Is my friend BU or is her DP?

[Morgause]

DF had been a SAHM for 10 years. When her youngest started school her DP said she should get a job. She was not averse to this but her previous career was not open to her without extensive retraining and she struggled to find anything that fitted in with school hours.

However, a year ago she found work at a local theatre. She has some set hours during the day but mostly it is evening work, 3 evenings a week (5pm - 9pm) with occasional extra shifts to provide cover for colleagues. She is also expected to work on rare Sundays when there is a special event.

This was working well until her DH took up a hobby that he is devoting a lot of time to. She doesn't mind this but what she does mind is that he expects her to find (and pay for) childcare when she's working and he wants to be pursuing his hobby. She says that it's up to him to find (and pay for) childcare if he chooses to pursue a hobby while she's at work.

Mumsnet jury he is being unreasonable, isn't he?

When I started working nights Wed through to sun, my DH wanted to go fishing on a Sunday so I told him he had to organise childcare because I had to sleep.

His hobby , the childcare costs are simply part of the costs of the hobby and he should pay for it out of his money.

He may be a good Dad but what about being a good husband/partner? May be they should use the childcare and hobby money to go out and spend some time together without the kids instead? Or am I way off mark?

My ex is a bit of a knob but the times I was working and he wanted to indulge in his hobby he never once expected me to sort out childcare.
Your friends h wanted get to go back to work. It is her JOB not a frivolity to get her out the house.
If he wants to indulge in a hobby during her working hours he needs to sort out childcare. He is treating her job like it's of no importance.

Sorry I dont think he is a good Dad...being a good Dad is not being a Disney Dad and leaving the grind (cleaning washing etc) to someone else while they get to do the fun things. This is before he swans off without a thought doing his hobby expecting someone else top facilitate this

Why does it matter who pays? It all comes from the family pot at the end of the day. I'll never understand marriages like that. I think the problem is not so much with who should pay but with why are they splitting everything on his and hers.

Work trumps hobbies. Obviously. Sounds like a Disney dad to me...

Pigletin not everyone does it that way.OH and I have always kept our own money separate. This argument wouldn't have arisen as the childcare costs would be directly related to the hobby so he would pay.

Caitlin, I agree,...my husband and I both have separate accounts and don't have a common pot. But we do share things and it's never a question of who should pay for what as there is an understanding that even though money is in separate accounts it is "ours." It's more the "mine" and "yours" in the OP's post that to me is an indication of a bigger problem. But hey, maybe I'm reading too much into this.

he is being a knob

Hubby should arrange and pay for the childcare.

Piglet if we shared our money dp would just spend everything. He has no financial sense. Yes it is a flaw and something which irritates me but no one is perfect and we found a solution we can live with.