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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my DH to SHUT UP already?

45 replies

NotJustACigar · 22/02/2014 07:04

I am very happy with my DH who is a wonderful person except for one thing that is driving me up the wall. He is so damn noisy and loud and seems to feel a strange desire to fill every silence with some sort of irritating noise. So this morning he has been lying here and, as I've been trying to read on my iPad, has:

sung the chorus from the Men in Black song over and over sometimes changing the words to something silly
said "aa it's a problem" several times which he uses as a catchphrase (there is no problem)
given me a full rambling weather report for the weekend which I did not ask for
made some comments about the way the cat behaves that I have heard from him over and over again
been constantly sniffing ( not his fault) followed by comments to himself along the lines of "stop sniffing you pig"

He has also made some non-annoying actual normal conversation about his workout plans, things he'd like to do for the weekend, asking me what I would like to do, etc. but this is all interspersed with random noise. I do think(and his family have also mentioned as has he) that he may have a mild case of Aspergersbut I'm not sure about this nor about whether its related to this behaviour. I think it's more of a nervous tic (he is a very anxious person)

AIBU to want to just tell him to STFU or not sing/ramble/talk on and on when I am trying to read? I have basically given up reading books in his presence as the interruptions are just constant. At least with MN I can get my train of thought back quite easily when he distracts me.

I have asked him (begged him!) to please try to be quieter. When i do he will sort of sit there in a "pregnant pause" for a minute or two and then will start up again. It's driving me absolutely potty! Any advice? Has anyone actually gotten a loved one like this to be quieter or have learned to deal with it? I just want some relaxing peace and quiet in my own home from time to time grrrrrrrrrr!

OP posts:

KittensoftPuppydog · 22/02/2014 10:03

Can you ask him to go and play in another room?
I get rid of mine in the mornings by letting him go and watch all the music videos that I don't want to watch and play guitar with headphones on.

Olivegirl · 22/02/2014 10:08

I'm with redfocus
He sounds like he wants attention.
My DH will get a bit fidgety and sniffy
If I'm on MN too long
Stop reading do stuff together for a while

HandMini · 22/02/2014 10:08

My DH is never quiet - humming, singing, putting on music, cooking loudly, reading stuff out of the paper to me, vague conversations that he's only half concentrating on. It's just him. I tell him "be quiet for 10 minutes while I read this". He mostly does it. I go into another room if he doesn't. I sometimes wear ear plugs to drown out the worst of his noise.

It makes him amazing with children though because he's constantly "up and at 'em" and talks and sings to them.

Just the ups and downs of living with someone.

minouminou · 22/02/2014 18:51

I have ADD and while I do the self-stimming thing, I think if the OP's DH had it as well, she'd know already (see what I did there?).

OP, do you think it might be the case, or is he just v British and unable to do silences?

Pumpkinpositive · 22/02/2014 20:38

Did something sad happen in his childhood, OP? As a teenager, this was my counsellor's suggestion why I never paused for breath around my parents - "to fill up the silences".

quirrelquarrel · 22/02/2014 20:41

been constantly sniffing ( not his fault) followed by comments to himself along the lines of "stop sniffing you pig"

sorry this is hilarious

I have a bit of sympathy. My mum is INSANELY sensitive to sounds and smells (it bothers me too so I understand her OTT reactions but am not as bad as her no way) and I'd get shot furious annoyed looks for hiccuping when I was a kid. I still get told off for sneezing sometimes

I asked my dad to stop reading to me at bedtime (to be fair I was 13) because the little clicking sound he made whenever he reached a full stop put me so on edge I couldn't get to sleep afterwards. x100 similar things through my childhood. Sounds can def be so annoying.

quirrelquarrel · 22/02/2014 20:44

(well- they're not OTT really, she just genuinely hears small sounds magnified, so the reactions are pretty normal, scaled back if anything)

Liara · 22/02/2014 20:46

Might not work, but this could be worth a try. Get him an ipod and load it up with lots and lots of podcasts (talking, not music).

Dh is a bit like that. He just needs constant stimulation. If he is listening to a podcast while doing something else, otoh, he seems to do it in silence.

When I want to read or do something else without being disturbed, I just tell him to plug himself in.

quirrelquarrel · 22/02/2014 20:46

Oh has anyone mentioned misophonia yet? favourite MN diagnosis of course. right up there with toxic and narc

Goldmandra · 22/02/2014 20:49

He sounds exactly like my DD2 who has AS.

Like your DH, she can control it but it takes concentration to do so which detracts from whatever else she is trying to do.

We don't try to stop her stimming but do sometimes try to get her to redirect it when what she's doing in particularly irritating or socially unacceptable.

Give him some blue tack, Tangle, chain or a stress ball and see if he can redirect his stimming to something less obtrusive.

maitaimojito · 22/02/2014 21:08

Sorry but I can't help but laugh - you've made it sound quite comical!

I do understand how frustrating it is though. My DP often speaks while I'm reading or working and I find it hugely annoying constantly losing my train of thought.

He seems to be able to focus on something with background noise while I need silence. Maybe its a man thing.

Original poster

NotJustACigar · 23/02/2014 09:13

Liara thanks for the podcast suggestion which you would think would work but funnily enough he cant stand talk radio. he hates it when i put radio4 on in the car for example as he says he cant stand having all that talking going on [hmmm]. i guess he feels he should be the one doing the talking!

So glad his funny side came through in my post. He really is hilarious and usually when I'm in the mood for the noise is a lot of fun. Handmini yes I often think he would be absolutely great with children and I'm sure he was wonderful with his two who are now grown. He does lots of other little things that make me think this as well apart from the "entertainment" - such as grabbing my hand when we're about to cross the road despite the fact that I grew up in a big city and have been crossing roads on my own since long before we met!

He does do it when I'm not around so I'm not sure it's for attention. He is currently running the Hoover in the other room for example, and is singing "Santa Claus is coming to town" but keeps interrupting himself to make comments to the Hoover . And meanwhile I'm having a lie in - I really, really should not complain about having a husband like this. Feeling a bit guilty now that it sometimes gets to me and makes me a bit ratty with him.

OP posts:

philomenascat · 23/02/2014 09:22

I am curious what he does for a living and if this behaviour (i.e the constant talking) interferes with his work? What about with friends? Do they notice?

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 23/02/2014 09:24

The constant need for back ground noise is one of the reasons I stopped reading :(

Always telly or music on and if I turn it off he'd start wandering whistiling and otherwise distracting. Yanbu.

KarinMurphy · 23/02/2014 09:34

You have my sympathy. Your husband sounds like a sweetheart but, as an introvert, constant noise and chat drives me up the wall.

My son has ADHD and Aspergers. From the moment he could walk he started following me round the house chatting inanely and making noises. This has continued all through his childhood. He is now 17, he's been up for about 20 minutes and I'm already getting irritated. I love him dearly but I'm going to go walk the dogs in a minute just for some peace and quiet. :)

Original poster

NotJustACigar · 23/02/2014 09:36

Philomenascat he works as a carer for older people and I think they absolutely love his chatter as many of them are so lonely. I know I should be grateful, I honestly do. But it's hard sometimes... I think that's really unfortunate that you've had to stop reading, Readyto.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotJustACigar · 23/02/2014 09:39

Karin exactly - I am an introvert, too.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 23/02/2014 10:06

The constant need for back ground noise is one of the reasons I stopped reading

I can only read when DD2 is out of the house.

minouminou · 23/02/2014 13:16

I bet he's brilliant with the oldsters, NotJust. You might just have to accept his need for constant chatter and find a way around it. Can you get chickens or something, and tell him to bog off and talk at them?

minouminou · 23/02/2014 13:19

Sounds like a weird Q, but would you say your DH has more compassion and empathy than average?

The reason I'm asking is that he might be really good at guessing/feeling what people need, but has you need for silence/P&Q as a bit of a blind spot.

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