing. He is less fussed about dealing with the mess than I am, but if it bothers him, he will tidy. He cooks half the time when he's around. He does bedtime 6/7 nights. When the DC were very little and I was not coping, he did everything in addition to going to work and paying the bills (DH is lovely).

Our house isn't a sparkling tidy showroom but anyone who thinks it should be is welcome to clean it.

I am mainly a SAHP (work very part time from home). I wash mine and the dcs clothes, hoover downstairs, do the beds and towels, dust and do a general tidy and clean after our meals during day. Dh work 9-5 mon-fri and washes his own clothes, cooks dinner and cleans up after, hoovers upstairs and cleans the bathroom. Given that DD is incredibly clingy, will only nap in my arms and co sleeps I think that's fair. In fact I think DH gets off lightly.

SAHP should do as much housework as is possible during the week, which should be majority unless nightmare/non-sleeping baby.

At weekends jobs should be split between you. Though I'd argue that DH should perhaps focus on mainly childcaring to allow him to spend more time with his child, rather than doing the washing up.

I also think it depends a bit what the DH's job is like when he is away from home. If he's working long days and then holed up in a miserable hotel where he knows no one, it's a bit different to working "normal" days and having time to socialise with friends/colleagues when he's there.

I'd definitely expect a childminder to do housework while looking after a child - preparing food, clearing away after meals, keeping play areas clean and tidy (with appropriate help from toddler age children upwards), wiping down bathroom after accidents etc are all things that absolutely have to be done with children there - basically a lot of the day to day stuff that I'd expect a SAHP to do.

When I was on maternity leave I would ensure the dishwasher went on, and kept on top of the washing. DH has always done the cooking so I didn't do that. I kept the house reasonably tidy, but overall my day job was looking after the DCs not housework. It was some time ago though so maternity leave was shorter, and I went back to work when DC1 was 6 months (as was normal then).

I'd say in your case the SAHP should keep on top of the general housework in the week (assuming the baby is sleeping reasonably). If the SAHP is up all night with a baby, or has a baby that doesn't nap then frankly the housework can get lost, and it will have to be done at weekends. The parent who is working away presumably has time to eat lunch in peace, go to the loo on their own etc. all of which may be completely impossible for the SAHP.

At the weekends, I think housework and childcare should be split 50/50.

Perhaps the answer is that couples should work together to find a balance, recognizing the stresses each one of them face (and that these can vary from day to day) and some to a decision on who does what based on neither one of them taking the piss and expecting to have a maid.

Also I think the idea that times when the child is napping or playing counts as leisure time is ridiculous unless the same thing applies to the other parent.

As a SAHP I do most of the housework during the week. However I think the WOHP needs to have an appreciation of just how much there is and what can make things more difficult eg leaving clutter around for the other to move before cleaning.

Tbh is is never all done. Some things need to be done at the weekend - which we share, however DH usually takes care of the bulk of cooking (at the weekend) and dishwasher. I think this is good because our DC see both of us cook and clean and it also means DH gets an appreciation of what I do during the week. We also get different meals to what I would cook.

My DF can cook and clean but doesn't very often at all and tbh I think he probably never thinks about it.

I think there should always be a sense that the housework is a shared responsibility. The WOTH partner should definitely show willing and make a contribution.
It doesn't have to be 50/50 but they should work out together something that works for everyone and that both are happy with.
The WOTH partner should basically step up and do what's needed.

I think it's unhealthy to assume the SAHP will do it all. It's much better if that person can be free'd up a bit to see their role as contributing to most of the day time child raising, plus other projects of interest to them and benefit to the family and the community.

I don't follow the example of the childminder above. I have separate expectations for paid childcare vs looking after my own children - i.e. it's fine for me to let my kids watch TV but I wouldn't be crazy about a nanny plopping the kids in front of the TV because of a hangover (something I've been known to do).

SAPH should do the majority of the housework. Weekends it should be divided. If you have toddlers i.e. you're in that phase where you can't take your eyes of your child for a moment then heavy cleaning should take place over the weekend in turns.

As a SAHP I do 98% of the housework.
DH does the pots once or twice on weekdays and usually on weekends but only after dinner not breakfast or lunch. He hoovers the front room very occasionally. He cleans the toilet after himself and keeps his side of the bedroom tidy much tidier than my side.
He will happily take the DC out at the weekends or be in charge if I want time to myself. We have alternate lie ins on a Sunday and he will do nappies, breakfasts, dressing DC etc at the weekend too.

I really wish he would cook once a week on a Saturday or Sunday but if I want a night off cooking we get a take away.

SAHM should ideally (IMO) do majority if possible on days WOHP is at work, the hours/days they aren't working it should be 50/50 with childcare and housework ( maybe WOHP spending a bit more time with baby than doing housework, but not SAHM doing all childcare AND housework.)

My DP complained last night as I handed him 5 week old dd for 2 nappy changes in a row. He has her max 2 hours a night- I do nappy changes the other 22. Plus I was breadtfeeding her in between the two changes.

I do all the housework I can. I literally was doing it every spare minute I had between 7am and 7pm when she starts to cluster feed til midnight-ish. Every time she dozed off for even 3 minutes I was attending to something. I had to go out ( with baby) on DPs day off. I came back 6 hours later to bed unmade, dirty dishes lying around etc and I actually broke down in tears. All the wee jobs that could be done in half an hour and I get them done with baby on hip or rush them in nap time the rest of the week, but he had 6 hours free and all he did was watch tv/play video games. It stresses me out to try to get it all done, so since then, I've not tried as hard to get the stuff done.

I have a 2,3 and soon to be newborn.

I'm exhausted and to be honest tidying with toddlers around doesn't happen. SO work gets split when dh comes home and they are in bed.

My children are my "job" I'm not a house wife or a cleaner. They run me fairly ragged and I don't see why if I was at my old job where I sat on my ass all day I should have to do less housework.

Yeah, my standards have lowered considerably since having DC in terms of housework.

I'm obsessively tidy/clean and my house was a disaster when my kids were toddlers. They're shocking.

Totally agree with the equal free time thing. I am the working parent and DH is the SAHP. I am happy to do the washing up etc. on days when he hasn't had a moment free all day but I get the rage when I have to do cleaning when DD has been at nursery two mornings of the week.

Toddlers are --gross- lovely little people

Agree that while having one new baby if the SAHP is up all night doing feeds etc, that any time in the day without baby should constitute parent nap time.

icebeing mine don't go to nursery, but even if they went in the monrings..they'd have wrecked the place about 10 seconds after they got home. Are you sure dh isn't doing less obvious cleaning during that time?

Would agree with those saying it should be predominantly the SAHP during the week and then a more equal split at weekend-but as someone says there are huge variables in what the WOHP's job is and what the baby is like!

I am a SAHP of three (one school age, one preschool and a baby) and my DH works long hours, by which I mean he leaves by 7.15, is rarely home much before 8pm, and is usually on conference calls from home at least a couple of evenings per week. So it makes sense that during the week I do all of it, apart from our evening meal (DH is home far too late to eat with or do anything else with the children, it's a good night if he gets home in time to read to the oldest) where I cook and DH does the washing up. Given the hours he works (and the fact that I have only one child at home in the mornings and can easily manage housework around him) this seems to us to be the only sensible way to do it during the week.

At weekends there is more of an equal split with childcare is an equal spilt at weekends, as is food shopping and family meal preparation. Very little leisure time for either of us till they've gone to bed to be honest but that's the joy of having three!!

dietcokeandwine. What a stellar username.

for Bluecarrot. Prime example there of unfair division of labour.

Essentially it has to be whatever works for you as a couple. We have 4 biters so there were periods when housework required a tardis and sonic screwdriver in order to have it done by hubby hometime. I have, from time to time, had to employ shock tactics over the years (mainly when the biters were small and he didn't understand how utterly draining it can be) but we talked, argued and occasionally tantrumed our way to a regime that works for us.

It's fair to say that now as a SAHM I do do pretty much all the mundane stuff but he doesn't often sit about doing nothing if there's something to be done, heavy week at work or not. He lives here too, he's a perfectly capable adult and besides it sets a good example to both the male AND female biters of how a partnership works.

First, we have a cleaner purely so as not to get into this argument or have either of us feeling taken for granted.

Second, as a sahm I make sure I clean up all the mess I have created in the day, I don't have to sort DHs work out for him when he gets home so he shouldn't have to do mine. This includes 90% of things for ds like cooking, clothes, cleaning up leftovers, toys, arranging activities etc.

For DH and I, I tell him what needs to be done and he happily does it we share most of what the cleaner doesn't do. He doesn't expect me to clean up after him and I don't expect him to clean up after me. Where I have time in the day I stick on an extra load of washing etc or maybe make dinner early, but DH is quite happy to help with this in evening or on weekend when I haven't had time. There is never really a lot to do as I stay on top of it by doing little and often.

On weekends he does at least half the childcare because he hasn't seen ds all week and wants to spend time with him.

How do you have time to do all it yourself in the day?

Yesterday dh was working from home looking after children. His day was roughly:
6am-9am he worked
9am kids woke. 9-2 he sorted them, took to local museum, and out on bikes
2-4 kids napped. He worked.
4-6.30pm he prepped dinner, read to kids, built a den, put some washing on
6.30-7.30 I was home and we all went swimming
7.30-9pm we all ate, had baths, played board game, kids to bed.
9pm-11pm dh worked. I worked an hour, then did a quick tidy around

Today will be the same roughly, except I will be working/ looking after kids/ balancing life from home

If I come home and the floor is littered with toys, kitchen still has baking things out, and all sitting on sofa reading, then I see it as a good day. I would never judge dh if he hasn't got around to doing something. The house will be tidy between us before bed