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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU at the pool

106 replies

Bellini81 · 18/02/2014 15:45

My son has swimming lessons at our local pool.
The training pool is in half for the 2 different groups of learners. One side is a bit younger than his side. Say 5-6 years old.

They all finish at the same time & as my son climbed out to be wrapped in a towel one of the fathers of the younger group pushed his daughter to me and said 'you take her into ladies and shower her' I politely said I couldn't do that as 1: that was the first time I had even set eyes on this girl and her on me and 2: I was planning on just throwing my sons clothes on and get him into a bath at home which we often do after swimming.

He huffed and sighed and I left.

The next set of lessons swing by and the same dad did EXACTLY the same thing to me pushed his daughter to me and demand I shower her.

I said to him that again I didn't feel comfortable showering a girl I didn't know and he got a bit aggressive and said 'what the fuck am I supposed to do then?' I said 'well when my husband takes our daughter she showers and dresses in the men's room with him'

He got really angry and paced around so I got our bits and hurried into the changing room with my son.

About a minute later the same dad stormed into the women's changing room with his daughter and shoved her under the shower with lots of naked women going "oiii" so he pointed to me and said 'it's her fault as she wouldn't shower her'...
He left pretty quickly after that and got his daughter dressed by the pool as when I left there was a lifeguard there with the man and again he was gesturing at me saying 'fucking this, fucking that'.

I explained to the lifeguard that he was being really aggressive because I refused to shower a child I don't know and he just sort of nodded.

I mean was I being really really unreasonable?

My son prefers the men's changing room but I don't randomly ask men if they could take my son and shower him? Why was it any different for a woman to do it? Would you have just showered her to save the aggro I eventually got?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 18/02/2014 17:57

Yanbu at all

That's awful....my dp took our 3.5 dd to her lesson this morning and I've just told him....he's shocked.

Especially him walking into the ladiesBlush

ProudAS · 18/02/2014 17:58

YANBU at all OP. In this day and age I don't feel comfortable being alone with a young girl in changing room.

CoffeeTea103 · 18/02/2014 17:58

This reply has been deleted

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pixiepotter · 18/02/2014 17:59

'pixie hmm He was wearing his clothes. He wasn't in the pool, it was a lesson.
Tlking about the kid's clothes not his!! She must have gone in to the changing room alone to take them off so why couldn't she go in alone to put them on again.

Fairenuff · 18/02/2014 18:01

I'm astounded that you didn't report him to the manager there and then.

ProudAS · 18/02/2014 18:02

Probably too shocked to report him! I can't see any other reason.

TheScience · 18/02/2014 18:03

It's massively tiresome when posters come on threads just to say "I don't believe this". If you don't believe it, why bother posting about it?

pixiepotter · 18/02/2014 18:13

And what has your own massively tiresomepost added to the debate theScience? Why did you bother posting?

SofiaAmes · 18/02/2014 18:14

I would have given him the benefit of the doubt and maybe been a bit kinder. Maybe his wife passed away recently, or who knows what. It doesn't sound like you were very kind to him. I can think of a dozen reasons why he might have been abrupt, without intending to be rude. If you were really worried about the poor child, maybe saying something kind and soothing to her father to calm him instead of giving him the not very reasonable suggestion of taking his daughter into the men's might have been more helpful to him and therefore to his daughter. Could you possibly have kindly said, that you didn't have time to watch his daughter shower, but would show her how to turn the shower on to a good temperature (in my experience this is generally where a child can have problems showering by themselves). Or maybe you could have just suggested that it would probably be more practical for the girl to shower at home and suggest that she just take off her wet suit and get dressed. I know that sounds obvious, but it's not to everyone, and again, it would have been kinder to give him the benefit of the doubt as to why he was so abrupt and maybe just offered a helping hand.

Frankly, it's one of the things that I disliked the most about living in England was the lack of kindness in strangers.

pixiepotter · 18/02/2014 18:16

what does 'showering' a child actually entail.He just meant to keep an eye on her surely.I wouldn't have minded

tallulah · 18/02/2014 18:24

Did you look like a member of staff perhaps? Similar outfit?

TheScience · 18/02/2014 18:31

Sofia - why is it unreasonable to suggest taking the child into the men's changing room, surely that is what dads normally do? Why should anyone have to be kind and soothing to an aggressive, swearing man? Sounds like the OP was perfectly polite, explained why she couldn't do what he wanted and suggested an alternative.

petalsandstars · 18/02/2014 18:36

I'd hardly call aggressive and swearing "abrupt" sofia

SauvignonBlanche · 18/02/2014 18:36

maybe saying something kind and soothing to her father to calm him instead of giving him the not very reasonable suggestion of taking his daughter into the men's might have been more helpful to him and therefore to his daughter

That was the most helpful advice she could have given, he may not have realised that accepted protocol is that it is the gender of the adult that takes priority.

SpottyDottie · 18/02/2014 18:38

Aren't there showers by the poolside? Most families I've seen just get out of the pool and with costumes still on rinse off there then go to cubicles to change. Its part of a leisure centre so there are individual showers but mostly swimmers use the poolside ones.

He was out of order just shoving her onto you but I'm a bit Hmm him taking her into the mens where it seems you can see naked showerers (is that a word??) and likewise he shouldn't go into the ladies. But I guess he thought he could!! dickhead

HighlanderMam · 18/02/2014 18:39

Oh FFS, RTFT spotty

It's not even a long thread.

TheseAreTheJokesFolks · 18/02/2014 18:42

I do not think you were being unreasonable. Turning it around I don't think I would ever ask a random dad to shower my son. Nor would I expect my other half to palm off dd on a random mum.
But that said we are both naked round the house a lot so I guess nudity - particularly in Germany - isn't a big deal.
I have helped out a dad though with his two dds - he was very apologetic and embarrassed as the youngest was kicking off about going to the male section but her elder sister didn't want responsibility for her in the ladies section and they both had really long waist long hair and he had forgotten the conditioner...
I won't forget the look of relief on his face when I took them into the communal ladies section and gave them copious amounts of shampoo and conditioner.
But he was lovely, grateful, non-aggressive, wouldn't have asked had I not offered and reminded me of me in early swimming days of me+kids+shitwherestheconditioner so very different circumstances.

Out of interest to all of you:

At what age is it inappropriate for a boy to be in the girls

At what age is it inappropriate for a girl to be in the boys

At what age have your kids been able to shower/change alone

At what age were your dc when you/dp covered up around the house?

Does gender affect that at all? i.e. okay for mum to be naked around daughters and dad around sons but not the opposite or will kids want to bleach their eyeballs from a certain age if they see either parent in the buff?

Children of nudists - who are now parents - any effect of your upbringing on your attitude to nudity/your own parenting?

Am not a nudist, just not always clothed iyswim, but do remember my mum being the same but being mortified seeing dad naked once when I would have been around ten.

TheScience · 18/02/2014 18:45

Usually children go into the changing room with their parent until about 8, after than they need to go in the right changing room for their own gender. I'd expect an 8 year old to be able to shower and dress themselves if no additional needs.

foreverondiet · 18/02/2014 18:52

To be honest if you are really bothered about your 5/6 girl seeing naked men, you just take a tracksuit to the pool. Give the cossie and her a quick rub, tracksuit over the cossie and then coat and shoes on (no need for socks!) and deal with it at home. Not a big deal.

I probably would have taken someone else's child into the woman's changing room if she was basically of an age she could get showered and dressed herself - say 7/8. As then just looking out for her rather than dressing her. At 7 my DD had to ask someone to turn on and off the shower if she was on her own, now at 10 she can reach!!!

For a 5/6 year old would say just take her to the men's with you.

Megrim · 18/02/2014 18:53

The reasoning is that an 8 year old is able to change themselves and emerge from the changing room without falling into the deep end.

SpottyDottie · 18/02/2014 18:54

I thought I did read the full thread HighlanderMam! Oh well.....

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 18/02/2014 19:15

Pretty sure that this is a gross exaggeration.

Original poster
Bellini81 · 18/02/2014 20:14

I can reassure the ones who think this is made up, I have better things to do with my time!

I spoke to a lifeguard at the time who was dealing with irate dad who sort of just nodded at my explanation.

I live in north London and come across quite a few people who may not be the full package regarding their mental health on tubes/buses and I always always seem to attract their attention, maybe I have a friendly face, I didn't offer a kind word to the dad as I am paying for the lessons and I don't always shower my own child, I usually just want to get home if I am honest so I wasn't exactly going to hang around to shower his daughter.

I wasn't asking anyone to proof read my experience and tell me if it was true or not, how tedious.

I was just asking if I was BU and thank you to those who reassured me I was not.

OP posts:
HighlanderMam · 18/02/2014 20:18

Just for you spotty from OP's post at -Tue 18-Feb-14 15:59:43

There are no family rooms and no poolside showers no. Its not the biggest of pools around.

kotinka · 18/02/2014 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.