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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To get fed up with people that always have to 'trump' anyone else's illness?

62 replies

mollymalloolamoomoy · 22/02/2014 19:58

I know someone who does this all the time and she is very irritating. She is an alpha mum type, and I know her from a local mother and toddler group. There are about 10 of us that are friends from the group, and we all meet up regularly with the DC and have mums' nights out.

She always has to have things far worse than anyone else does. Initially it was PND. Several of us in the group, myself included, had it, but somehow she decided hers was far worse than anyone else's, and somehow managed to get the sympathy and attention of the whole group of friends, whilst anyone else with PND was overlooked and basically made to feel that we were lucky as we "hadn't had PND as bad as poor X". This woman also has private healthcare insurance, so she went to see a private psychiatrist, and basically I feel that often with private care you get told whatever you want to hear, as obviously it keeps you paying if you get good treatment. And the private consultant was happy to confirm that her PND was "severe" even though she generally seemed perfectly fine. I'm not saying she didn't have PND by the way, just that I don't think it was any worse than anyone else's.

Now it's the same with her child. If ever anyone else's child is unwell, hers is always far worse. She takes him to see a private GP if her GP doesn't say what she wants to hear. I posted a facebook status a few days ago about my son having a cold, and she replied saying her son was far worse, he had tonsillitis, and that I was lucky it was only a cold. His teething was apparently far worse than the teething that anyone else's child has gone through. Giving birth was apparently far more painful both times that she has gone through it than it has been for anyone else.

She just really annoys me. I can't avoid her unfortunately as we all often meet up, but I just find her so attention seeking.

OP posts:
Ledare · 22/02/2014 20:48

Thanks punkatheart Smile

RunRunRuby · 22/02/2014 20:49

Hm I get fed up of people like this but try to just ignore them. I think they must have their own problems to make them need sympathy or attention more than anyone else. It's hard when they are belittling your own experience though. Having said that, I don't think you can really tell how bad someone's depression is from the outside, often people put on a front. But all the other competitiveness is silly. Perhaps next time beat her to it. "My little one has had an awful ear infection this week... but I expect has had something much worse?" Hmm

I stopped going to a cancer support group as I found it a bit much that one of the ladies who had finished successful treatment for her cancer spent the whole time butting in on other people to basically say she had had it harder. Including people with terminal cancer Angry the reasonable side of me says of course cancer is rubbish, the treatment isn't fun, people do worry about recurrence, some people handle it worse than others, but I lost my sympathy the day she interrupted a terminally ill man who was talking emotionally about how guilty he felt to be leaving his wife behind :(

Ledare · 22/02/2014 20:51

Bloody Hell RunRunRuby that is horrible!

storynanny · 22/02/2014 20:52

I know someone like this, if you have a black cat she has a blacker one.

Punkatheart · 22/02/2014 20:52

Blimey, Run - my mouth is open with that one!

It's really a case of Monty Pythonesque oneupmanship!

Punkatheart · 22/02/2014 20:53

I had a black cat, but she had the tiniest patch of white. I would have lost that one! But my cat had thyroid problems. HIGH FIVE!

MoonRover · 22/02/2014 20:55

molly I don't know about PND but your friend sounds hopelessly insecure

I knew someone like this. I used to tell her about people who had died (I made them up, not real people, though I did lift some of them from literature) from terrible illnesses. Purely so she couldn't go one better. And so I could end it with 'you're lucky, you know, you should be grateful you're not X'

Funnily enough, she expressed her gratitude and relief with gritted teeth and furious stares......

RunRunRuby · 22/02/2014 21:05

Good luck with your biopsy Ledare

I do try and be charitable and think she must've really not coped well with having cancer, but she also seemed to be a 'topper' (great description!) in other aspects of life. I guess it's a self esteem issue perhaps. But still Angry

Ledare · 22/02/2014 21:14

Angry from me, too.

Are you okay away from the group?

RunRunRuby · 22/02/2014 21:26

Oh yes, thank you, it was really a bit pointless me going to the support group at all anyway. Having cancer didn't really bother me, which my medical team found a bit unsettling, so suggested the group. The other people were lovely, I do hope they all got the support they needed in between the topper's outbursts.

Talking of support, if you need any while waiting for your test results, head over to the Tamoxigang thread in General Health. It's not just for people with breast cancer, or any cancer, those waiting for results as well :) lots of people have been through the biopsy worries and will understand.

Lettucesnow · 22/02/2014 21:28

Topper Smile

Someone said of a work colleague the other day, "If you've got an elephant he's got the box to put it in!"

That made I laff.

Ledare · 22/02/2014 21:41

RunRunRuby thank you very much. I will look Thanks

elliejjtiny · 22/02/2014 21:59

One of DH's male relatives is a topper, if anyone in the family has an illness he has to have it ten times worse and it became a bit of a running joke among the rest of the family. When I was miscarrying in a&e and feeling very sorry for myself my MIL said "well at least X won't be able to top this". Part of me wanted him to try, I could have done with a good laugh.

Punkatheart · 22/02/2014 22:02

I know what you mean, Run. I found the whole idea of sitting in a room being defined by my illness, uncomfortable. Having something for me was 'OK - now I get on with it.' Different for everyone, I guess.

Plomino · 22/02/2014 22:12

Oh yes , we used to have a Mrs Two Shits outside the school gates every day too . Alas she was also the mother of DS3's best friend. If ever DS3 used to go round her house , I used to take all his school bags home with me , because I just knew she'd be having a good old dig around . She was also the school nurse in the local secondary school , and used to quiz a friends DD as to why her younger brother wasn't at the same school ( he was in special residential accommodation due to SEN ), and none of her damn business . When DH had a breakdown, meaning I was juggling house , 4 kids , and a full time shift job together with carrying DH and keeping everything going , she said 'well I haven't slept for MONTHs ! I have SO much more to worry about '

How I didn't go and do a curly turd on her lawn I have NO idea.

revealall · 22/02/2014 22:21

Love these people.
Being a brazen cow I am quite happy to chip in with " yes, nothing worse than sickly children" or "gosh poor you, luckily I'll better soon because I'm naturally robust."
I only know my friends are ill when they end up in hospital. They don't mention how horrible they feel generally.

DeWe · 22/02/2014 22:28

Is she called Joey Maynard?

Kasterborous · 22/02/2014 22:32

I call people like this 'two shits' because if you said you had, had one, they will have had two.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 22/02/2014 22:41

I call people like this twentyarife. If you've been to tenerife, they've been to twenty Grin

RunRunRuby · 22/02/2014 22:48

punk it's lovely to find someone who feels the same way! :) although sorry you have/had lymphoma.

I wonder what happens when two toppers meet, has anyone ever witnessed it?

Momunnymoproblems · 22/02/2014 22:57

Yes RunRunBaby one or the other will eventually spontaneously combust, just to prove the other wrong

Momunnymoproblems · 22/02/2014 22:59

RunRunBaby?? Sorry RunRunRuby shows where my brain is this evening

CerealMom · 22/02/2014 23:08

When you next have to meet up, play bingo with her. Write down phrases or topics you think she might mention. See how many/quickly she mentions them. When you've got bingo you can go. Time trial her.

When you get the hang of/bored of that (illness/child development), introduce weird topics/unusual and rare illnesses/far flung places you've (never) been to. Have fun with it/her, it's the only way to stop the stabby feelings and pass the time.

scottishmummy · 22/02/2014 23:12

Yes it's grating,it's essentially an insecurity thing.fear of being overlooked so magnify issue

Gossipyfishwife · 23/02/2014 00:15

Actually I have 2 friends like this....but they are much worse.......