To hate the school run because of this woman?

[chandlerbing]

My youngest child started school in September. I have an older child at the same school, and have met loads of lovely mums (and dads) through the school run and through her attending classmates' parties. I was really looking forward to DS starting so I could get to know some other parents too.

However, it's all been ruined for me by one woman. She is extremely loud and lets just say that she describes herself as "saying it like it is". Our sons became friends on their first day, and she kept chatting to me at drop offs and pick ups. We also met up a couple of times with the boys. I got on fine with her. I knew straight away she wasn't my type of person to be good friends with, but I thought it'd be nice to be friendly because of the boys.

About a month into school she had a falling out with two other mums. Really not sure what it was all about, but she made quite a big thing about it in the playground. Then suddenly one day she decided that I was involved too, even though I barely knew the other mums, and walked up to me at school drop off one morning and gave me a huge mouthful, accusing me of bitching about her and telling me never to speak to her again!

I said that I didn't know what she was talking about and then just walked off, as obviously I didn't want a huge scene at the school or to be part of anything like that. And since then she has given me dirty looks at every drop off and pick up. I say hello to her when I see her but she blanks me. DS has said her son has said he isn't allowed to play with DS (although DH isn't bothered in the slightest by this). And also, whoever I am talking to she saunters over, glares at me, and deliberately engages them in conversation, even if she doesn't know them really. She is so loud and brash that people are I think quite scared of her and are also too polite to say "actually I was talking to Chandler".

Even worse, is that she is now best of buddies again with the two women she fell out with, yet has still got the hump with ME. For no apparent reason. I should add too that after the initial incident I tried to call her a couple of times to smooth things over, as I hate bad feeling, but she wouldn't answer her phone, so I left it. I know she also bitches about me a lot, as one friend went to hers for a coffee and said she bitched about me the whole time!

This woman has, for me, totally ruined my experience of picking up my youngest from school this year. I feel uncomfortable whenever I see her. I also don't want to be known as someone that has had a falling out with someone, as people will inevitably think I'm difficult to get on with. I just like to get on with people really.

AIBU to hate school runs now? Anyone else had a similar problem?

OP, I feel for you - she sounds like a total nightmare.

You say you have an older child at the school too. Could you wait outside her classroom and surround yourself with the friends you have made amongst that year group? Or would this woman try and muscle in on them too?

To be honest it all sounds quite intense on your school run (this isn't a criticism of you OP!) - to have people making friends and having major fallings out only a month into school! Maybe it's just me - I like to chat to a couple of people but I don't really expect to make friends on the school run (it's nice it it happens over time).

I think this woman senses how invested you are in getting on with everyone and not making a scene (i.e. being a nice person)... and she's using this to bully you.

I wouldn't engage with her any further - you have tried to smooth things over already but it sounds like she just gets off on this.

Could you take a step back from this entire situation and concentrate on the friends you have? Friendships with the other new mums will develop naturally over time through parties etc - and I'm sure they will all soon learn what this woman is like, if they don't know already!

It is horrible and you really don't need it but DON'T pander to her, don't try and make amends. It's probably what she loves - knocking folk off kilter and then have them running after her saying, "please, be my friend again".

Others probably know what she is like bt don't want to get on her bad side. Don't really know what you do other than you are doing but you are best of without her.

OP, I posted a similar issue I was experiencing a few months ago.

My DS is friends with a boy whose mum constantly blows hot and cold. It used to really bother me but after some great advice on here I basically ignored her. Simply smiled and nodded and that was it.

She obviously got the hint and is sweetness and light now towards me.

I always saw school as purely a place my DC go to learn. I have no interest in becoming best buddies with the mums there simply because I don't have time and I find it hard enough to see the friends I already have outside of school.

I drop him off, pick him up (when I'm not working), have a brief chat and that's it.

Sounds like she's got too much time on her hands. Ignore, ignore, ignore!

Oooh this makes my blood boil.

Ignore, ignore and ignore her. However, next time she interrupts your conversation stop her in her tracks. Tell her she isn't involved in the conversation. She is doing this to have control.
Hopefully she will get the message, or better get so mad she'll just explode into a puff of smoke!
This is her drama not yours. Met many women like this over the years in the playground.

I have a similar 'friend'. With her, 'calling a spade a spade' means she can be total bitch to everyone but is hugely sensitive if even the slightest criticism is levelled at her or hers.

She FB's every iota of their lives, in a kind of 'Fuck you Internets, look how fabulous OUR lives are' way. It's all a crock of shit and she even pretends to be on holidays when I know they're all still at home.

She has now fallen out with every single person on our little village lane apart from me. Some folk have been on the receiving end of serious vendettas for the tiniest of slights.

It's only a matter of time until I fall out of favour.

What you'll find OP is that everyone she talks to knows it's her that's causing the friction. She's the bringer of tension, not you.

You are spot on to act bemused by her behaviour. It will be driving her nuts. Word of warning though, she might come back round to you as quickly as she did the other two, so be ready for that too.

oh bless you op she's a nasty bully.

she knows you are nice and soft so she's picking on you.

now you can constantly grin at her and nod but absolutely keep walking so whether or not she answers doesn't matter and looks like it doesn't matter to you either and then stand by your older dcs mums. look happy and be chatty.

if you are talking to someone and she comes over again smile and keep talking. do not look intimidated. keep joining in.

if all this fails and the bitch is still toxic then you need to park early. tap in her car window and point blank tell her you know she is spreading lies about you and if she doesn't stop you will send her a solicitors letter. she sounds thick so that might frighten her.

plan A should work though. practise looking assertive. pretend you are in a TV drama and are acting a part.

she's just a jealous sad knob so knock her back into her place.

Gosh do grown women really behave like this?

We have just moved to a new town, I don't know anyone in the area and was looking forward to making friends when DD starts school in September. Better forget that then and get used to having no local friends.

OP that sounds horrendous and would give me sleepless nights, I hate that sort of thing. She sounds like an awful bully. Console yourself that she can't like herself very much if she needs to boost such a fragile self esteem by being nasty to others.

You've got on fine with everyone while doing the school runs for your older kid so you already have a rep - as a perfectly nice, normal human being.

She's probably jealous of you in some way, just let her go about her business. Be polite and say good morning in front of the kids, and then go about your own business. Do let her be seen to rile or upset you.

Her ishoos are really NOT your problem, and the only people being friendly with her will be those who are frankly scared of her. She's nobody in the overall scheme of things. Sooner or later someone will comment on her behavior to you - do not get drawn in.

She's a Wendy, but they derive their power from those willing to participate in their games. Choose not to play.

You are just the first. She will do this to more mums. Right now they are probably beginning to notice the discrepancy between what this woman is saying and what she is doing. It won't escape anyone's notice that you are not behaving badly at all or talking about her, whereas she is.

Don't let it put you off. Just ignore her and ride it out.

Lambzig I don't think this is usual at the school gates, I haven't seen anything like this, the worst is a tiny bit of cliqueiness. However, you are mixing in with the whole community and there's always a chance that the few horrid girls at school have grown up and had kids of their own and they then appear alongside you at the school gates.

I have made friends there and certainly feel it's pleasant going there, but I wouldn't depend on it as I'm not sure you get to know people well enough off just standing with them for a couple of minutes.

Most people are normal! Sadly there can be the odd nutter.

Lambzig, don't let it put you off! this sort of thing does happen, but it doesn't have to happen. There are almost certainly more grown ups at the school gates than these immature juvenile twats who still carry on playground-style vendettas. Rise above, talk to people, you will probably find someone you get on with, just keep going. :)

Kill with kindness. Seriously, if you remain pleasant and upbeat to everyone, including her, it won't escape others notice that the other woman is the one at fault, especially since she has already had one falling out with others and it is inevitable that she will have another with someone else.

IF it wasn't for the fact that she is clearly a woman who repeats friendship cycles, I'd say you'd have to confront, but in this case the more you rise above it, the more she will hang herself without you having to do anything.

I appreciate it can be awkward, but instead of trying to be non-confrontational/avoiding, be forward and breezily friendly and make it your mission to smile more widely the more sullen her scowl. Eventually she'll give up, because once she realises she cannot either intimidate you into submission, nor provoke you to anger (humiliation) she'll be at a loss and leave you alone.

I was wendied by a passive agressive manipulative liar type.

I was quite hurt at the time as I realise she wasnt the friend who I looked up to. I thought I'd done something wrong. Having took a step back I realised a few things about what she was like....

She has done this again to someone else. OP your Wendy will fuck up too and someone else will see what s he is like also, but I dare say people do already but they are too polite to say.

I has soured the school run for this reason. It has also made me very wary about being too friendly with others. So in answer to someone else up thread I often say morning or a hello but that is it, I stand alone mostly and do not wish to get to know, or more friendly with anyone else.

I do stand and chat a bit but only as an when if just happens I fall into step with someon in the way in and out.

When my second starts school I wont make the same mistake. At certain points the whole thing before and after brought out the worst side of me in my own prirate bitching to make myself feel better (which apparently is normal, if not nice)

I just front it out now. Coats and lippy have never been so important!

what a total bitch. Agree with thumbwitch.... dont give her the chance to make you feel small in front of others. I have expereinced this (not quite the same but random flip flopping of mood with someone I hardly know) and the only thing that works IMO is being as tough back as they are. Ignore her totally, act as if she confuses you with her strange behaviour and dont have anything to do with her. she is a bully plain and simple and has mistaken your niceness for weakness. If anyone asks just say your barely know her so you have no idea what she is on about. Shrug her and her dirty little tricks off like you dont have a care in the world and she will soon get the message.

Also dont worry what other mums and dads think - to be so blatant about this and behave so strangely other parents will soon cotton onto the fact she is an utter loon. Good though, that your DS isnt bothered.

Juet give her the crazy eyes when you pass her, or trip her up.

"I say it like it is" = total bitch who gives no thought to the feeling of others. Ignore her.