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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder if my friend did the right thing? (OW)

53 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 20/02/2014 20:38

I posted a few months ago about my friend who confided in me she had started seeing a guy (lets call him James) who was already in a long term relationship and had 2 or 3 children (can't remember which) and that the youngest was only a 4 month old baby.

When my friend had first met James she wasn't aware of his situation and only found out for herself when she looked him up on Facebook and found lots of 'Happy Family' photographs of him and his partner (lets call her Katie) etc. My friend confronted James but continued seeing him as apparently they '"had something special'"

Anyway - I saw my friend again today (I had withdrawn from her a little because I felt uncomfortable about it all) and she told me she had realised she was in the wrong and that last week she met up with James for the last time to tell him it was over. She said she'd been telling him this for some time via phone calls but because he'd been continually ringing/texting her she had met up with him face to face to make him see how serious she was and make him realise that him contacting her had to stop.

However, James continued to text my friend and leave voice messages on her phone etc saying he wanted to see her and he didn't want their affair to end and as a result my friend decided to tell Katie what James has been up to!!! Last night my friend sent a message to Katie via Facebook and told her that James has been cheating on her for over 6 months and relayed what James had been saying about his 'unhappy relationship' etc. My friend wrote in the message that as James had continued to harass her after she'd try to end things she thought it only fair that Katie knew what type of man she was with!

I was Shock

She had not previously threatened to do this - i.e James had not been forewarned that unless he accepted it was over then my friend would tell Katie what was going on. My friend just took it upon herself to 'break the news'.

I'm all up for cheaters getting their comeuppance but all I can think about is poor Katie, opening up a Facebook message and reading that!! Can you imagine receiving a message from some random woman claiming to have been having an affair with your partner of 8 years who you have children with, let alone a new born with!!!

Would you have done that???
AIBU to think that maybe it wasn't the best decision my friend made??

OP posts:
NotJustACigar · 21/02/2014 06:30

If your friends message has been rd by Katie it will have a little tick mark next to it. Without this tick mark it will be languishing unread in the "other" inbox.

Though I don't think your "friend" is a nice person, if I were Katie I would definitely want to know. Doubt I would respond to your friend, though.

JumpingJackSprat · 21/02/2014 07:11

I don't understand women who say they wouldn't want to know. It doesn't sound like the friends wants James back tbh or she wouldn't have been trying to end it all this time. How much worse would katie feel if he kept shagging around for another ten yearsbefore she found out. She has a chance to sort it now unless she wants to bury her head in the sand and "forgive" him.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 21/02/2014 07:18

I think, despite the premise of the OP's question, would you want to know? (and of course, most of us would, then we'd get his balls in the garlic crusher) the real issue is why the friend decided to tell the wife.

And whatever her reasons, whatever the reasons she chooses to believe herself, it won't make her feel any better.

perfectview · 21/02/2014 07:49

It sounds as if she did it to stop him hassling her as much as anything. Selfish IMO.

feelingvunerable · 21/02/2014 08:06

Serves James right.

Feel sorry for the wife though.

LucyLasticBand · 21/02/2014 08:09

why does your friend expect a reply though?

i hope she isnt planning on seeing james again.

ViviPru · 21/02/2014 08:21

I agree with DrankSangria's drama theory.

Also, FB messages generally display 'read' notifications. Yes you can disable that but it's not widely known and I doubt having read such a bombshell message your first though would be googling how to disable 'read' notifications on FB so there's a high chance your friend will know if she sees it.

The other point is that as someone said upthread, messages from people you aren't friends with do go to a different inbox and every so often on FB someone will realise this, post a status sharing this fact and it will become a 'thing' for a bit with everyone cottoning on and checking the 'other' inbox, then it dies down and everyone forgets about it till the next time.

So your friend may well have planted a lovely little time bomb. She won't get the drama and continuation of this saga with her as the star that she possibly hoped for. Not right now, anyway. There's every chance it won't be till she's settled and happy with someone else, minding her own business with James a faceless forgotten part of history, then it will come back to haunt her. Oh dear.

Cringechilli · 21/02/2014 08:49

Having been cheated on, I would just want to know if I was in the wife's position. In fact the person who told me did it for selfish reasons (and admitted this plainly to me) but I am grateful for the knowledge anyway. It gives the wife some control back over her own life. Maybe FB is a shitty way to find out but presumably your friend couldn't think of a better way.

HmmAnOxfordComma · 21/02/2014 08:55

I've always received messages from people I'm not friends with straight into my normal inbox, just spam ones in the 'other' box.

Regardless, OP's friend didn't necessarily have a choice of how else to get in touch, did she?

I also don't believe 'Katie' would necessarily believe 'James' if he tries to lie his way out of it. She could very well already have huge suspicions.

And I really, really don't get women (or men) saying they'd rather not know if their partner was cheating on them. At the very least you're talking about your own health being at risk, even if emotionally you think you'd rather be in the dark.

differentnameforthis · 21/02/2014 09:12

Most of you are making Katie out to be pretty dumb. Which I don't think is fair.

1] like me, she may just check her other box regularly, as all it takes is a glance it the top of the screen to see if the word 'other' has a number next to it

2] she may not believe his bullshit. She may have doubts, just doesn't have the evidence to back it up, like so many women who come on here asking for advice after finding a dodgy receipt/second phone etc. Or wondering why her dh is so possessive of his phone.

Fairenuff · 21/02/2014 09:50

I think she did the right thing in telling the wife. I don't see why she should give him any warning, he wasn't taking any notice of what she was telling him, he doesn't deserve that respect.

As for the wife, better to know than not know, imo, she can get out of this awful relationship. Even if she doesn't believe it, the seed is planted.

Callani · 21/02/2014 11:47

She did the right thing for the completely wrong reasons and not in the nicest of ways.

But at least the wife has been told now - I'd much rather know that not.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 21/02/2014 11:48

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

James works away from home for periods of time (3-4 days) and when he is working away he is based in the area that I and my friend live - hence why they have been able to carry out this affair without Katie having a clue. Whilst he is over here he is always with a team of 5 colleagues who obviously know he has a long term partner and children but James has never hidden my friend and their 'relationship' from them and my friend has often socialised with them all as a big group. It is this blasé attitude that indicates to me that having 'fun on the side is something quite normal to him, expected of him and obviously his friends are quite happy to cover for him.

Sorry for the use of the word 'girls' - it's just habit, I always use it. I'm 30 and still call myself a girl Smile

My friend has since said she decided to tell Katie because whilst James was continuing to text her she couldn't "Get over him" Hmm My friend is convinced she and James had something special, that he really liked her and their feelings were genuine - hence why she needs to be left alone to try and forget about him. She said telling Katie was the only way she could think of to make everything stop.

I agree with everyone though who has said he will lie his way out of it.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 21/02/2014 12:10

So the wife is the last to know Sad

Hopefully, if she talks to others about it now, more will come out. People who felt bad saying nothing, might feel that they can now tell her.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 21/02/2014 12:15

I would want to know if I was married to a wanker who would cheat on me while I was home with a newborn. :(

What a cunt "James" is.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 21/02/2014 12:16

It is this blasé attitude that indicates to me that having 'fun on the side is something quite normal to him

well in that case she was doubly right to say some thing.

Prick.

Jolleigh · 21/02/2014 12:38

I broke off an 8 month relationship after discovering my ex wasn't separated from his wife and was actually living with her, not with the friend where I used to visit him who'd gone along with the charade. After I broke it off, he wouldn't leave me alone and I'd receive endless texts on 'special occasions' (Christmas, New Year, Valentines) telling me what he was doing with his family and saying he'd give it all up and move out if I took him back, loves me, can't live without me, wife doesn't understand him like I do, etc.

I managed to get hold of the wife's email address (I knew her name and that she had her own baking business) and I told her absolutely everything. It was a huge shock for her...but she thanked me.

Your friend did the right thing telling the man's partner.

PedantMarina · 22/02/2014 07:42

writer, please do send your friend over here. she might want to lurk only on some threads and around some posters, though. but she could deffo do with reading chumplady's blogsite. some real hard-hitting good sense there.

but bottom line, no, she was never anything special to James. nobody but himself is ever special to a cheater.

best of luck to you both, and especially Katie.

AmberNectarine · 22/02/2014 07:50

Ah, bollocks - after being alerted to the existence of an 'other' mailbox on FB, I have just discovered I won a competition a year ago and never claimed the prize.

But anyway, I would want to know, so while it may have been for selfish reasons, it was probably the right thing to do.

MorrisZapp · 22/02/2014 08:03

Don't tell your friend to come here, she will be roasted alive. She did the right thing, but for the 'wrong reasons'. OW wouldn't be allowed to have right reqasons for doing anything on here, they are only wrong. This James guy sounds like a total tool, I should imagine Katie had her suspicions.

missmagnum · 22/02/2014 08:15

She did the right thing in telling her, even though her intentions were selfish.

Hope kate is ok, I received a similar message but by text many years ago, completely out of the blue. I remember it word for word and how my world crashed down in an instant. That ow didn't leave it at that though and continued to bombard me with messages and calls saying how hurt she was too etc. I had to change my number in the end and it was a lot of extra unnecessary stress. I hope your friend just backs off now.

nooka · 22/02/2014 08:17

No the OP's friend didn't do the 'right' thing. She sent what sounds like an extremely hurtful message to someone because she wanted a bit of drama. My dh had an affair, and it was really quite shit. It would have been a whole lot more shit to have got an email from his ex telling me all the nasty lies he had been telling her about me.

This is at the level of the school yard, it sounds to me as if the friend just wanted to spread her pain around a bit, get her revenge on 'James', fuck up the competition, and maybe hope that James gets kicked out and is available to her again. If she had just wanted to cut contact all she had to do is change her phone number/block his calls.

None of this in any way absolves James from being a nasty shit either, nor am I saying that covering up affairs is a good thing, or that warning should have been given but no it was not a good thing.

My dh had his affair with another married person, and I did think for a while about contacting her husband, and then I thought what an incredibly shitty, revenge driven action that would be. So I didn't.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/02/2014 08:19

If James stops hassling her now then I would presume the wife read it...

I dunno if it was 'the right thing' - the whole thing was wrong but I would have done it. Why not? Is she meant to just listen to James prattling on forever?

Whatisaweekend · 22/02/2014 09:32

she needs to be left alone to get over him. God it's all about her, isn't it?! Has she once given any thought to the fact that she has helped to blow a family apart?? (yes, obviously 'James' is by far the worst one in this scenario but still...)

I would be dropping this 'friend' like a hot brick. She is a grade A selfish bitch.

Wantsunshine · 22/02/2014 09:45

I think she did the right thing. I would want to know. I wouldn't care why the other woman told me just wouldn't want to be kept in the dark and stay with a seedy prick like this James character,

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