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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To phase out a friend?

52 replies

BigPawsBrown · 25/02/2014 19:54

I don't know what to do about this situation.

I have a friend who has been a bad friend to me but is completely obtuse (part of the problem) and persistent. I thought it would be kindest to phase her back to being an acquaintance, which is what we were before she went through some life stuff that I supported her through (sadly she did not then do the same for me).

I have been not replying to her or basically saying I am busy. Is this a cowards' way out? Would it really be kinder to sit her down and 'break up with her'?

Anyway it's not working because she still sends me near daily texts, getting weirder and weirder in tone. Told her I was v v busy at work and couldn't do lunch so she wants me to drive to her house (an hour away) and spend sunday with her. Told her I was busy so she sends me a message today asking when she can give me my birthday present. I don't want a birthday present. I know that sounds awful but she has really not been a good friend to me and I just want her to get the message.

Should I break up with her? Or carry on? It's making me feel so awkward with so many unanswered messages/me saying I'm busy etc...

(for those interested in what she's done, we were never spectacular friends but then her husband left her [out of the blue - or at least I think so, but like I say she is obtuse and quite forceful e.g. for ages she thought she just needed to talk to him to get him to come back] and I became her BFF as I was worried for her sanity. This was 18 months ago now. I got ill over the summer with bad rare immune stuff and she was shit. Sceptical and weird, forgetting I was off work (and I have a big career so it was a v v v big deal for me to be off) then showed up with a hamper for a pregnant friend who'd been really unwell Sad )

OP posts:
FridayJones · 26/02/2014 10:26

I've phased out and been phased out.
Yes it hurts but I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I move on. And sometimes people do shit which really pisses me off that I can't get past
They are nice people generally so I'm not going to tell them why as it will upset them and I don't think it's childish or mean to phase them out.
How do you tell someone any of the following (4 diff people btw)

  1. your an alcoholic, your dragging me down with you, I need to leave
  2. you told me that I was stupid for trying for a baby when I'd already had two mmcs and was trying again.
  3. you proudly told me that you shouted at someone that you thought queue jumped in the toilets at my works Xmas do that I invited you to, and when I pulled you up on it , said " she was only philipino, can't have been anyone important ". Also your dd is bullying my dd and you think that's just girls being girls.
  4. you hate my partner, based on him being rude to you the first time he met you, AFTER your first words to him we're " your the bloke, get the bags". She wasn't joking either. That was my best mate of 15 years at the time and it took 4 more years. With her I blew up about something smaller and called it a day.

When your sick, and someone does something really thoughtless like not believe you about it or the hamper thing, I would personally find that REALLY hard to get past.
Maybe tell her just about the hamper thing and that you were feeling so crap that day that you were really upset by it and can't get past it. Then refuse to answer any more texts or calls.

Forago · 26/02/2014 10:30

very school playground to me.

Forago · 26/02/2014 10:31

i'd just see her for the birthday present (surely you owe her that) and then just let things gradually fizzle out.

whereisshe · 26/02/2014 10:37

I would say something to her about how you feel. Not for her sake but for yours... To give her the benefit of the doubt she may not have twigged that you were so ill (she may also be a self-obsessed narcissist but let's go with option a). It will probably keep rankling with you and if you clear the air you can both then go your separate ways without you being so bothered by the situation . I'm not a believer in trying to 'manage' or change other people - give them clear information about what you want / how you feel and then see what happens.

poopadoop · 26/02/2014 10:57

FridayJones -

  1. your an alcoholic, your dragging me down with you, I need to leave

'I'm sorry but you seem to have a drink problem, and while I wish you could get some help, I can't be involved with you any more for my own self-protection.'

  1. you told me that I was stupid for trying for a baby when I'd already had two mmcs and was trying again.

'Just that - you've upset me so much, and I need to focus now on my own health, so I'm sorry but I don't want to be around you.'

  1. you proudly told me that you shouted at someone that you thought queue jumped in the toilets at my works Xmas do that I invited you to, and when I pulled you up on it , said " she was only philipino, can't have been anyone important ". Also your dd is bullying my dd and you think that's just girls being girls.

'I think that as I need to protect my daughter and that her friendship with your child is upsetting her too much, so it is best if we don't see each other for now.'

  1. you hate my partner, based on him being rude to you the first time he met you, AFTER your first words to him we're " your the bloke, get the bags". She wasn't joking either. That was my best mate of 15 years at the time and it took 4 more years. With her I blew up about something smaller and called it a day.

Well this one, I'd have had a word at the time rather than let it go on for four years!

Sillylass79 · 26/02/2014 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 26/02/2014 11:17

It seems a bit childish to me and as its not working anyway id sit down and talk to her

FridayJones · 26/02/2014 11:30

poopadoop

  1. have you ever tried telling some they have a drink problem? I have - it's not a conversation that goes well.
  2. Telling someone that shallow that I'd previously had two mmcs was not a priority for me.
  3. she'll tell me it's my dds fault. Again.
  4. I'll give you that one. I should have pulled her up at the time. And for lots of other shit. I still miss her.
eddielizzard · 26/02/2014 11:54

well i'd either go with 'i'm really busy right now. let me get back to you in a couple of weeks.' procrastination really. or hoping she'll get the subtle message.

or 'i'm sorry i just don't have the time to socialise anymore. i wish you all the best.' then you don't have to respond anymore.

Sillylass79 · 26/02/2014 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/02/2014 11:57

I personally can't see how she has been bad to you, Luce is too short to keep company you don't enjoy. Just ignore if she does not get tge message just tell her straight.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/02/2014 11:58

Oh that really horribal HMC, just be straight with her

poopadoop · 26/02/2014 11:59

FridayJones - that's sad that you miss your friend. Sometimes I think we can get so close to someone we don't have enough boundaries, and then we're upset if they overstep.

Yes, I've had the drink conversation - or rather told someone I couldn't keep up with their drinking and wouldn't be able to hang out so much. Kept the door semi-open so to speak and they ended up giving up drink and we're friends again now.
Understood about the mmcs. With number 3 I wouldn't let her tell me that, I'd just say that you don't want to discuss it in detail, but right now you think it is best for your daughter to find other friendships.

starlight1234 · 26/02/2014 12:08

I have had to do this with someone.... I had to be point blank in the end...She got more desperate..gets creepy to be honest...

I think you are going to have to say something...It sounds like the one sided phasing out is not working

diamondlizard · 26/02/2014 12:19

i feel your pain, i never know if i should phase out or dump either!

laregina · 26/02/2014 12:31

If she's that obtuse you will have to be a bit more obvious - but personally I wouldn't 'break up' with a friend; I would just hope they gradually get the hint (because I am a coward).

I can be brave via text or email though Grin - so would wait till the next time she texts and then reply, declining whatever she suggests by saying say that 'sorry, I'm really busy at the moment with loads going on but hope you're well'. Don't mention anything about seeing her again or making arrangements. Do this every time she contacts you then surely at some point she'll stop?

Original poster
BigPawsBrown · 26/02/2014 23:36

She has today sent me DP a text asking him what I would like for my birthday and if I am ok Hmm he is now in v awkward position!

OP posts:
ForgetMeKnots · 27/02/2014 00:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

wouldbemedic · 27/02/2014 13:12

Doesn't sound as thoughtless as you've made out, to be honest. If you're dead set on ending the friendship, I think you will be a complete bitch to blow her off now. You should explain. If you can. I think you sound quite as self-absorbed and difficult as she does.

maggiethemagpie · 18/06/2014 21:01

I'm voting for saying something. I was phased out by a friend a few years ago and it really hurt, particularly so as I had no idea why, no closure. I kept trying to rebuild the bridge a couple of times, which was completely futile, if I'd known she definitely didn't want to be friends with me I could have saved myself the bother. I had to force myself to stop trying to repair the friendship in the end, as it just compounded the sense of rejection.

So I think some sort of explaining is better than phasing out.

magpiegin · 18/06/2014 21:20

I think YANBU but don't know the best way to manage this. Maybe try and say that you're too busy at the moment and will let her knows when quieter and gradually phase out? Life is too short to spend with people you don't want to.

HayDayQueen · 18/06/2014 21:35

I think the problem with 'phasing out' is that too many people see a friendship as all or nothing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with friendships fluctuating -sometimes you spend lots of time together because you're in the same emotional space, other times you can just be really friendly acquaintances, catching up for an occasional coffee, seeing each other in groups etc.

This whole 'cutting someone out entirely' business is just utterly ridiculous and cruel.

Celestria · 18/06/2014 21:47

I don't know OP. Once someone is my friend that's it. They are my friend and unless they did something really terrible I wouldn't dump them. But then I only actually have a handful of friends so maybe I'm weird.

My best mate once told a lie about my son. When she finally admitted it she told me she would understand if I didn't want to be her friend anymore. I just looked at her and said don't be so bloody daft. We all make mistakes and I will probably make some with you at some point. You are my mate and that's it.

The problem is we often think people should treat us how we treat them. Fact of the matter is that everyone is different. Some people are more selfish than others. It's not malice it's just how they are. Maybe your friend sees you as being really strong and didn't realise how much you would have appreciated her supporting you more.

If she is a proper friend then being honest is the way forward. People aren't mind readers and you rant even giving her a chance to understand that you felt let down by her.

Suppose you were to tell her and she was to say she was so sorry and she didn't realise how thoughtless she had been. What would you do then.

In your case though I actually think you plain just don't like her in that you call her dull. So do the kind thing and cut the contact. Let her focus her attempts of friendship with someone that doesn't find her dull.

Pumpkinpositive · 18/06/2014 21:55

Yes, where do things stand four months down the line, OP?? Grin

rollonthesummer · 18/06/2014 21:57

I'm sorry but I can't get over over the fact you said you had a big career! Who talks like that?! I'm now dying to know what you do that's so big?

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