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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if my friend did the right thing? (OW)

53 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 20/02/2014 20:38

I posted a few months ago about my friend who confided in me she had started seeing a guy (lets call him James) who was already in a long term relationship and had 2 or 3 children (can't remember which) and that the youngest was only a 4 month old baby.

When my friend had first met James she wasn't aware of his situation and only found out for herself when she looked him up on Facebook and found lots of 'Happy Family' photographs of him and his partner (lets call her Katie) etc. My friend confronted James but continued seeing him as apparently they '"had something special'"

Anyway - I saw my friend again today (I had withdrawn from her a little because I felt uncomfortable about it all) and she told me she had realised she was in the wrong and that last week she met up with James for the last time to tell him it was over. She said she'd been telling him this for some time via phone calls but because he'd been continually ringing/texting her she had met up with him face to face to make him see how serious she was and make him realise that him contacting her had to stop.

However, James continued to text my friend and leave voice messages on her phone etc saying he wanted to see her and he didn't want their affair to end and as a result my friend decided to tell Katie what James has been up to!!! Last night my friend sent a message to Katie via Facebook and told her that James has been cheating on her for over 6 months and relayed what James had been saying about his 'unhappy relationship' etc. My friend wrote in the message that as James had continued to harass her after she'd try to end things she thought it only fair that Katie knew what type of man she was with!

I was Shock

She had not previously threatened to do this - i.e James had not been forewarned that unless he accepted it was over then my friend would tell Katie what was going on. My friend just took it upon herself to 'break the news'.

I'm all up for cheaters getting their comeuppance but all I can think about is poor Katie, opening up a Facebook message and reading that!! Can you imagine receiving a message from some random woman claiming to have been having an affair with your partner of 8 years who you have children with, let alone a new born with!!!

Would you have done that???
AIBU to think that maybe it wasn't the best decision my friend made??

OP posts:
HmmAnOxfordComma · 20/02/2014 20:42

No. She might not have done it for altruistic reasons, but she did, in my opinion do the right thing.

If James was my husband, I would absolutely want to know.

It actually makes my stomach turn just thinking of anyone knowing this kind of information and keeping it to themself.

Lj8893 · 20/02/2014 20:53

Yes, I would want to know if my partner had cheated on me.

Normalisavariantofcrazy · 20/02/2014 21:02

Only problem with the Facebook message is that as she presumably isn't a friend of the wife then the message will go into the 'other' box and may never be read (or at least for some time) so she may get away with it

crazykat · 20/02/2014 21:03

I wouldn't like it but I'd want to know if my partner was cheating on me.

drnoitall · 20/02/2014 21:07

I would want to know.
What an twat "James" sounds.

drnoitall · 20/02/2014 21:07

A twat

FederationPresidentBarryFife · 20/02/2014 21:10

Jesus that is awful. No she should NOT have done that. My god - poor woman (wife).

WanderingAway · 20/02/2014 21:14

I think if i was your friend i would have done the same and i dont think i would have warned him that i was going to because that could have given him time to come up with an excuse.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/02/2014 21:30

I think I find it harder to swallow because I know she didn't do it out of concern for the wife and children - if she was that concerned about them then she'd never have started the affair in the first place. She did it to have power over James and to do something she knew would piss him off.

normal - that's interesting what you said about how the message may go to another area of Katie's inbox and so may not be read, as my friend did say she found it odd there'd been no response.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 20/02/2014 21:36

Agree her intentions may not have been the best, but the wife has a right to know.

Topaz25 · 20/02/2014 21:38

The message would be very upsetting but I think the wife does have a right to know her husband is cheating. I would want to know rather than live a lie. Since he has been cheating and presumably having unprotected sex with his wife she needs to get herself tested for STIs, I'm not saying your friend has anything but she may not have been the only other person he was sleeping with. Why should your friend have warned James before telling his wife? He's a liar, he would just have made up another lie. OTOH your friend does sound selfish for continuing to date James when she knew he was married and messaging his wife for her own reasons.

Davidhasselhoffstoecheese · 20/02/2014 21:41

Id want to know

comicsansisevil · 20/02/2014 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeWe · 20/02/2014 21:45

I suspect though that "James" will just say something along the lines of "oh she flung herself on me, I refused and she said she'd do that to get revenge".

Proseccoisnotrah · 20/02/2014 21:46

I would never have done that. But I also think she deserves to know. Hmm.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 20/02/2014 21:49

The way the affair has been played out certainly indicates that my friend is definitely not the first girl James has been having fun with on the side!! I do think his partner (not sure if they are actually married) needs to know, but via FB?? But then again, what other way is there??

OP posts:
DoJo · 20/02/2014 21:50

I think she did the right thing - after all if he has done this once, he may well do again and if he is having sex with someone else then he is risking his wife's health. I wouldn't want to be having sex with someone who was having sex with someone else unless I was confident in my precautions and able to make that choice for myself.

PedantMarina · 20/02/2014 21:59

Sometimes when you're being stalked and harrassed, you take whatever control you can. Not her finest hour, but if she brought some illumination to another woman's life, and taught some guy a lesson in how not to treat TWO women, it can't be a wholly bad thing.

chateauferret · 20/02/2014 22:09

If he was harassing her after she'd ended things and there is evidence (messages) the correct approach is surely to go to the police, isn't it not?

VulvaBeaker · 20/02/2014 22:13

So happily conducted an affair with a married father, then having decided to conclude the affair, without warning decides to blow the gaff on the whole thing.

Honestly as much as James needs a fucking good kicking, that's a really shitty thing to do and I think makes your friend seem like a really dodgy person. Watch yourself around that one.

PedantMarina · 21/02/2014 06:06

Of course, going to the police is what one should do - I would have suggested it, despite some pretty pathetic non-help from them recently - but some women, not completely unreasonably, wouldn't trust them to do what's needed in a situation like this. Whereas, if his wife - the woman he lives with - was informed, that was going to vastly change the dynamic.

I was mainly referring to OP's point about her friend needing to have "power over James".

meditrina · 21/02/2014 06:20

OP refers to "girls". How young do you mean? I'm assuming over age of consent for OP's friend because of the range of technology and type of life described.

But another poster mentioned harrassment could be a police matter. And it should definitely be a police matter if the normal meaning of 'girl' as female child applies (up to 18 if the man has an authority position, such as teacher). Especially if the other "girls" could be younger.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 21/02/2014 06:23

Does your friend think that by destroying this woman's bubble of family heaven James will be chucked out and come back to her?

He won't.
He will tell his wife that your friend is a mad stalker bitch, that they were introduced by mutual friends and simply chatted innocuously about something, then your friend turned into mad bunny boiler woman who has harassed him ever since. The wife will believe him.

And our James will sleep easily.

Your friend did not do this because the wife has a "right to know". She did it out of pure bloody spite that James goes home to his wife every night smelling of her. "If my relationship with the lovely James has gone down the pan, then she's not having him either".

And yes, the correct (and obvious) thing to do would be the police. That she hasn't informed them, might just indicate that you are getting just one side of a very yawny and oft played out poor quality ITV drama plot here.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 21/02/2014 06:23

Oh and James will convince his wife that he never, no not once, had sex with your friend.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 21/02/2014 06:27

Obviously, she could also have just blocked his phone number, as it seems from your OP that she continued to accept his texts, but there was no actual physical harassment?

But that wouldn't have been nearly so nice and dramatic for her would it?

"I binned a bloke coz I found out he was married"
"He texted me loads"
"I blocked his number"

Compared with:

"I binned a bloke cos I found out he was married"
"He texted me loads and I texted him back to tell him to stop it"
He didn't.
I met up with him. (wise move, is she very intelligent, your friend? Hmm)
He still didn't understand, so I contacted the wifey and the sky fell in"

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