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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take dd out of school to attend my graduation?

77 replies

AmigoShamigo · 21/02/2014 08:27

Dd is in year 1. Attending university has been difficult for me/us - I started soon after her father and I split up and while we were living in a hostel. We had 12 hour days including travelling when she was three and she was fantastic. I then had to learn to drive in time for her starting school and she's been really helpful and encouraging of my work. I'm the first person in my family to go to university and I'm hoping to get a first.

The ceremony is only 1.5 hours long and dd is patient, my dp would be there to sit with her when I'm on stage. She said she'd 'like to be there to celebrate my achievements because I always go to celebrate hers' Smile Obviously I'd apply for an authorised absence from school and it's towards the end of the summer term so hopefully would be granted. I told exH my plans and he has decided he strongly opposes dd missing school for it and will be contacting the school Hmm Aibu in wanting to take dd out of school for my graduation?

OP posts:
MorningTimes · 21/02/2014 08:57

My DS came to my graduation when he was 4. He loved it. It was a special family day, we have lovely photos from. We went for a meal afterwards.

My family did sit near the back at the ceremony so that they could take DS out if necessary.

I understand about it being a big celebration when you have worked hard and your DC have had to work around you. Enjoy your day, you deserve it Smile

mrsjay · 21/02/2014 08:58

one and a half hours isn't really that long for a 5 year old to sit and watch the can take things to amuse her till mummy's bit comes up

WaitMonkey · 21/02/2014 08:58

YANBU, take her. But do check the uni age restrictions first, and do be prepared, they are very long and very dull. But it sounds like you and the lo have had a tough time and you've made a wonderful achievement. Your dd will probably be very excited to be a part of it.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 21/02/2014 09:00

We took DD (16mths at the time!) to DHs graduation. (also mine, in utero Wink)

It was important to us that there were photos of her with the gown. We did it for her.

PuppyMonkey · 21/02/2014 09:00

Take her! That's all.

herethereandeverywhere · 21/02/2014 09:04

I'd say it would be an invaluable lesson in what education can achieve - being able to see formal recognition and celebration of all those hours of hard work.

I'd sell it to school from this educational angle, she'll never get the opportunity to experience this again AND she's said she's keen to go.

I'm usually against taking kids out of school, esp. for holidays but I would definitely make an exception for this.

And Well Done! You sound amazingly determined and hard working. I hope it unlocks all the doors you want it to.

callamia · 21/02/2014 09:05

I have no issues with you wanting to take her out of school of rhinos - parents who study are brilliant role models and should be celebrated, I just know that it's maybe not the most exciting thing for a child to sit through.

She will get to see you in your graduation outfit and get her photo taken with you - these things are brilliant and worth it all (congrats on your degree!) if school don't agree, you can hire your gown for longer and make sure that you get some post-school celebrating done while you're still in your robes.

I plan to take our son to his dad's graduation next year (fingers crossed). He's much younger, but I think it will be really lovely for dh to have him there too.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 21/02/2014 09:07

DD wasn't the only child there either! There were probably 6 young kids?

MerryBuddha · 21/02/2014 09:08

I think it amazing achievement and she should be apart of it. I am not sure you will get leave of absence but I would take her out for the day (ill). I wouldn't mention anything else regarding it to the ex. Bitter sod!

Well Done you!!!

rosy71 · 21/02/2014 09:08

We took ds1 (Year 4) & ds2 (Year 1) to dp's graduation in the Autumn. They were perfectly behaved & thrilled to go. We thought it was good for them to see the end result of his hard work. School were fine about allowing them the time off.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 21/02/2014 09:09

Ah, congratulations Thanks
You have to celebrate this with her somehow.
Even if the actual ceremony can be a little dull it can be part of an exciting day where maybe your dd would get to see part of the university and get more idea what it would be like to go herself. That can all be very important to her as well as you, and definitely worth missing a day of school for IMHO. Perhaps you, dd, and dp will all go out for a celebration meal afterwards for example ?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/02/2014 09:11

Sister and I went to mum'd aged 15 and 10. It was kind of boring, but I remember more about it than my own. We were really proud and I'm glad we went.

bakingaddict · 21/02/2014 09:14

When my DH qualified as a solicitor and was admitted onto the roll we took DS who was 2.5 at the time to the ceremony. The person officiating the ceremony did say if any children become noisy then they would expect them to be removed. MIL was there as well and I did take DS out for 10mins when he got a bit restless and fidgety but other than that he coped fine. We have some lovely photos of us all together and we met the rest of DH's family for a celebration meal afterwards.

EvilTwins · 21/02/2014 09:16

I went to my Dad's when I was 8. It was immensely boring.

OldRoan · 21/02/2014 09:16

If you take her, could you put together a little I-Spy kit, a bit like a scavenger hunt?

Put things that you know she will be able to see/hear (eg. mummy crossing the stage, someone wearing a big hat) and also a few stranger things to keep her going (someone in red shoes, someone with a purple tie). As long as she won't bellow "that lady has a silly hat!" Then it might help her get more out of it. You could also include things in the room if you know in advance where it will be.

DP's mum went and got a degree in her 40s, and the photo she has with him and his sister is something she is so proud of. I think it's a wonderful thing to share with your DD.

funnymummy2931 · 21/02/2014 09:17

I graduated last summer and my DD 11 & DS 7 loved it (dh sat with them). DS played on iPod until the important part and I would not of graduated without them watching tbh. Smile

teacherwith2kids · 21/02/2014 09:19

Under the recent re-statement of rules for authorising absence from school, yiou may find that your DD's school does not authorise the absence. This doesn't mean theat the HT 'doesn't approve', or that your exH has 'influenced the decision', just that many schools have very significantly tightened up on authorising absence, with many operating a 'no authorised absence at all except in exceptional cuircumstances'. It may be that your HT would regard your graduation as 'exceptional' - it is, after all, a one-off occasion, where you have no control over the date - but they may not.

However, if you want to take her, take her even if it isn't authorised. DO NOT see this as the HT 'being against you', or be afraid of what your exH has said, it will simply be about an application of the policy and is NOT personal.

A single day of absence at such an age, with an otherwise 100% attendance record, is not going to bring down any consequences on your head (I'm vehemently against children taking term-time holidays, because I have witnessed first-hand the educational consequences for children and for the whole class of regular term-time holidays - but in this case the balance of harm / benefit is different). Don't lie about her being 'sick'. Go and see the HT, explain the situation (including exH's position - get your uinformation in first), ask for authorisation, but if you are told it will not be authorised because the HT can't authorise it under the LA / school policy, say that you are taking DD anyway. The HT is very likely to wish you well and hope that your DD has a great day.

dotty2 · 21/02/2014 09:21

Congratulations - it sounds like an amazing achievement for you. I am hoping to graduate from a postgrad in July and wondering whether to take my DDs who will be a bit older - 6 and 9. I think they will be excruciatingly bored - I remember being unbelievably bored at my big sister's and I was 15! But I want them to be part of it too. My uni screens the ceremony to video loungers and suggests that if any children get disruptive you take them out to watch it there - so do find out what facilities are available. Have a wonderful day!

Fairenuff · 21/02/2014 09:22

Yes, this will probably go down as unauthorised but you can just pay the fine and go. If you want to, you can pay your ex's share as well.

teacherwith2kids · 21/02/2014 09:22

Absolutely agree, by the way, with taking DD around the university, showing her where you have been working etc as well as her seeing the ceremony. My parents took us to their old university town during our childhood - not often, but occasionally - showed us their 'inside view' and talked about what it was like, and that did have a big influence on all of us when it came to making post-18 choices.

Sillylass79 · 21/02/2014 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

teacherwith2kids · 21/02/2014 09:24

Fair - a single day is unlikely to incur a fine (though it does depend on the LA). I understand that in many areas the policy is to fine once unauthorised absences rise above 10 sessons (5 days), though there may be some 'zero tolerance' areas of the country.

tiggytape · 21/02/2014 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morgause · 21/02/2014 09:25

Take her. She wants to go, you want here there. It's a one off.

VelvetGecko · 21/02/2014 09:28

I would take her. I'm a LP mature student and when i eventually graduate i will most definitely want DS there.