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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get fed up about DH watching films all weekend, every weekend?

70 replies

cithkadston · 23/02/2014 10:28

We have two children aged 9 and 4, and DH has never seemed to "get" that generally you put your childrens' needs first the majority of the time, and that you actually have to interact with and engage with them.

He currently spends all weekend, every weekend, unless he's working, watching films. Never child-friendly films either. So I end up having to either take the kids out, or to do things with the kids in another room. If he's home alone with the kids, he'll set them up doing something in another room, ie on the computer, and then go off into the living room and watch yet another bloody film.

I got up with DS this morning early. Just went upstairs to see if DH was awake yet, and surprise surprise he was watching another bloody film. He watched 3 yesterday.

I feel like cancelling the Netflicks subscription and chucking out all the DVDs. It's one thing enjoying films, but it's quite another expecting the whole family to fit in around it, all the time.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 23/02/2014 11:13

YANBU that's ridiculous.

I'm not one to believe everything should always revolve around the DCs, and I don't think there's anything wrong with parents watching something the DCs don't like sometimes ("tough, I'm watching this, you can watch cartoons later!") as long as it's not inappropriate obviously.

But what your DH is doing is fecking rude! Why can't he watch films in the evening when they're in bed? That's what we do.

I wouldn't be happy about him keeping them quiet with junk food either, time to stop buying it I think.

Original poster
cithkadston · 23/02/2014 11:29

He buys the junk himself from the local shop. He goes there and comes back with bags full of it.

OP posts:
HearMyRoar · 23/02/2014 11:39

Is this a new thing or has he always been like this?

If its new then I would wonder if there is something else going on that has made him what to disengage with the family to such an extent. I would be worried about depression or problems at work that are making him feel unable to interact with you or the children, or want to go out.

If he has always been like this then why on earth have you lived with it for so long? What exactly does he bring that is positive to your life?

Fairenuff · 23/02/2014 12:07

But OP I don't understand why you go along with it.

OTheHugeManatee · 23/02/2014 15:30

Like others I'd want to know if he's always been like this or if it's a more recent change. If the former, go ahead and LTB; if the latter I'd want to find out what's going on with him as this is very depressive behaviour and suggests someone who's quite unhappy.

Original poster
cithkadston · 23/02/2014 17:31

He's always been selfish to a certain degree, and has always, for example, sorted himself out with a drink/food before sorting the kids. He spent his whole paternity leave after DC1 playing on the x box! But he's got even lazier, sulkier and less engaged with us all over the years.

OP posts:
Evie2014 · 23/02/2014 17:38

What would he do if you turned the TV off? Would you be scared of his reaction?

frogslegs35 · 23/02/2014 17:49

Yadnbu - you deserve a medal for staying with him so long.
He sounds pathetic. I'm disgusted not only that he's filling his dc full of crap so he can have peace but he's not even taking them out anywhere to burn off the calories. That's without worrying what it's doing to their teeth.
Anyway - I think you need to be tough, it's gone on too long.
be blunt and tell him things must change and how, if he doesn't want to step up and be the dad that the kids deserve then tell him to fuck off because you'd have one less manchild to look after.

FixItUpChappie · 23/02/2014 18:02

Your husband is my idea of a nightmare.

I'd ask your man-child what is in it for you and the kids to have him around then....if there aren't any benefits then perhaps he should take his DVDs as to his own apartment, snuggle them at night, vacation with them, have them cheer when he blows out his birthday candles....maybe the will wrap their little DVD arms around his neck when he feels down and fill his life with meaning.

I would have no patience for this - don't enable. Perhaps some counselling to find out why he is checking out on his one and only life.

BABaracus · 23/02/2014 18:10

That sounds awful for you. Have you tried talking to him about it and if so, what does he say?

Squitten · 23/02/2014 18:22

Why on earth would you stand for this OP?! I'm almost as shocked that you would just pander to this crap as I am at the sheer cheek of the man.

What on earth is the point of him?

OrangePixie · 23/02/2014 19:33

You need to sit down and have a loooong conversation with him and tell him how unhappy it makes you. See what he says. Give him a chance to change it.

If he doesn't, then you have a hard decision to make.

persimmon · 23/02/2014 19:37

That's out of order - very selfish. Many men do seem to have the attitude that their free time is sacrosanct and everyone else has to fit in. You need to put your foot down big time, and stick to it.

OxfordBags · 23/02/2014 19:41

He's a shit partner, an even shitter parent, and this behaviour is quite clearly compulsive and abnormal (and I love telly and films). It's setting the Dc a terrible example and must be v damaging to their self esteem to have a father who cares more about escaping into a fantasy world (ehich is what this is) than being with them.

EirikurNoromaour · 23/02/2014 19:53

So what are you going to do?

ICantGoOverItICantGoUnderIt · 23/02/2014 19:57

How sad.

My dad had to work a lot when I was little. However, he gave his all when at home with us and we have a close relationship to this day. I wonder what our relationship would be like now if he simply couldn't be bothered with me as a child.

You are in a better position than your children - you can choose you DH/DP. Your children are stuck with this uninterested father. I suppose at least if he didn't live with you then their noses wouldn't be rubbed in the fact he doesn't care. Maybe he does have MH issues, but he's the adult here, he might try to take an objective look at his behaviour and change. If there are no MH issues then he should be ashamed. I suppose all you can do is talk to him about it, any change will only come from him. I would be ready to show him the door if he can't find it in himself to change.

Original poster
cithkadston · 24/02/2014 14:34

I've tried to talk to him about it in the past, well most weekends really but he just doesn't seem to get that he's behaving unreasonably, and says weekends are for relaxing.

I mentioned it again yesterday after posting this thread and he got in a bit of a sulk and a strop because I am apparently so unreasonable.

OP posts:
ivanapoo · 24/02/2014 14:39

YANBU.

Watching films all day and night is a really shitty thing to do to both you and your children. Feeding them garbage to shut them up and get them to leave him alone is even worse.

Talk to him - but he needs to stop this behaviour regardless of the reason.

ivanapoo · 24/02/2014 14:43

X-post... What about YOUR weekends? When do you get to relax? What about the fact he's a parent and has responsibilities beyond looking after himself?

What does/would happen if you went away for the weekend?

Sorry but he's a selfish, nasty man by the sounds of it.

Original poster
cithkadston · 24/02/2014 14:47

He seems to think that as long as he's placated the kids, ie let them do whatever they want, then he is free to go off and do as he pleases.

His brain seems to work in an entirely different way to mine; I tend to put the kids first the majority of the time, or at least give them consideration in any plans I make, whilst he puts himself first and then everyone else is expected to fit in around him.

OP posts:
ivanapoo · 24/02/2014 14:54

What's his relationship with his parents like?

YouTheCat · 24/02/2014 14:56

Why are you bothering with him?

ahlahktuhflomp · 24/02/2014 15:07

This withdrawal from life seems very like depression, or it can also be how a person avoids leaving, for years after others would have just screamed and shouted and walked out, because they feel sticking with it is the only option but have nobody to talk to.

No idea what the other factors are in your relationship, but I do know from experience that a new-found love of movies/study/etc. can be a revelation to a breadwinner if they do not have access to their own money, or a social life, and the only person they could talk to is... in no way interested in how you feel.

ThatBloodyWoman · 24/02/2014 15:13

Who's name is the internet/netflix account in?

If if's yours, cancel it.

ThatBloodyWoman · 24/02/2014 15:17

There's really no easy answers.
If you don't want to go head on ie cancelling service, ltb, or ultimatum, could you try talking to him about just watching one, or going into a non family living room, or talk to him about helping more while watching tv,for eg, ironing at the same time?