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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

IL being a bit mean, or not?

59 replies

Tweet2tweet · 26/02/2014 09:09

To cut a long story short, am popping over to see the IL today. Meant to try for the morning but it's my last week before returning to work so dc1 has a last chance play date. Agreed to come over after, around lunchtime.

They haven't seen us in weeks and have never invited me over for lunch once during mat leave, they live two streets away. When I rearranged I suggested I could bring a packed lunch and they agreed with that. No offer for any lunch etc. I wouldn't expect anything fancy, just a cheese sandwich and maybe tin of soup. I'd even make it myself for us all.

As it stands I'm having to take a huge lunch bag etc. Am I being unreasonable and expecting too much?

OP posts:

diddl · 26/02/2014 09:57

Invite them to yours & don't offer them anything?

LoonvanBoon · 26/02/2014 10:02

I don't think they're being mean. They may be inhospitable in general, if they never offer food, or they may feel their food isn't good enough - who knows.

But in this case, you offered to bring food & they accepted. It's really not a big issue. I agree that it might have been easier to do your own lunch in your own home, given how close they are, & then take your child over when it's not a mealtime.

Is there more to it? Do you feel you're having to make all the effort / they're not interested in seeing your DC? If not, I wouldn't give it another thought - but would probably feed my child before going & just take a sandwich for myself.

cardibach · 26/02/2014 10:06

If I knew there were issues around food being offered, I would probably invite them to come to me for lunch. I would also like to know whether they ate themselves when you were there at 'mealtimes' or not - different people have different routines. The cracker and cheese sounds odd, though. Under what circumstances was it offered?

zipzap · 26/02/2014 10:07

Do they want to see your dc? Or do your dc want to see their gp?

If the gp dont see that bothered then I'd not be the bigger person say fine and not waste some of my precious last week of maternity leave on them [meanie smiley]

eggsandwich · 26/02/2014 10:16

I think once you actually have the baby the novelty wears off with some GP I know it did when I had mine, when I see my MIL I use to always give our DC packed lunches as she never catered for them and they would sit there hungry, eventually they never wanted to go to visit even though we didn't go very often and she didn't want to drive to ours, now the DC are older I let them make their own minds up if they want to visit. I once visited MIL and didn't even get offered a cup of tea despite me offering to make one she said "oh did you want one, I've not got any milk in."

roundtable · 26/02/2014 10:20

I took your thread title to mean - mean as in miserly/tightfisted.

I think they are, but I clearly spend time with very different people than others on this thread.

Eat at home op, you can't reason with tight people. They'll always find away to justify it.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 26/02/2014 10:25

I think its awful too.

But our family has always been quite social I always thought it was the norm...for instance if siblings friends turned up in cars outside, my mum or dad would go out to say hello and invite them in, and if they came in they would be offered food and so on...its just manner to me?!

But I have learned the hard way lots of people are simply not like that, they like to defend their little patch of England and all in it.

Its very petty.

Op if this was my mum she would be flying out to shops to get food in for you, and probably smother you with too much.

It was hard to be mean and pinched with things in our family!

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 26/02/2014 10:28

coola

I find it a bit odd to take lunch two streets away

In the uk and indeed all over europe, and indeed many other countries, sharing lunch is taken to be a social activity and a pleasant way of sharing time.

Its also a good tool if you are not that comfortable with your hosts. Ie the activity of eating and so on, provides a small topic of conversation in itself. Rather than sitting on a sofa all staring at each ot=her0o

chipshop · 26/02/2014 10:41

I think it's a bit mean. I always feed guests, as do my parents and DP's parents, everyone I know really! Have you asked your DH about it? Are they strange like that anyway or is it particular to you?

DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby · 26/02/2014 11:36

Are there really this many people who think it is normal behaviour to not provide catering to guests? Really?

Is this just another 'only on MN' thing?

I have never, in all my life, been invited to someone's house and not had them provide something.

nilbyname · 26/02/2014 11:40

But the ip offered to bring a lunch?!!

Sounds like there is a back story. Just go over in the morning and leave before lunch?

DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby · 26/02/2014 12:01

Yeah, she did BUT based on the fact that in the past they hadn't offered them any food.

And, if someone was coming to visit me (or I was going to visit my IL's) and offered to bring a packed lunch, I would be

I would absolutely definitely say no, don't be silly I will cater!

I would actually be deeply embarrassed for someone to visit me and bring their own lunch.

BrianButterfield · 26/02/2014 12:15

I think this is very peculiar - my ILs can be a bit odd about food but they would always make us lunch at lunchtime and I would always cater for family at my house at mealtimes - sure, sometimes it's pointing to the kitchen and saying "help yourself" but it would be beyond odd not to.

PixelAteMyFace · 26/02/2014 12:17

Why do you have to go at all if they live so close but never visit you or invite you round?

As for taking lunch, I find it odd that they didn't invite you to eat with them.

Or are they of the generation that has lunch at twelve sharp and never invites anyone, ever?

CrapBag · 26/02/2014 12:21

My MIL never offers food to my DCs when DH takes them over. I think its weird.

I think my family would be offended if I took food with me! I offered to take Yorkshire puddings for Christmas dinner. My nan was not impressed and said she would get them. I should have known .

Original poster

Tweet2tweet · 26/02/2014 13:01

Well, took lunch and then they made their own lunch in front of me without a thought. I suppose everyone is different,but as some on thread say I couldn't have someone over and not offer.
Will try on concentrate on positives of relationship though. Thanks again for comments.

OP posts:

CrapBag · 26/02/2014 13:07

I guess they didn't offer because you already had your own, but then you only took your own because they didn't offer.

Weird.

BumpyGrindy · 26/02/2014 13:09

My MIL never asks me to lunch! If I pop round and lunchtime is near then I can make myself something....or not....maybe our relationship is unusual?

Joolsy · 26/02/2014 13:13

If my kids were hungry when I was at ILs I would ask the ILs if I could make them a sandwich

redskyatnight · 26/02/2014 13:21

If I had someone coming round at lunchtime, I wouldn't specifically invite them to lunch.... but when they came round I'd ask them if they wanted anything. So don't think you can assume your ILs were mean really.

Abra1d · 26/02/2014 13:25

If someone offered to bring their own lunch to my house (unless I was ill or had just had a baby or it was a special occasion of some kind, such as my birthday and they were treating me) I would immediately tell them that this wasn't necessary. It's not normal behaviour.

DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby · 26/02/2014 13:30

Abra I agree entirely.

Not offering a guest some form of catering when they are at your house is not normal behaviour.

Accepting a guest bringing a packed lunch is not normal behaviour.

I am really surprised at so many people on this thread thinking it is, to be honest.

truelymadlysleepy · 26/02/2014 14:00

I think it's odd that they didn't even offer to make you a sandwich.
Do you have strange dietary requirements? If not I think it's jolly rude of them.

Abra1d · 26/02/2014 14:06

Mind you, it opens up possibilities. Do come to dinner and do you mind bringing it with you? :) Three courses would be fine.

truelymadlysleepy · 26/02/2014 14:35

Come for a cup of tea but please bring a flask

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