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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that you can tell an adult who was spoiled as a child a mile off?

54 replies

CrystalJelly · 13/02/2014 11:10

I do.

They are usually highly entitled, self absorbed and think that the entire world should revolve around them. I've met many people like this in my life, but two stand out more than the others.

The first was a boss I once had who, despite being in his late 30's would throw actual temper tantrums when things didn't go his way. He would literally stomp his feet like a toddler, we all used to call him "Kevin" after Kevin the teenager from Harry Enfield because that's exactly what he was like. His Mummy and Daddy had founded the business, they'd given him a management job right out of school despite him having no experience at all. He'd never had another job and lived in a house that was in his parents garden. He had deputy manager who was far better at the job than he was and who kept the place running, but he never gave her credit for it.

The other is the daughter of family friends. Very, very spoiled growing up is now horribly entitled as a result. Can't keep a job for more than a few weeks at a time, goes through friends like hot dinners and can't keep a boyfriend for very long either. She's so high maintenance and believes everyone is jealous of her and that all men fancy her, this is because her parents have conditioned her to think this way. I actually worry about her, because if god forbid anything were to happen to her parents she'd be up shit creek without a paddle.

Don't parents who spoil their kids realise they are doing them a terrible disservice?

OP posts:

mummywithsmiles · 13/02/2014 12:27

My mum spoiled me with material stuff etc ...wasn't a disservice ,I have grown up the opposite of spoilt lol

SauceForTheGander · 13/02/2014 12:29

In a way I envy their total self assuredness and confidence.

I couldn't be friends with them and I've abs

SauceForTheGander · 13/02/2014 12:30

I've abs? If only

I've absolutely met them, yes OP

Thurlow · 13/02/2014 12:30

I agree in some cases. I have a friend who is an only child and who was always given loads of presents, she often gauges affection and interest by the amount spent on her on birthdays etc. She is the textbook definition of an only child, really. I love her dearly, but it's always a struggle to get her to understand people sometimes have different interest, different expectations and different likes.

This is complete armchair psychology but I always suspect it comes from a childhood where she was able to do what she wanted, though less because she was spoilt but more because she was left alone most of the time even by her parents so has become very used, without realising it, to having things her own way.

AnnaLegovah · 13/02/2014 12:55

YANBU. I know a few people like this - I find they tend to gather the kind of people around them who believe the hype and feed it. Anyone who doesn't immediately buy into the 'its all about me' attitude and treat them like a prince/princess is dropped. And usually accused of being bitter or jealous .

I actually find these type of people have successful jobs as they project themselves well (whether or not they're actually good at their job is another story).

ChairmanWow · 13/02/2014 13:01

Yes! SIL's cousin, who sulked at the first family get-together after my niece was born because my niece was getting too much attention and everyone was ignoring her. My SIL was .

Joysmum · 13/02/2014 13:04

I know somebody who is the adult you described but they certainly weren't spoilt as a child, far from it. They were however spoilt as an adult.

Original poster

CrystalJelly · 13/02/2014 13:08

The girl mentioned in the OP once broke down in tears at a family gathering because her friends were unable to go out clubbing with her that night due to work commitments. She really did think that her wants and needs came before her friends jobs!

OP posts:

PoshPaula · 13/02/2014 13:11

What do you mean by 'spoiled'? With material goods, or with attention - or something else?

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 13/02/2014 13:12

I think it depends. I was spoilt rotten when I lived at home, but as soon as I moved out at 18 I was left to stand on my own two feet. Paid my way through university and now I live with my fiancé and we support ourselves with no help from anyone else.

I was privately educated, had the foreign holidays, the lot. Everyone I meet tells me "You don't act like a private school girl" or "You don't sound like you went to x". I now work part-time in retail. It genuinely depends on the person and how they were spoilt, I think.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 13/02/2014 13:15

It can even more often be people who were the opposite of spoilt who do that kind of stuff: they are so sensitive to feelings of being passed over that it triggers a grown-up tantrum.

drivenfromdistraction · 13/02/2014 13:18

I don't know if it's because of being 'spoilt' (i.e. being given a lot of material things / allowed to do what they want a lot)

I actually think that many of the people who behave this way as adults do it because of a LACK of emotional attention in their childhood (rather than because of too much attention IYSWIM). Nothing to do with material goods (although perhaps some parents shower down material things as a substitute for attention?) more to do with not having a strong emotional connection where they felt understood.

The selfish brattish all-about-me type of behaviour as an adult can be a kind of angry attempt to get that connection, in completely the wrong way.

PoshPaula · 13/02/2014 13:21

I agree driven. They are still trying to get that attention that they missed out on, instead of being confident in themselves so able to 'give' to others.

HandsOffMyGazBaz · 13/02/2014 13:24

Didn't take long for someone yo play the onky child card. Not all onlies are spoiled.

Spherical · 13/02/2014 13:25

By thurlow:

She is the textbook definition of an only child, really

I had no idea that the textbook definition of an only child went beyond not having any siblings!

persimmon · 13/02/2014 13:27

My DS is an only child and we have been careful not to spoil him.

Only child does not equal spoiled. Just so you know.

drivenfromdistraction · 13/02/2014 13:29

Going off slightly at a tangent, I also think that people who have a bit of a bee in their bonnet about children being spoiled, and about only children in particular, often have had childhoods where they felt they didn't have things that other children (siblings or friends) got, or that they required to be the 'sensible one' looking after younger siblings. They rationalise that as the other children (esp onlies or youngests) being 'spoiled', i.e. their experience was the 'right one'.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 13/02/2014 13:29

She's so high maintenance and believes everyone is jealous of her and that all men fancy her, this is because her parents have conditioned her to think this way.

Can you give a specific example of what her parents have done to condition her this way?

I tell my son that I love him and he is the best kid in the world every 5 minutes regularly. I was under the impression that this might help him to become a secure, confident adult rather than a big-headed, over-entitled so and so.

lemonforyourlime · 13/02/2014 13:30

I was thinking the same thing Handsoff !

I have an only child and I get livid when I read stereotypical shit like that.

Most arrogant, ignorant person I have ever met was a twin.

ladyquinoa · 13/02/2014 13:33

I do look round at some of the kids about and they have everything plus an ungrateful sense of entitlement. Lots of problems being stored up for the future I think.

ladyquinoa · 13/02/2014 13:33

I don't believe an only child is a spoilt child.

LessMissAbs · 13/02/2014 13:38

YANBU I get tenants like this as I let to students. The ones who have been brought up to actually do things for themselves are very easy to spot. We have had spoilt ones who will actually switch on and off the waterworks to get their own way, who won't take responsibility for breaking things and who expect to phone you after midnight because a lightbulb has burst and get it replaced immediately!

I do think there are two types of spoilt though - one, the spoilt child, and two, the spoilt adult, which often stems from laziness and a strong desire to be spoilt. And sometimes it works - if someone acts very high maintenance, if they manage to get someone involved who is gullible enough, they can end up spoilt.

LessMissAbs · 13/02/2014 13:39

And no, I don't think it has anything to do with being an only child. Some of the most spoilt examples I can think of are older children, middle children and younger children.

Deliaskis · 13/02/2014 13:46

The husband of a friend of mine, since their DD was born 3 yrs ago, and with both parents working almost FT, and usual house chores etc. all falling to her, etc. His favourite refrain is still 'But what about me?' when it comes to anything e.g. when is he going to get to play golf, have an afternoon nap, watch the football on TV for hours on a Saturday. My friend can be running around, home from work, to the supermarket, home, with DD in tow, gives DD tea, and then asks him to play with her for 10 mins whilst she makes their tea, and he says 'I've had a really busy day, I'm too tired'. Grrrrrr. No man at all if you ask me.

We went on holiday with them and DH, me and DFriend cooked all the meals, he didn't lift a finger, until one evening he made such a palavah about cooking the rice to go with the curry, and talking about it, and narrating what he was doing as he was doing it, and on serving the rice (which was 'just rice' e.g. nothing fancy), looked like he thought there would be an actual medal.

Totally spoilt as a child, and just as importantly, his mother ran around after every little request his father made, so that's what he presumably thinks happens in families.

TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy · 13/02/2014 13:46

I'm not sure whether you're spotting someone spoiled, or whether it's simply lack of chances or encouragement to critically analyse themselves, their beliefs, and actions.

There was a mindbending conversation among two people in my social circle recently that really opened my eyes to this. G asked J what his girlfriend drank so G could bring a "gift for the hostess" for G's first visit to their new house when he was told she didn't like the drink J wanted. J told G that he didn't need to bring anything as his girlfriend wasn't cooking, he was. G said that it was still polite to bring a gift, J responded, looking right at me, saying "Look, I don't even matter!" Explaining that just because his girlfriend mattered, didn't mean he didn't matter (especially as he was getting his drink anyways) seemed to be completely foreign to him.

I wouldn't say he acts spoiled, but he really never been pushed to think about why he reacts and thinks as he does.

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