Problem with Headmaster at school

[MrsBlessed1]

Hello everyone.

I left my partner after suffering 3 years of abuse. I have two daughters (one by him). During the time we were togther, I invested my life savings in his business to the tune of £25,000. After the break up, I picked myself up, dusted myself down and got on with it. I used to run his business and when I finished the relationship (after another incident of violence towards me), he made a malicious call to DWP and HMRC and informed them I was making a fraudulent claim as i had no children and did not work.

(When I started working for him I naturally declared this to HMRC as I was working part time but he never paid me -part of his control. Result? You guessed it, they stopped ALL of my money. I spent a dire Christmas after using my meagre savings I had to pay of my eldest daughters school fees as it even stopped the cheque for that).

I notified the school as to what had happened. I had to get myself into gear asap, as I had to get a job and fast. I started my own company but after carrying out work and having to wait longer than usual to get paid, I managed to acquire alternative employment.

My Landlords were brilliant. They put my rent account on hold and even assisted me with trying to see what other benefits (if any) I could be entitled to. They referred to a Domestic Violence Support Service.

My problem is this. My partner agreed to pay the school fees (I pointed out I didn't need that, just needed my pay so I could do my own thing).
I signed the Parent agreement and paid the deposit. I explained to the school at length as to what had happened and provided them with letters from the Police (confirming I was at risk of further harm or even death), Social Services, the DV agency Supporting me and my Landlords who have referred me for alternative housing.

I am two months behind on fees. They have now interrupted my daughters schooling as of this week. The Headmaster calls me yesterday after I sent him another letter explaining my mitigating circs and explaining that I am now in work PAYE and no longer self employed. I was very emotional and upset as he appeared not to understand what myself and the children has suffered. I explained to him that whilst it did not absolve one from paying the fees (I didn't ask for that), I simply could not lay my hands on any money to pay off the arrears but going forward, would pay my fees weekly so that the current month would be in credit.

He started shouting that I had received "free education" and "what went on in my house was of no concern of his". I dropped the phone in shock and horror and burst into tears. Think the shock of what I have been going through is only now, hitting me.

So phone rings again and Bursar is ringing to "see what can be done as they have to think of the interest of the child". Well, according to the HM you don't care about my child.

A friend was in a similar situation a while back and suggested as my daughter will be there until 11, offer payment arrangement on the o/s fees of £50.00 a month plus current fees.

Feeling sick and wretched. Ex claims he is not in a position to pay back money I loaned to him-daughter at school-I know I should report HM but cannot until I can sort some sort of payment. Any advice please?

No no. He did it out of "anger". His precise words. He has also apparently since rang the departments concerned and confessed.

She only started in September and fees were paid upfront which he paid.

Salary would have come to more than the fees so yes, he could have just paid me the difference....

9

I would be looking at good state schools in the area if I were you.
You said yourself he is using this to force you back to him, which if you were in fear of your life is something you would avoid at all costs.
Some state schools are better than others, (I'm sure the same goes for private schools too) it is about getting to know what a school can offer your child.
My DD goes to a fantastic state school and is working a school year above her target, and that is across the board - English, Maths, Science etc. That is because the school is a good fit for her, they cater well to her learning style and are happy to push her to achieve.
My friend got 9 A* at GCSE from a state school education.
Just because you had a bad experience at one school does not mean your child will not flourish at another. Ask around and see what schools teach in a way your child would most benefit from. Then move her.
£1000 a month is a huge amount to fund on one wage. It could be put away for so many other things you and both your children may need.

Where does your other child go to school?

Yes. I had been planning and researching my business ( was in the same field as my exes). Since I ran his business, it was nothing new as I already had contacts and staff who I had worked with previously. Just unfortunate that I was really missed about when it came to getting paid by the company I did the job for. 28 days turned into "should be next week. When they did pay it was the incorrect amount and so on. Could have cleared the o's fees. Didn't want to waste time and energy and by the grace of God, got a position in the same industry, again running the office and various sites.

It will be horrible removing your daughter from private school. But you'll be making a rod for your own back if you don't. I can't see that you can guarantee keeping up with weekly extra payments + fees, and the school may very well feel you wont be able to do this either. There are some very good state schools out there, do some research. & there are loads of Mumsnetters here who will have advice and good inside knowledge about schools

The Headmaster's attitude was totally unreasonable. Sorry to hear he was so rude and, hopefully the Bursar will be a lot more understanding. When it comes down to it though, the school IS a business and you can't force them to take your circumstances and offered payment plan into account. Theyve probably heard and had to deal with loads of horror stories over the years. Sadly, at times people don't behave/take into account what we believe they should..'should' can be a very loaded word, as can 'but'...

Hello I just wanted to say what a horrid situation,

I think whilst we can appreciate its a business as a human being talking to someone who has suffered DV, and is struggling I think the heads attitude is beyond horrific.

I think keeping continuity of some sort in your DD life is a good idea, she must have had lots of trauma and up heavel recently plucking her into state school may not be the best idea right now.
However the heads attitude would put me off the school, it was totally un professional.

I don't know what to suggest but just wanted to say I think your being very admiral keeping it all together after such a horrid time.

Sorry guys now home and getting girls ready for bed! Excuse my absence for now but thank you all very much for your opinions. In the meantime I am based in the NW2 area so if any has recommendations on state schools it would be much appreciated.

Thank you. Ironic really - used to work in Homeless Prevention and had a good few case load of clients who were referred from the women's shelters. What I went through is nothing compared to some of the ladies I had the privilege to help, trust me@

From what you write, it appears that you have kept the school (very) informed of your financial circumstances, but nowhere is there an agreement with them to let you off indefinitely with the two months' unpaid fees, nor any arrangement on your part to pay this.

That seems to be the problem. I think you have assumed they will let you off indefinatley with this when that's not the case. I suspect there are quite a few non-payers, all with very good reasons, and all with children whose education may suffer, but at the end of the day, the fees have to be paid.

Cut your losses, prioritise paying your debts and consider sending your children to state school.

Whether Or Not you can afford it is irrelevant .
Do you really want your daughters education to be captained by this man?

Waltons makes a very valid point. If you get yourself stuck in the position that your dd's whole education hangs on money supplied by your abusive and manipulative ex, then you are putting not only yourself but her as well in a position of dependency that will last until she is an adult. Think about how many ways a man like that could find to make life a misery for a teenager halfway through her exams.

The only way to avoid this is to take his instrument of power away by finding a way of being independent of his money. And I really do think the only way is going to be to find a good state school.

It is an awful shame that your dd had such a bad experience, but if you stop to think about it that can't be indicative of the majority of the country: most state educated people can actually read and write. With a bit of looking around you should be able to find something that you can feel good about and then you can put both money-wielding ex and unsympathetic HM behind you.

It's the Head! Some of them are appalling. When my daughter was 6 she was being touched inappropriately by a peripatetic member of staff named Eddie. I went to the Head and she nodded and made soothing noises and took some notes - then after the Christmas holidays I returned to find her very frosty with me and she looked down her nose at me and said "Poor Eddie feels that he can't return to work after what you said." HE WAS TOUCHING MY DAUGHTER IN A WAY NO ONE SHOULD, EVER. She was ghastly and left soon after.
There is absolutely no way that he should have spoken to you like that. I agree with PP - put a complaint in the board of governors. Regardless of whether or not you are able to afford the fees he should not have spoken to you like that. I think you're doing jolly well to be keeping on top of things. My DC go to an admittedly outrageously expensive prep school and no-one I know can afford it easily. We are all making cuts and sacrifices for their education. That said, if I had a decent state school around me I wouldn't hesitate to use it.
I really feel for you, you didn't deserve that. If he tries it again just say "I do not expect to be spoken to like that." Might take the wind out of his sails.

BritishGal - if your dd was being touched inappropriately, why didn't you go to the police?

This thread is getting crazier...

What did the police say when you made your complaint to them, BritishGal?

I would take my child out of any school where the HT spoke to me like that!!!

My mother was instrumental getting the law change so that no married couple could borrow money with just one persons signiture .She was left with huge debts my father ran up in both their names . Despite her warning all the banks within their locality .
My father drove flash cars;owned a race horse and jollied around with the local gentry .Meanwhile we had bugger all to eat. Forget the bloody goat crap .
My mum worked around the clock doing anything she could - seasonal picking ;cleaning;sewing;baking ;bar work . She wanted us to be independent of the low life scum .There were no benefits then . Or she was to proud to take them .
My point is ? I dunno really ! This thread is just winding me up a bit . Can't afford the school fees seems like such trite really .
Sorry .

Well a private school is a luxury and sounds like as a single parent is a luxury you can't afford so best to stop begging / asking school to forgive last payments and move to a state school like 90% of kids in this country.

The point is that fee paying schools are a business and if you don't pay the fees you won't be entitled to the education. Maybe some schools are sympathetic but would you really want your child to carry on at this school after this unpleasantness. I don't think I would. There are a lot of very good state schools.

You know, I didn't go to the police. Shall I describe exactly what happened? They were doing an after school sport activity and if they got something wrong the teacher would pretend to break an egg over their head, and run his hands down from the top of their head, over their neck, shoulders, abdomen and waist - down to their bottom. Nothing else ever happened but I firmly believe they were being groomed. I thought I was doing the safe thing by telling the school, but there's such a culture of silence sometimes that you actually aren't helping.

Vivienne - the school my DD attended when she was young took pity on a mother who had 4 children and couldn't afford the fees - they took £50/term for the eldest and nothing for the rest. Outrageous. [shocked]

Or rather, lol :)

Britishgal you should have taken the matter further because now this guy is probably working with other children in other school....

Why would you want to spend a huge sum of money on sending your dd to a school run by someone like that?? I wouldn't send a child there if you paid ME!

What on earth is wrong with state schools... Free and heads who realise their responsibility is to the child, not the cash flow...

after 12 months in the state school, she left not being able to read or write properly despite being top of the class when she first started.

What happened? Did she forget how to read and write because of state school influence? I went to a state school and so do my children, we can all read and write. I know I'm knit-picking but the above sounds like rubbish to me. If you can't afford the fees do what the rest of us do and send your children to a state school. It really is that simple.