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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Problem with Headmaster at school

88 replies

MrsBlessed1 · 26/02/2014 14:45

Hello everyone.

I left my partner after suffering 3 years of abuse. I have two daughters (one by him). During the time we were togther, I invested my life savings in his business to the tune of £25,000. After the break up, I picked myself up, dusted myself down and got on with it. I used to run his business and when I finished the relationship (after another incident of violence towards me), he made a malicious call to DWP and HMRC and informed them I was making a fraudulent claim as i had no children and did not work.

(When I started working for him I naturally declared this to HMRC as I was working part time but he never paid me -part of his control. Result? You guessed it, they stopped ALL of my money. I spent a dire Christmas after using my meagre savings I had to pay of my eldest daughters school fees as it even stopped the cheque for that).

I notified the school as to what had happened. I had to get myself into gear asap, as I had to get a job and fast. I started my own company but after carrying out work and having to wait longer than usual to get paid, I managed to acquire alternative employment.

My Landlords were brilliant. They put my rent account on hold and even assisted me with trying to see what other benefits (if any) I could be entitled to. They referred to a Domestic Violence Support Service.

My problem is this. My partner agreed to pay the school fees (I pointed out I didn't need that, just needed my pay so I could do my own thing).
I signed the Parent agreement and paid the deposit. I explained to the school at length as to what had happened and provided them with letters from the Police (confirming I was at risk of further harm or even death), Social Services, the DV agency Supporting me and my Landlords who have referred me for alternative housing.

I am two months behind on fees. They have now interrupted my daughters schooling as of this week. The Headmaster calls me yesterday after I sent him another letter explaining my mitigating circs and explaining that I am now in work PAYE and no longer self employed. I was very emotional and upset as he appeared not to understand what myself and the children has suffered. I explained to him that whilst it did not absolve one from paying the fees (I didn't ask for that), I simply could not lay my hands on any money to pay off the arrears but going forward, would pay my fees weekly so that the current month would be in credit.

He started shouting that I had received "free education" and "what went on in my house was of no concern of his". I dropped the phone in shock and horror and burst into tears. Think the shock of what I have been going through is only now, hitting me.

So phone rings again and Bursar is ringing to "see what can be done as they have to think of the interest of the child". Well, according to the HM you don't care about my child.

A friend was in a similar situation a while back and suggested as my daughter will be there until 11, offer payment arrangement on the o/s fees of £50.00 a month plus current fees.

Feeling sick and wretched. Ex claims he is not in a position to pay back money I loaned to him-daughter at school-I know I should report HM but cannot until I can sort some sort of payment. Any advice please?

OP posts:
Martorana · 26/02/2014 15:11

Do you actually want your child in a school where the Head talks to people like that?

LIZS · 26/02/2014 15:13

If she is primary age take her out an find a state school place. Private schools are businesses and self governing, although they do sometimes have funds for temporary hardship it sounds like your case has already gone beyond this. tbh unless you are very well paid now it is going to be an ongoing struggle to catch up and pay a term in advance (which is the usual arrangement) and maintain a good relationship going forward. Better to cut your losses now and aim to change for the autumn term or they may even waiver the term's notice so you could move her sooner. Not sure who you would think to report HM to as independents don't come under any particular governing body .

Floggingmolly · 26/02/2014 15:13

She can't have left a school unable to read and write "having previously been top of the class" Confused
If you can't afford £1000 per month for school fees, your dd cannot attend private school. It's a fact of life we must all abide by, I'm afraid.
Did you really think the HT was out of order is expecting you to pay?

Original poster
MrsBlessed1 · 26/02/2014 15:14

Wanted to show willing hence the weekly payments as I get paid weekly.
No win situation. If I break the contract they will sue, so she might as well continue to attend.....

OP posts:
TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 26/02/2014 15:14

If you can't afford private school, you need to send her to state school, the same as most other parents in this country.

It's great you could afford private school before, but I don't think your ex is required to keep paying if he doesn't want to, unless it was agreed in some kind of legal custody or maintenance agreement. If you can no longer afford it, you need to take her out of school and send her to a more affordable school - either state or a cheaper private school.

Tabliope · 26/02/2014 15:15

Surely most private schools can give discretionary bursaries if the child is at school with them. Can you go in and speak to the bursar face to face with a plan of action to 1) pay current fees, 2) pay outstanding fees and 3) ask if there is any help going. Difficult in primary as they might feel she'll be ok in the state system whereas I'd think it very harsh if your child was in the middle of GCSEs. By the way there's a website that lists where you can get help with school fees for people that have fallen on hard times. Maybe contact them to see if there's anything that can be done. There's a complete range - from for services people to obscure things like kids of people born in the City of London etc. There might be a little help there for you. Whatever, this is not the end of the world. Really. You'll survive it. Best of luck.

Original poster
MrsBlessed1 · 26/02/2014 15:16

Floggingmolly: They have every right to expect me to pay-but don't expect it put across like that!

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 26/02/2014 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LIZS · 26/02/2014 15:18

^Wanted to show willing hence the weekly payments as I get paid weekly.
No win situation. If I break the contract they will sue, so she might as well continue to attend.....^

But you cannot sustain the contract anyway. I thought your op suggested they have stopped her attending already anyway. I really don't think there is any going back form this apart from agreeing a payment plan to pay for this term and finding another school asap. Is your other dd older , where does she go to school ?

NeonMuffin · 26/02/2014 15:20

OP why are you so reluctant to send them to a state school? Private schools are a luxury which you obviously can't afford.

pigsinmud · 26/02/2014 15:20

I don't quite know what you expect to hear. The headteacher was out of order, but you still owe the school money. Agree with Floggingmolly in that she can't have gone from top of class to not being able to read - it doesn't make sense!

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2014 15:22

Yes what exactly was she top of the class for doing?

Martorana · 26/02/2014 15:24

"OP why are you so reluctant to send them to a state school?"

Because state schools make them forget everything they've ever known, apparently. All of them. Based on a sample of one.

CoffeeTea103 · 26/02/2014 15:24

The ht came across badly but his message was correct. It's really not his problem. It's ridiculous that you feel that your dd is only suited to this type of schooling. You can't expect the school to carry you. You should look Into the alternative suggested here.

Pumpkinpositive · 26/02/2014 15:28

I'm confused by the reference in the OP to a "partner" who is willing to pay the fees. Confused

Is this your ex or a new partner?

ICantFindAFreeNickName · 26/02/2014 15:29

How strongly does your ex feel about private school. If you told him you would have to move your daughter to a state school, would that be enough to make him start paying the fees?
You must have got a very good job, if you can afford to pay £1000 a month on school fees, but is it really sustainable longer term. What happens if you need a new car, house repairs etc. Would you not have better quality of life, if she went to a state school and you had more money, to secure your future.
You said you have two daughters, are they both at school?

HanSolo · 26/02/2014 15:32

how is your other child educated?

MadIsTheNewNormal · 26/02/2014 15:32

I'm inclined to agree with the Head that whatever is going on in your private life is pretty irrelevant really - he doesn't need to know all the dramatic and very personal detail, and telling him all that makes it sound a bit like you are angling for sympathy/charity, and it's designed to make him feel guilty

All he needed to know is that your relationship has ended and that the change of circumstances have caused some unforeseen financial hardship. You should have just asked him to split any arrears equally acorss the rest of the fees for the school year so you could pay monthly including the arrears.

Although to be honest it sounds as though your financial situation was always a bit too precarious and that private school was a bit of a stretch even when you were together. This sounds as though it's going to go from bad to worse and you'll constantly be under enormous financial pressure, which is no way to live. You don't even own your own house - surely it would be more sensible to use that money to buy somewhere of your own in a decent area with a good school? It'll be a lot less stressful in the long run.

ilovesooty · 26/02/2014 15:32

The head's attitude was probably very upsetting but it sounds as though private education is a luxury you can't afford.

Martorana · 26/02/2014 15:35

Hang on, you've set up a business, secured work, done the work, not been paid, got another job and started to be paid by that since Christmas???Hmm^

And your dd has already been in private school, moved to state school and back to private school.....

Ringodingo · 26/02/2014 15:35

Some independent schools have a hardship fund for parents who run into trouble with fees. When you meet with the Bursar you could ask her about. I think that the change of circumstances may go towards the criterior. The HT was an arse to react like that. There is nothing wrong in sending your Dd to a private school it's just that you have had a bit of bad luck money wise.
It's important that you keep the school up to date with the situation and keep lines of communication open. I lost jobs 3 times and became behind with the fees but the HT was very understanding and supported me. I can understand this upsets you

MadIsTheNewNormal · 26/02/2014 15:46

So let me get this right; he didn't actually pay you for doing part time work in his company, but he paid your daughter's (his stepdaughter's) school fees. So one offset the other perhaps?

What do you mean by he accused you of fraudulent claims to DWP and HMRC and they stopped your payments? Do you mean you were claiming WTCs and you stopped working for him, so he reported you for still claiming them? Confused

And '...after using my meagre savings I had to pay of my eldest daughters school fees as it even stopped the cheque for that). You mean HMRC stopped the cheque? Confused

How long was your DD in this school before you feel behind with the fees? It sounds as though it may have been very little time, which is maybe why they are not being terribly helpful. Have you ever actually paid a term's fees upfront? Did she only start last September? I doubt if you are a relatively new family there they will be willing to allow you to pay monthly.

LIZS · 26/02/2014 15:52

I wonder if HMRC are investigating the whole set up , not just your employment.

Original poster
MrsBlessed1 · 26/02/2014 17:24

Sorry for delay in responding - went into a meeting.

Going to contact the Bursar and put a plan in place. There was no problem with fees pre split. Ex partner is in a position to pay me some of the money but is choosing not to as he wants me in a position where I have to "come back begging".

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBlessed1 · 26/02/2014 17:29

Not sure. They were very sympathetic - sent them everything they wanted (only thing they did not want was the children themselves. Thanks heavens I had the foresight to declare it (he told me not too).. ..

OP posts: