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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shaking with anger at this advice RE controlling behaviour

57 replies

FlockOfTwats · 17/02/2014 15:52

Friend has met a man. Very very recently.

She has young children (Twins) and had planned to use a personal trainer to get fit. New man recommended his cousin (Female). Friend would prefer to use the PT recommended by her friends. (Male).

New mans cousin uses her home and local parks (?) Recommended PT uses a gym.

New man has thrown his toys out the pram because she said she will be gong with the recommended PT, Very professional man, all positive recommendations and feedback from others who have used him.

New man has been in a mood with her over it and has said;
Why are you using recommended PT when you could use my cousin, bet its because its a man, no doubt youll be showing him cleavage

Try not to jump into bed with him just because he's got tattoos

if he's not good enough there is no point in their relationship because she will probably find someone at the gym

IMO its controlling behaviour and ive told her quite plainly to run and not look back. Others are saying she should reassure him, dont give up on him yet, he might just be insecure?! (thats the bit im angry about). AIBU To be angry and feel that this sort of advice just encourages controlling and eventually full on abusive relationships?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 17/02/2014 16:34

It has nothing to do with anybody but your friend which personal trainer she uses. And people should look for small signs of trouble because a couple of years down the line they will be magnified ten thousand times.

Original poster
FlockOfTwats · 17/02/2014 16:35

If i didn't have the baby sleeping on me i might have just thrown something.

She asked if maybe he is like this because she slept with him soon into the relationship.

Answer from one person; "Probably, thats how most men are"

OP posts:
Hissy · 17/02/2014 16:36

Totally love your NN Flock Have seen it before and it made me smile. I do wonder if that is the correct collective noun, but....it'll do for now!

I agree, she needs tell him to FTFO!

KoalaFace · 17/02/2014 16:36

Sad oh this makes me so miserable. Your poor friend, I really hope she takes your advice.

And what you wise PPs have already said about her friends and society in general telling her that her feelings don't matter and he needs reassuring is so true and it makes me despair.

Original poster
FlockOfTwats · 17/02/2014 16:38

She is saying that if shes honest, it cant go any further, shes been with controlling man before and isnt willing to do it again.

Ive told her im right behind her and if she needs to talk im here any time.

Woman who said most men are like that "Isnt allowed male friends" :(

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 17/02/2014 16:39

Show her this thread! She owns him nothing. His problems are his own.

This isn't a 'relationship', this is just going out.

A lot people get way too invested in anyone they date, hence, threads on here with posters referring to someone as a 'partner' whom they have known for 5 minutes.

It's okay to dump someone you are dating because you no longer like them or enjoy their company.

ginnybag · 17/02/2014 16:42

Bin him.

Less than a month, and he's being anything other than absolutely lovely?

Heck, no. If this is his 'best' side, I don't think she wants to see 'bad'.

Life's too short for nonsense like this!

DebbieOfMaddox · 17/02/2014 16:47

No, he's like that because he's a controlling arse, who might as well be doing a morris dance given the number of red flags that he's waving.

It is possible that he's an insecure controlling arse, rather than a secure controlling arse, but the words CONTROLLING and ARSE are the important ones here, rather than speculations on his rich inner life.

Stockhausen · 17/02/2014 16:51

Dump & run. Arsehole.

Original poster
FlockOfTwats · 17/02/2014 16:55

She's told him she cant continue with him.. Surprise surprise. Imediate apologetic texts... Praying she sees through this!

OP posts:
Original poster
FlockOfTwats · 17/02/2014 16:56

I think if she starts wavering i will tell her i asked on here and show her the replies just so she can see how wrong his behaviour is.

OP posts:
DebbieOfMaddox · 17/02/2014 16:59

This isn't a simple "oops, I goofed" thing he can apologise for. pictish has it spot on at 16:12 -- he's told her a huge amount about himself and she ought to listen because his essential character isn't going to change.

Callani · 17/02/2014 17:08

This is a classic case of when someone shows (tells) you are they are, believe them - she needs to run for the hills.

spindoctorofaethelred · 17/02/2014 17:11

Ditch. Now.

Insecure, eh?

Even IF he's merely "insecure", then she should STILL end the fledgling relationship. He's obviously incapable of handling his isshoos right now, and he shouldn't be in a relationship until he's had enough therapy to avoid inflicting it on a partner.

Your friend is entitled to personal happiness for herself. She isn't obliged to date someone who is hard work as a person. She is obliged to look after her children, and I cannot see that they'll benefit from this man in their lives, or from seeing their mother miserable.

Hissy · 17/02/2014 17:16

"Probably, thats how most men are"

Oh yeah?

Really?

REALLY???

She really does need to bin him, with no discussion, no nothing, he doesn't even deserve it pointing out to him what a total loser he really is.

PLEEEEAAASSEE get her to read the thread? or just pop in here when she has dumped his sorry misogynistic arse?

expatinscotland · 17/02/2014 17:22

Tell her to block this fucker on her phone so he cannot text her.

OR, tell him, 'You are not to contact me anymore. Any more contact is harassment and I will go to the police.'

And mean it.

SomethingOnce · 17/02/2014 17:47

No, he's like that because he's a controlling arse, who might as well be doing a morris dance given the number of red flags that he's waving.

Love it.

"Dump him, sweetheart - he's a morris dancer!"

Pixel · 17/02/2014 17:48

In this case I think 'reassure him' would translate as 'walk straight into his trap'. Honestly it's no wonder so many women find themselves in controlling abusive relationships when they get that sort of advice from other women who are supposed to be on their side!

BetsyBoop · 17/02/2014 18:00

No, he's like that because he's a controlling arse, who might as well be doing a morris dance given the number of red flags that he's waving.

^that^

expatinscotland · 17/02/2014 18:25

You see it here all the time.

OP posts about someone she's been seeing for 5 minutes who is, by action, proving himself a knobber.

And you get, 'Give him another chance,' 'Maybe you just need to show him,' 'He's probably just feeling intimidated' or 'Why not chat it out?/Have a serious discussion,' other nonsense. Serious discussion? After a few dates? You should be discussing where to go for dinner at that point.

You don't have to give anyone you have known for 5 minutes a moment of your time if you don't want to, for whatever reason.

This is in no way indicative of your future relationship status except that you probably won't end up with an arsehole in your future.

OwlinaTree · 17/02/2014 18:30

She should dump him.

Sorry, I'm lolling at ' try not to jump into bed with him just cos he's got tattoos'

Think that comment from him says it all really, he doesn't have much respect for your friend and is obviously very insecure.

FryOneFatManic · 17/02/2014 19:01

I think she should make sure she doesn't waver. He really doesn't sound nice at all.

Chippednailvarnish · 17/02/2014 19:04

Get her to jog past him in a low cut top with the male trainer whilst flipping him the bird...

KissesBreakingWave · 17/02/2014 19:43

Fuming at the "All men are like that" bit. Although it's understandable that that's the impression going around when we've got the likes of the bellend in the OP representing.

Conclusion: dump, soonest, and if practical clout with a well-swung sack of doorknobs on the way out.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 17/02/2014 20:13

It would be upsetting if it were a husband who said it, they're harder to get rid of.

This guy you just dump and forget. What a loser