To hate the school run because of this woman?

[chandlerbing]

My youngest child started school in September. I have an older child at the same school, and have met loads of lovely mums (and dads) through the school run and through her attending classmates' parties. I was really looking forward to DS starting so I could get to know some other parents too.

However, it's all been ruined for me by one woman. She is extremely loud and lets just say that she describes herself as "saying it like it is". Our sons became friends on their first day, and she kept chatting to me at drop offs and pick ups. We also met up a couple of times with the boys. I got on fine with her. I knew straight away she wasn't my type of person to be good friends with, but I thought it'd be nice to be friendly because of the boys.

About a month into school she had a falling out with two other mums. Really not sure what it was all about, but she made quite a big thing about it in the playground. Then suddenly one day she decided that I was involved too, even though I barely knew the other mums, and walked up to me at school drop off one morning and gave me a huge mouthful, accusing me of bitching about her and telling me never to speak to her again!

I said that I didn't know what she was talking about and then just walked off, as obviously I didn't want a huge scene at the school or to be part of anything like that. And since then she has given me dirty looks at every drop off and pick up. I say hello to her when I see her but she blanks me. DS has said her son has said he isn't allowed to play with DS (although DH isn't bothered in the slightest by this). And also, whoever I am talking to she saunters over, glares at me, and deliberately engages them in conversation, even if she doesn't know them really. She is so loud and brash that people are I think quite scared of her and are also too polite to say "actually I was talking to Chandler".

Even worse, is that she is now best of buddies again with the two women she fell out with, yet has still got the hump with ME. For no apparent reason. I should add too that after the initial incident I tried to call her a couple of times to smooth things over, as I hate bad feeling, but she wouldn't answer her phone, so I left it. I know she also bitches about me a lot, as one friend went to hers for a coffee and said she bitched about me the whole time!

This woman has, for me, totally ruined my experience of picking up my youngest from school this year. I feel uncomfortable whenever I see her. I also don't want to be known as someone that has had a falling out with someone, as people will inevitably think I'm difficult to get on with. I just like to get on with people really.

AIBU to hate school runs now? Anyone else had a similar problem?

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

To tell the teacher probably minnie

Just ignore her, if anyone asks whats happened say you have no idea. Believe me everyone else will know exactly what thos women is like anyway

[likeneverbefore]

Also, I'd try to be less invested in the whole school run 'experience' if you meet people you like then great. If not, you're just there to get your dc to school - yo can meet people elsewhere, it's not a big deal.

[mrsjay]

chandler this woman is not your friend delete her number and ignore her do not become involved in any of it, just because your sons are the same age does not mean you need to be friends with her

[CockBollocks]

When she comes over to interrupt what do you do?

[juneau]

She sounds bonkers to me. Who on earth would start such an unpleasant spat with another mum at the school gate over nothing?

I would avoid her. I suspect that many others find her loud, obnoxious and scary too, but are too intimated to say anything. How horrible for you though to have to see and deal with such an unpleasant person.

[Crowler]

Argh, I feel for you OP - I hate the new classes & all the new personalities (I'm a misanthrope). Stay away & keep above the fray.

And, people who "tell it like it is" are merely wankers.

[likeneverbefore]

And yy to what burren said about the stirring friend.

[Thetallesttower]

First off, don't say hello to her anymore, you don't need to, she's horrible to you so no need to be actively polite to her (I would just not smile, but not look nastily at her either).

Secondly, other people won't like her 'I'm just me, I call a spade a spade' attitude either, and will resent her always interrupting and coming over, so I wouldn't worry they are all best buddies- the other women know what she can be like and it sounds like they can't get away from her more than anything else.

Third, I think you have got to let go the idea it's all going to be friends and happiness at the school gate, she is spoiling it but there will be a few people you can still get on with, smile at, chat to, but take a step back and don't get involved. I would look to make friends away from this at the gym, or through events (e.g. if your child goes to Brownies or whatever) or through work.

[chandlerbing]

When she comes and interrupts I usually just stand there with an amused look on my face, or I just say 'see you later' to whoever I'm talking to and walk away.

I try to act as though I don't give a shit about her behaviour. On the outside that's probably how it seems. But inside she makes me fume.

[Crowler]

When she comes and interrupts I usually just stand there with an amused look on my face, or I just say 'see you later' to whoever I'm talking to and walk away.

Good plan.

[mrsjay]

she is gunning for you cos you appear not to care it is infuriating her she needs to be top bitch dog you are actually driving her insane keep up the good work but dont try and phone her or placate her she is not your friend she never really was I dont think

[Jollyphonics]

My way of dealing with this would be to just carry on being civil to her - not chummy, just blandly polite, as you would when you're in a lift with someone - acknowledge their presence but don't engage.
And just wait. A bitch like her will soon find a new victim and you'll be forgotten.

[CockBollocks]

Well I would do what others have said, no more hellos, just ignore and look right through her.

However, with the coming over I would be very friendly, chat to her and continue the conversation as if you were still friends. Do not leave as that is what she wants, if she's rude to you then she makes herself look a tit. If the other person leaves the conversation then you walk away too.

When she engages with you act as if there has never been a problem and ignore everything else - then no matter how much she bitches no one will have a clue what she is on about.

You just need to ride this out and she will move onto someone else. If she tries to build bridges just be civil and friendly but avoid where possible.

I have someone like this on the school run.

[gamerchick]

Yep carry on with what you're doing.

Tell the shit stirer that you're not interested in any gossip this person is saying.. its boring you can change the subject.

Keep your head up and just ignore her totally.

Christ I couldn't be bothered.. I fix a glare to my face on the school run so nobody speaks to me

[gamerchick]

*then

[mrsjay]

when dd was 4 a woman took exception to me at nursery I have no idea why I just ignored it she still gives me a look if she sees me in the street the girls are nearly 21 I still have no idea what I did to offend her, it happened all through primary too

[Jollyphonics]

I'm interested to hear how many people on this thread don't want to talk to anyone on the school run. When I see mums in the playground standing alone and staring ahead, I assume they're a bit shy, and I often go and talk to them. Now it occurs to me that maybe just want to be left alone!

[mrsjay]

maybe they are shy or want to be left alone but IME most parents like to chat it passes the time till the bell goes but they really cant be bothered getting involved in playground gossip not saying you are a gossip jolly but a lot of parents feel like that I think

[Backtobedlam]

It sounds as though you know a lot of people at the school already, and have friends from your older child to. It's a shame this woman is being so petty and making things awkward, but by ignoring and not getting drawn into an argument/bitching I think you're doing the best thing. I'd continue chatting to those I get on with, smile and say hi to her and hope that eventually she'll move past this and realise how petty she's being.

[Nectar]

I feel for you OP, and all the others who've experienced similar as I've had it too.

Some years ago I got friendly with the mum of a girl my dd started school with, and for about 3 years we were often at each others houses, did school runs and watched sports days/school plays together. I have a much younger child too, who this mum always made a fuss of and talked to him at school pick-ups.

All of a sudden she'd start looking irritated when we approached the school gate. I quickly cottoned on to this and felt upset, even trying to wait in different places so as to avoid the awkwardness. My son though, only about 4 years old at the time had grown attached to her, could spot her a mile off and would go running to her. I actually saw her a few times mutter 'Oh for GOD'S sake!', to herself or whoever was standing near. If I didn't follow ds she'd look irritated having to talk to him, or if I did, to bring him back, she'd roll her eyes at having to talk to me too, so I was in the wrong both ways!

When I was there without ds it was easier to avoid her, but I'd still catch the odd dirty look being thrown my way, or a nudge to whoever she was with and then both of them looking in my direction. It really spoilt the school runs for me, which in a friendly village school, I'd quite enjoyed doing before.

DH wondered if she may just have been using me all that time, so she had someone to call on if she was working late and needed her dd picked up, needed someone to do morning school run if she was struggling with the baby. (Both these scenarios used to happen a lot!). As her dd got older she'd make her own way to and from school so maybe her mum felt she didn't 'need' to be friendly to me by then

It's still a bit hurtful years later, if we see each other out she'll just give me a forced smile and hello, and that's it! She obviously didn't see it as a proper friendship whereas I did.

If this woman is difficult to confront face to face, could you text her, saying you've noticed a change in her behaviour towards you and it's making school runs awkward? You could always say if she doesn't stop you may have to taken it further. Headteacher perhaps, as someone else suggested?

[Suttonmum1]

Trust me. It won't take that long and others will realise what she's like. Loads of people in one of my sons classes have had different issues with the same mum. You just have the misfortune to be the first one in your class to have trouble. In a few years everyone will avoid her.

Unfortunately in the end it will be her child who suffers.

[Thetallesttower]

Jolly I also chat to people standing on their own, but only if they look vaguely interested or look to catch my eye. I made a really good friend this way who was very isolated by the other mums and she turned out to be a lovely person. However if someone looks deliberately like they don't want to be involved, I wouldn't go up to them- if you smile and they don't smile or look away or look uninterested, I'd just stand about too.

I like smiling and chatting to the other mums and dads though, it's a nice part of the day, I'm not looking to make close friends, just have a nice positive interaction, perhaps chat about the school/teacher, and generally I like the school gate- but this woman is an old cow, I can think of someone exactly like that who used to go to my dd's ballet class and she was always saying 'I call a spade a spade' but got incredibly easily offended, the two seem to go together.

[WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes]

There are one or two like this at my DS's school, they do the walk up and cuckoo you out of the conversation thing. My strategies are to talk to who I want to, keep the chat general and if they intervene just carry on the conversation three ways. Or, if they are talking to someone who I am friends with I walk up and join in the conversation with both of them and leave them to back off if they want to, that works well if you can come up behind them so they don't see you till it's too late.

I had a moment of great satisfaction with one of these a while ago, she was chatting outside the scout hut with another mum and had her back turned, I strolled up grinned and said a general "hello", nasty lady turned round with a big smile on her face to say "hello" and literally choked when she saw it was me. The other woman started talking to me and she just stood there looking cross. I smile if I see her coming along the road towards me too, she just looks awkward and on the back foot.

[SlightlyDampWellies]

I have had this too. Trust me,other people will have this woman's measure so you need not worry on that score. I agree with be civil but to essentially ignore her. Bullies hate that.