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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my DH to SHUT UP already?

45 replies

NotJustACigar · 22/02/2014 07:04

I am very happy with my DH who is a wonderful person except for one thing that is driving me up the wall. He is so damn noisy and loud and seems to feel a strange desire to fill every silence with some sort of irritating noise. So this morning he has been lying here and, as I've been trying to read on my iPad, has:

sung the chorus from the Men in Black song over and over sometimes changing the words to something silly
said "aa it's a problem" several times which he uses as a catchphrase (there is no problem)
given me a full rambling weather report for the weekend which I did not ask for
made some comments about the way the cat behaves that I have heard from him over and over again
been constantly sniffing ( not his fault) followed by comments to himself along the lines of "stop sniffing you pig"

He has also made some non-annoying actual normal conversation about his workout plans, things he'd like to do for the weekend, asking me what I would like to do, etc. but this is all interspersed with random noise. I do think(and his family have also mentioned as has he) that he may have a mild case of Aspergersbut I'm not sure about this nor about whether its related to this behaviour. I think it's more of a nervous tic (he is a very anxious person)

AIBU to want to just tell him to STFU or not sing/ramble/talk on and on when I am trying to read? I have basically given up reading books in his presence as the interruptions are just constant. At least with MN I can get my train of thought back quite easily when he distracts me.

I have asked him (begged him!) to please try to be quieter. When i do he will sort of sit there in a "pregnant pause" for a minute or two and then will start up again. It's driving me absolutely potty! Any advice? Has anyone actually gotten a loved one like this to be quieter or have learned to deal with it? I just want some relaxing peace and quiet in my own home from time to time grrrrrrrrrr!

OP posts:

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 22/02/2014 07:10

Couldnt you read in another room?

Original poster

NotJustACigar · 22/02/2014 07:15

He just follows me! So I end up in the same situation but sitting where I don't want to be sitting. I do go to bed early to read most nights as he likes to stay up quite late

OP posts:

LettertoHermioneGranger · 22/02/2014 07:19

If this is a problem for you, you need to explain this to him.

I don't know if the Asperger's diagnosis is valid or something assumed. But especially if this is true, you need to be very clear your expectations, not a vague 'be quieter'. "I need silence to focus on reading, can you please stop making noises or do a silent activity until I put my tablet down (or in X minutes)?"

Or go in another room. Lock yourself in the bath. The need to relax is valid, but plan your time through communication and compromise.

StuntNun · 22/02/2014 07:20

If it's self-stimming behaviour such as you might get with ADHD or Aspergers then he very likely cannot stop just because you ask him too. He may be able to transfer to a different stimming method but that would likely be just as annoying, e.g. tapping, fiddling or repetitive movements. My DS1 has ADHD and will only stop making all that noise, just as you describe your DH, once his Ritalin has taken effect. Does he show any other signs of behavioural issues?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 22/02/2014 07:20

He sounds like a toddler!

In that case i would most definitely tell him to STFU!

purplemurple1 · 22/02/2014 07:20

I've got relatives with Aspergers they tend to want to be quite and alone.

Could he read either to himself or aloud to you at least then the noise would be useful?

Peacocklady · 22/02/2014 07:20

He sounds very awake, could you suggest he goes and makes you breakfast in bed before going off to do his exercise?

HighBrows · 22/02/2014 07:25

He could have Tourettes or adhd. I hope he doesn't have Dickheadism.....

Be very clear in asking him to stop and if he doesn't make him leave the room.

Personally this sounds like torture, I could not live with that level of noise.

Mimishimi · 22/02/2014 07:31

He sounds like my son who has a PDD-NOS diagnosis. The constant sounds drive us a bit batty at times too. Tourette's is quite different isn't it? Perhaps you should consider getting him assessed? When he was little, perhaps they just thought it was quirkiness.

Original poster

NotJustACigar · 22/02/2014 07:32

He definitely doesn't have Dickheadism and he would chain lay make me breakfast if I asked him but I try not to. Take advantage as he does a lot for me already(makes my lunch every day etc etc).

Self-stimming - I had never heard of this before, Stuntnun, but have googled it and you could well be right. He is now lying here reading (thank god) but keeps making lots of movements like lifting his leg up and slamming it back down onto the bed, rubbing his foot repetitively,etc.

OP posts:

Oneaddoneisthree · 22/02/2014 08:06

My DH and DS are both like this. DS probably has mild ADHD although never confirmed. He would talk literally all the time if not stopped. We have to have very clear boundaries - literally "you can tell me about Pokémon for 5 minutes and then you will be silent for 10 minutes and let others talk". Of course, you can't do that exactly with DH but you could ask him for 15 minutes' peace and explain clearly why you need the head space. I do sometimes lock myself in the bathroom - they knock on the door but I ignore them!

zipzap · 22/02/2014 08:31

If he is making noise to fill the silence because he can't cope with silence, would putting the tv or some music on help at all? It might have to be quite loud to be 'not silence' enough to work, but it might be easier to tune constant music out than him talking.

Also, could you get a pair of headphones that are ear defenders - a big, visible sign that you don't want to listen to any noise - and by extension, him. Explain nicely that although you realise he likes to have constant noise, you like to have silence sometimes, especially when you want to read. If he needs to interrupt you to tell you something important then he can tap you on the hand to get your attention. If he does that for too many trivial things then you can start to explain nicely that when you have your headphones on you don't want to be disturbed unless it is for something important, which that wasn't is there anything you do that annoys him so you could use it as an example of 'just like you don't like it when I do xxx, so I try not to do it and if I forget, you remnd me - well this is like that for me. The ear defenders should hopefully act as a big visual cue that you are in 'do not disturb' mode.

Good luck - I know how irritating it can be. Took me wears to train dh not to come in and switch on the tv then wander out again if I was reading in a quiet room. Now getting my own back - I like to listen to music or the tv when I'm cooking. But now we are in a different house, he sits to read the paper in the kitchen for peace and quiet - when I'm cooking. At least I'm there to listen to it though! And ds is teaching himself to whistle so there's constant chirping wherever he is (although that's quite handy in the supermarket to use a bit like sonar to let him have a bit more independence from me but I can still hear where he is!)

RedFocus · 22/02/2014 08:44

Maybe he is just bored and is trying to get your attention.

RedHelenB · 22/02/2014 08:48

Unless you're American YABU for the title of your post!

Original poster

NotJustACigar · 22/02/2014 08:56

I actually am American why what's wrong with it!

I made a deal with DH that if he could be quiet for 10mins I would go make him cappuccino and toast...and he managed it! So he can definitely do it if he wants to. We had a nice chat about it and he has been pretty quiet since except for a very few short-lived singing outbursts along with some pleasant conversation. I think positive reinforcement is going to help plus loving but clear explanations of why I want peace and quiet. If not I will get some ear defenders!

Btw DH has a teenage daughter from his first marriage and she has been diagnosed with Aspergers by a psychiatrist. She wrote a letter to DH saying she thinks he has it too and he should get it checked out. I think she's probably right.

OP posts:

Tmrgl · 22/02/2014 09:03

I've had 20 years of this - nothing seems to make him STFU (except the sulking, another whole story). He's chattering away now as I type, even after explaining what I was laughing/reading about. I've got better at letting it float over me, I read on the train or in the bath and occasionally say 'yes dear'.

RedHelenB · 22/02/2014 09:10

Nothing - we just don't tend to add the already at the end!

Just go to the bathroom & lock the door!

complexnumber · 22/02/2014 09:14

If he can manage 10 mins on the promise of cappuccino and toast, how long would he manage if you promised a bj?

(There's always someone who'll lower the tone)

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 22/02/2014 09:15

Send him round here.
My tinitus is really loud at the moment and I could do with some background noise.

winterlace · 22/02/2014 09:17

He sounds lovely BUT I can see how infuriating this must be! Mine rambles. It is annoying. I just had to tell mine the other day I was finding it hard to have a conversation with him. Then he did actually go into a semi- interesting ramble (more interesting than the original dull story anyway!) and then said 'oops sorry.' Can't win!

paxtecum · 22/02/2014 09:21

My XH didn't like me to read as it excuded him.
He would always start talking to me if I was reading a book.
If I wasn't reading then he wouldn't bother.

Does your DH fidget and talk to himself when he is on his own?
He could just be attention seeking!

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/02/2014 09:22

I've had a commentary on his digestive system and several outbursts of 'everything is awesome' from the Lego film, plus begging for more tea.
Arghhhhhhhh

ProfessorSkullyMental · 22/02/2014 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/02/2014 09:56

I think you have to be very firm. Get up and go into another room and if he follows, tell him to go away because you are being irritated by the noise.
If he won't go away, then there's a problem bigger than the actual noise.

sebsmummy1 · 22/02/2014 10:00

I know this is light hearted but my Mother actually approached the vicar who married then a week after the wedding to ask for an annulment based on my Fathers continual noise. He really was and is a noisy bastard.

One of the reasons me and DP co exist so happily I think is that we both enjoy quiet. We do things in the house with no tv blaring or radio on. We just potter about. My sister on the other hand has a radio or TV on in every room and her partner winds the children up to the point that there is screaming and shouting etc etc.

Honestly couldn't live like it.

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