IL being a bit mean, or not?

[Tweet2tweet]

To cut a long story short, am popping over to see the IL today. Meant to try for the morning but it's my last week before returning to work so dc1 has a last chance play date. Agreed to come over after, around lunchtime.

They haven't seen us in weeks and have never invited me over for lunch once during mat leave, they live two streets away. When I rearranged I suggested I could bring a packed lunch and they agreed with that. No offer for any lunch etc. I wouldn't expect anything fancy, just a cheese sandwich and maybe tin of soup. I'd even make it myself for us all.

As it stands I'm having to take a huge lunch bag etc. Am I being unreasonable and expecting too much?

Hospitality just got much less taxing.

OP, you say that your ILs don't offer food when it's the children's mealtimes - do they actually know your children are hungry and then just stare or are you assuming that they should know the children's schedules?

It feels a little passive aggressive on your part to be frank. You say that they have never invited you once for lunch during your maternity leave, which leads me to ask how many invitations to lunch you've made.

There's more going on here than lunch and it sounds as though there are some resentments caused by a load of unmet expectations on your side. If it's that bad talk to your DH / DP and agree a constructive way froward.

I think it is quite shocking and yes, in reply to your question, I think they are being very mean as well as mean hearted and I would keep away from them, Amazed to think that some posters are ok with this.

Idratherplay

Thanks for your hugely patronising response, however the point was there blatantly wasn't any sharing going on.

I was responding to the Op's individual situation, it was not any reflection of my own behaviour - because I'm not her.

In her situation, where the IL never offer food and live two streets away (please note the her) I wouldn't take lunch two streets away, to sit and feel uncomfortable because her IL don't subscribe to the social norm. In her situation, uninvited to share food and so close to home I'd forgo the whole drama and eat at home.

No one ever leaves my house or my family/friends houses without either being fed or being offered something. I am, and surround myself with, hugely sociable, generous, welcoming people. But not everyone is like that. And in that situation (the Op's IL, my IL) I wouldn't push a situation that clearly wasn't wanted. The IL didn't invite the OP to share food, she was complaining about the hassle, my point was I wouldn't bother - in that exact situation.

I do hope you enjoyed being smug and patronising though.

I have been to IL houses and had them eat in front of me and DH and DC without being offered. They are odd YANBU. Shame on them for not appreciating you and their GC.

My ILS live 5 mins away and drop in constantly. They are not my guests, they are my family and as such are expected to help themselves if dying of hunger. I always offer drinks.
They eat in front of us if we've popped in. FIL speciality is dropping by at supper time. However since they have tea at 6 and we eat at 8 he will not eat again and at best will have a taste if it looks good

Someone who lives 5 minutes away asking themselves round at a mealtime isn't a guest who has been invited for lunch.

YABU

I haven't read all the replies but shocked that so many seem to think you are bu. Surely most in laws make lots of effort to get on with and to help their dil, esp when she has small children. I think they are mean (or just a bit useless).

I think if you live nearby YABU for inviting yourself round at a mealtime. I would never arrange to visit someone at a mealtime unless I'd been invited for lunch. I'd invite myself before or after a meal. If your husband isn't with you I'm not sure why you're so desperate to see them anyway. They obviously aren't that bothered about seeing you or they'd have invited you round.
I'd feel awkward taking my own food to someone's house. It doesn't make anyone look good.