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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To phase out a friend?

52 replies

BigPawsBrown · 25/02/2014 19:54

I don't know what to do about this situation.

I have a friend who has been a bad friend to me but is completely obtuse (part of the problem) and persistent. I thought it would be kindest to phase her back to being an acquaintance, which is what we were before she went through some life stuff that I supported her through (sadly she did not then do the same for me).

I have been not replying to her or basically saying I am busy. Is this a cowards' way out? Would it really be kinder to sit her down and 'break up with her'?

Anyway it's not working because she still sends me near daily texts, getting weirder and weirder in tone. Told her I was v v busy at work and couldn't do lunch so she wants me to drive to her house (an hour away) and spend sunday with her. Told her I was busy so she sends me a message today asking when she can give me my birthday present. I don't want a birthday present. I know that sounds awful but she has really not been a good friend to me and I just want her to get the message.

Should I break up with her? Or carry on? It's making me feel so awkward with so many unanswered messages/me saying I'm busy etc...

(for those interested in what she's done, we were never spectacular friends but then her husband left her [out of the blue - or at least I think so, but like I say she is obtuse and quite forceful e.g. for ages she thought she just needed to talk to him to get him to come back] and I became her BFF as I was worried for her sanity. This was 18 months ago now. I got ill over the summer with bad rare immune stuff and she was shit. Sceptical and weird, forgetting I was off work (and I have a big career so it was a v v v big deal for me to be off) then showed up with a hamper for a pregnant friend who'd been really unwell )

OP posts:

bodybooboo · 25/02/2014 19:56

just don't answer her texts if you arnt interested. she will get the message. why would you talk to her to make it official?

Original poster

BigPawsBrown · 25/02/2014 19:57

I feel like it might be cruel to ignore her and have her not know what she's done. But then it might be even crueler to spell it out to her! She thinks we're best friends and it is... aahhh it is stressing me out to leave everything unanswered. In the last one she is basically begging.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 25/02/2014 19:57

You sound quite hard work as a friend..

shakinstevenslovechild · 25/02/2014 19:58

I think I would probably engineer and arguement with her, easier than sitting her down and 'breaking up' with her for no reason (in her mind) and shorter than phasing her out, especially as she isn't getting the hint.

heybrother · 25/02/2014 19:59

I'm phasing one out now but it sounds like it isn't going to work in your case.

Might be better just to say you don't feel you have much in common any more.

DoJo · 25/02/2014 19:59

Unless you think she would actually benefit from a 'break up' and learn something about how to be a better friend, then phasing out is the way to go. If she's as blinkered about her own behaviour as you say, then telling her what you think is probably not worth the hassle.

You just need to think bigger i.e. say 'I'm really busy for the next few weeks so let me get back to you when things are quieter' and repeat until she gets the message.

The only other option is perhaps a letter or email where you explain how you feel, but would you want her as a friend if she changed? Or do you think there's too much water under the bridge now?

Original poster

BigPawsBrown · 25/02/2014 20:02

I don't think I'm hard work. I expected a bit of support when I was sick and anyway don't really feel we have same values anymore (e.g. I am at work 9 - 6/7 and she ALWAYS comments on how barbaric my hours are (?!))

I'll try to keep going with the phasing!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 25/02/2014 20:05

I am still failing to see what she has done that is so bad.. Just because she didn't get you a hamper? Maybe she couldn't afford it .. She sympathises that you work long hours.. She is trying to give you a birthday present.. What exactly is the problem with her?

Original poster

BigPawsBrown · 25/02/2014 20:08

The hamper... she literally showed up at my house when I had been too unwell to leave it for four months and said "look at this hamper I got for my friend with morning sickness". I totally get severe morning sickness is horrendous, but it was so TACTLESS. I didn't want a hamper.

Another example, she phoned me up a LOT crying about her husband (fair enough) - maybe 5 times a week. She did so on one such day maybe a year after he left and I said something like, "yes, I feel shit too," having been off work for 5 months by that point, she says "really????" v shocked, I say, "yes, I am ill" and she said "oh yes that."

With work she is constantly saying how she could never trade hours for pay and how careers are overrated etc etc.

She is also tight e.g. will ask whether we're splitting bill and if we are get most expensive thing on menu, if not drink tap water etc. Some people are like this but it's not a trait I like.

Every time I meet with her I come away feeling "ack."

OP posts:

heybrother · 25/02/2014 20:09

In fairness, with the one I am phasing out, she isn't a bad person.

But she is dull and goes on about things I supposedly said or did ten years ago endlessly. It bores me, so I am trying to avoid her.

ahlahktuhflomp · 25/02/2014 20:52

Over-thinking and worse.

YABU. Cut the crap and start being straightforward.

wouldbemedic · 25/02/2014 21:12

It's better to be honest. Phasing out a friend is very patronising. I would also try not to tell people you have a very big career. Sounds superior.

sillylittleperson · 25/02/2014 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Supercosy · 25/02/2014 22:25

I can see why she has pissed you off, am surprised others can't. You supported her when she was going through a tough time and she was unsupportive of you when you were ill. Really difficult times like this make us really value those friends that can be relied upon and are genuinely interested in our well being. I've had health problems in the last couple of years and anyone who'd been that dismissive of me would not be someone I'd want as a friend but equally I don't know if I'd be up for a confrontation. Honestly? I'd carry on distancing myself if I were you.

lazyhound444 · 25/02/2014 22:29

If she lives an hour away it's unlikely you're going to bump into her I would assume. Just be vague and keep saying you're busy. She'll eventually click that you're not a good friend for her and give up.

Slipshodsibyl · 25/02/2014 22:31

Say you are busy at work and it is important to you to do well. It sounds as though that is true anyway and that you probably don't have a great deal if spare time.

Mrswellyboot · 25/02/2014 22:31

heybrother I was in the same boat. Said person moaned and brought up old news all the time. Hurtful little digs all the time. Other stuff too. Said I should be over a emcs quicker than normal delivery. I shouldn't nurse my ten day old baby as I might spoil him. Could go on and on.

Anyway I tried the phasing out thing. No hope of that working. She starting ringing my (very difficult and critical) mother

In the end I wrote to her and said she was a good person but I needed space. It wasnt nasty, was vague enough not to stir and did the trick.

wowfudge · 25/02/2014 22:31

'Phasing out a friend' - yuck, sounds horrible. What a manipulative thing to do to someone.

Funnyfoot · 25/02/2014 22:39

Just tell her that you are very busy with work/family commitments at the moment and have precious little time for anything else. While you appreciate the effort she is making you are unable to commit to anything outside of what you already have on and the guilt you are feeling at being unable to accept her invitations or return her calls is causing you more stress. For the time being it would be best if you just concentrate on the stuff you have going on and will contact her when you are able to give her the time she deserves.

Then just forget to ring her.

systemsmalfunction · 25/02/2014 23:11

Could you talk to her about how let down you felt?

whitesugar · 26/02/2014 00:17

You sound like you have had enough for whatever reason. Stop trying to make sense of it and start enjoying life without her. Some friendships have a shelf life. It is not because either one of you is a crap friend it is just that some friendships run their course. See it as a release and go on and meet new people.

Pumpkinpositive · 26/02/2014 06:44

What is a "big career"? . Are you a film star?

sillylittleperson · 26/02/2014 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poopadoop · 26/02/2014 09:06

'Phasing out' is mean and upsetting for others. Besides, it will cause you more trouble and drama in the long run if you think she won't get the message if you try to do it subtly. So email her - tell her you've felt for some time that you need to focus on other friendships and aspects of your life, and wish her well.

HMG83 · 26/02/2014 09:44

What poopadoop said.

It can be hurtful to be "phased out". I assume
we're all adults here, not silly girls in the playground.

I got "phased out" by someone I considered a good friend, after supporting her during and after her pregnancy, babysitting, taking round food when she was too knackered to prepare stuff and then she suddenly took days to respond to messages until eventually just ignoring them completely.

It's just rude and completely unnecessary when most people can handle been told that things have changed.

I personally think it's nicer, and fairer, in the long run.

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