Is my friend BU or is her DP?

[Morgause]

DF had been a SAHM for 10 years. When her youngest started school her DP said she should get a job. She was not averse to this but her previous career was not open to her without extensive retraining and she struggled to find anything that fitted in with school hours.

However, a year ago she found work at a local theatre. She has some set hours during the day but mostly it is evening work, 3 evenings a week (5pm - 9pm) with occasional extra shifts to provide cover for colleagues. She is also expected to work on rare Sundays when there is a special event.

This was working well until her DH took up a hobby that he is devoting a lot of time to. She doesn't mind this but what she does mind is that he expects her to find (and pay for) childcare when she's working and he wants to be pursuing his hobby. She says that it's up to him to find (and pay for) childcare if he chooses to pursue a hobby while she's at work.

Mumsnet jury he is being unreasonable, isn't he?

He is.

He is being unreasonable

Yes he's being a knob, and he should absolutely be sorting the childcare.

He is

Is he a knob in other ways?

Oh and the opinion on here is that there should be a family pot of money, not his and hers. So presumably they needed her to go back to work for financial reasons? Can they afford childcare for his hobby? And if her money is spending money for her, she should NOT have to pay for childcare to enable him to do HIS hobby. Sounds very wrong to me.

He sounds like a twat

He doesn't do much around the house but DF had been happy with that until now. He is a very good dad, though, and takes the children off on adventures and plans lovely holidays for them all.

He is being unreasonable and sounds very selfish.

If he pays her for her childcare work while he works and she is at home every day then that's fair enough.

Presumably she looks after the DC out of school hours when he is at work? If she got a daytime hobby would he pay for childcare?

Why isn't it all family money anyway?

But the adventures and lovely holidays must only happen when he isn't doing his hobby ? Knob.

Sounds like he's been used to calling the shots for 10 years whilst she raised the kids and now expects to carry on being totally uninconvenienced even now circumstances have changed.

Your friend should leave all childcare arrangements to him. Leave early for her shift if she has to, so he either has to make suitable arrangements for the kids or stay home to "babysit" (he sounds like one of those) and miss his own activity.

He's a knob.

1. Doesn't it all come from the same pot anyway?
2. If not, he is bu. Hobby does not trump paid work, the arse.

Hibu

It's the money thing that's annoying DF most. She isn't earning a great deal so why should she spend it on childcare for his hobby?

Both lots of earnings are meant to be family money but he spends much more and thinks that's OK because he earns more.

She's paid in cash and he expects her to pay the sitter from that, I should have said.

She should tell him she already has childcare available for the dcs..... And then say it is THEIR FATHER.

Then he's a prick.

Right, so he thinks as a big important man he should not be inconvenienced by his children in any way.

His partner exists to make his life easier in what ever way he deems appropriate, not as a person in her own right.

He's a fucking knob.

He is being unreasonable, obviously!

Thanks, everyone. I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Time she put her foot down.

He sounds like a knob.