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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engagement gift.

55 replies

Cravey · 14/02/2014 16:26

Going to a party tomorrow. Lovely couple. No gift list. Spoke to the chap and asked what they would like. He replies a new bed. So monetary gift towards that. Ok that's fine but how much do I give ? We are not close as such. These sort of things really stress me out. My husband says a card and fifty pound should do it. Does that sound right ?

OP posts:
PavlovtheCat · 14/02/2014 18:57

cravey that sounds perfect! especially the one bottle for you too!its such a shame weddings a cause so much stress for people around presents etc, we simply said please don't by us anything, we really just want a fab party with our friends after celebrating our love for each other, and all we wanted as for them to be there with us.

Kundry · 14/02/2014 19:18

I've never brought a gift to a party unless it was a birthday/wedding party - am I wrong?

Although thinking about it, most parties are birthday parties so it could be confusing Confused

Original poster
Cravey · 14/02/2014 19:20

Kundry that's stumped me too. I thought you just took a gift if it was a party. Seems not. Ah well it's sorted now. Thanks to all.

OP posts:
cjel · 14/02/2014 20:08

We had lots of gifts for engagements, smaller than wedding but didn't ask they just arrived!! It was 35 years ago thoughSmile

I would give £15=25 (if anything) if Ididn't know them well. Probably just a card tbh.

diddl · 14/02/2014 20:16

Well if they live together & have everything it's difficult anyway.

But I always thought that an engagement party was to celebrate with your friends, not for gifts.

And for the wedding-teaspoons!

You can never have enough!

Original poster
Cravey · 14/02/2014 20:20

Teaspoons. I shall bear that in mind. Would save the stressing that I normally do. I think I'm the only person in the world who likes gift lists. It gives me great satisfaction when one falls out of a wedding invite.

OP posts:
diddl · 14/02/2014 20:35

We needed stuff when we married as we hadn't lived together & husband's house was mainly odds & sods that his parents had given.

Some friends of my parents gave us teaspoons, saying that you can never have enough.

They were right & funnily enough it's one of the few things I remember present wise nearly 20yrs on!

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 14/02/2014 20:41

I always thought that an engagement party was to celebrate with your friends, not for gifts

This^^ Why you need engagement gifts when you're having a wedding which will have a gift list, I don't know. It's just grabby.

Just take a bottle like you would at any other party.

2rebecca · 14/02/2014 20:42

I'd get nothing. Getting engaged isn't a thing in itself in my view, it's just telling people you plan to get married shortly (if it's not shortly it's a total nonevent). You give the present and celebrate when they get married.
Expecting presents just for making a decision seems very grabby to me.

Nannyme1 · 14/02/2014 20:46

I don't think it's very grabby. People want to celebrate it.
I was very surprised when I moved over and lots of friends got married and it wasn't the done thing to have a big engagement party (and that when they did have a no I wasn't expected to bring a gift... felt very odd).
It is just the done thing back home.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 14/02/2014 20:50

I would give a small token gift for the engagement & save the money for the actual wedding gift it's not a done deal that an engaged couple will actually get married so am not going to waste my money

squoosh · 15/02/2014 01:47

£50 as an engagement present for a couple you aren't all that close to seems beyond generous to me. A £25 bottle of fizz is more than enough.

Catsize · 15/02/2014 05:14

I wouldn't take a gift, other than wine, to an engagement party.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 15/02/2014 07:07

I wouldn't buy anything other than a card!

I have rude family and have received gift lists for an engagement and for a baby shower.

I didn't go to either - sent a card for the engagement.

Mia4 · 15/02/2014 09:27

I've never heard of, given or had engagement gifts. At parties, we've taken a bottle of champagne for B&G and a nice card. £50 is what I'd give at the wedding itself, I think the last three I went to were evening dos and I gave that.

Mia4 · 15/02/2014 09:28

Just managed to read page 2, glad you went for bubbly OP :)

OOAOML · 15/02/2014 10:03

We didn't have an engagement party, although someone at work who got engaged round about the same time did, and I think she mainly got small 'bottom drawer' type presents - kitchen utensils, tea towels that kind of thing. We got a few engagement presents - again, small kitchen things mainly, and a set of champagne flutes. I definitely think 50 is a lot for an engagement present (unless you think this they are just going to stay engaged and not actually get married) and I imagine a lot of people just do card and flowers/wine.

CleverClod · 15/02/2014 10:59

It's not grabby, it's just the way things used to be. Back in the day, when someone got engaged, people would buy them engagement presents to go in 'the bottom drawer' (bottom drawer - another tradition gone?). It's obviously fell out of fashion over the years with people living together, but it's not grabby (that's an awful thing to say), the engaged couple may have been brought up,with those traditions.

Caterina99 · 15/02/2014 22:17

We had an engagement party (about 5 years ago) at my parents house. We neither asked for nor expected gifts. It never crossed my mind.

Most people brought a card and a bottle of wine, some people brought a bottle of fizz, a few people brought actual presents, but nothing hugely expensive. I don't think guests choosing to take a gift to a party means the couple are "grabby"!

OP a card and a bottle sounds perfect for an engagement party to me

Original poster
Cravey · 16/02/2014 12:25

So we went to the party and took the lovely fizz and card. As I handed the bride to be the card her words were and I quote thank you this money will be used for making babies. I then handed her the fizz and said have a lovely night. They had mentioned buying a new bed in the past few weeks so I think she thought we had put money in the card. We hadn't. Whoops.

OP posts:
MaryBS · 16/02/2014 12:30

Its OK, they can use the fizz for setting the scene for making babies Grin

oliviafrombolivia · 16/02/2014 12:48

I once went to an engagement party which came with a proper 'list', from John Lewis or somewhere, just like a wedding list. They split up 6 months later....

ElaineVintage · 16/02/2014 14:58

Money towards a bed?! You must be joking! No way! A card is more than enough until the actual wedding day. It is grabby to expect anything pre nuptials!

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 16/02/2014 16:33

I'd have said 'it's empty pet, just like your brain is'

2rebecca · 16/02/2014 17:01

Guests choosing to take something to any sort of party doesn't mean the hosts are grabby, hosts expecting gifts, especially gifts of money are grabby, unless it's a wedding.