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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To admit I'd have liked to have done things differently

68 replies

winterlace · 12/02/2014 20:17

I have a 14 month old. I'm expecting her brother or sister next month. The 14 month old 'cost' £30,000 in IVF. The currently unborn child was a bonus surprise.

I work full time to pay back some of the debt we accrued with IVF. DH works full time too . We will struggle with 2 lots of FT nursery fees.

Petrified of having two so close in age. Career taken a kicking due to two lots of maternity leave. I was bullied badly at work back in 2010 and had to leave but we were so deep into IVF it was impossible to walk away. I have a high stress job and DH works shifts. It's a nightmare!

I feel sorry for myself and I wish i could have retained more control over my family!

OP posts:

Original poster

winterlace · 12/02/2014 21:50

Oh god no I love her so much and I'll dote on no2 as well. I just wish I could spend more time with them!

OP posts:

Acinonyx · 12/02/2014 21:54

I calculated that my IVF dd cost us 30,000. We used equity from remortgaging our old house (which of course has had a knock on effect when we moved - we now have a really huge mortgage on a very average house for SE). Once you in debt it kind of rolls on - we also have a loan But I made A Plan 3 years ago and the loan will clear this year! Not to depress you but dd is now 8

Are you really sure you cannot restructure your debt? You can't extend the terms or if you can't - transfer the loan to a lender who will? Can you release some equity by remortgaging if you really can't downsize. Calculate how much you need to cut the debt repayments exactly to make improvements - e.g. go PT or quit for a while (you must earn a fair whack to make paying double nursery fees worthwhile).

I have been so totally sick of the debt - but it does end eventually if you have A Plan. I only work PT and if you want to go PT or quit and have more time with your kids I totally get that.

Acinonyx · 12/02/2014 21:55

PS we transferred our debt to a better loan as part of the Plan.

Original poster

winterlace · 12/02/2014 21:56

I definitely can't go part time in my role and being a SAHM just isn't an option without losing the house, really.

It'll be paid off in 3 years!

OP posts:

Acinonyx · 12/02/2014 22:03

3 years is good! But would your lives be easier if it were 5-6 years? Maybe you could get some help - a cleaner for example? If you didn't have the debt - would you still need to work to keep the house? Or is it just the debt that makes this necessary?

This is probably unthinkable - but could you consider downsizing from your house? We had to seriously think about it when dh's job was under threat. You tend to think you can't downsize - until you have no choice! Just a thought.

I am practically scratching the days off the wall to the end of The Debt.

OneStepForwardTwoBack · 12/02/2014 22:08

Bless you. Do whatever it takes to get through the next few years. There will be light at the end of the tunnel. Congratulations on both your babies. And if course you can moan, it may be partly preggy hormones making you feel a bit down.

Original poster

winterlace · 12/02/2014 22:08

Downsizing isn't that simple though. It's an expensive venture when you take into account estate agents fees,
Solicitors, moving vans ... It's a lot! Plus we don't have a huge luxurious property now: we live an an expensive pocket in London.

OP posts:

Acinonyx · 12/02/2014 22:15

I get your point - I'm just trying to open you up to thinking through some of the solutions that you tend to think are impossible.

Have you both considered actually relocating - one of you get a job somewhere cheaper - maybe outside London? I'm a London refugee myself. I think my London friends think I've lost my mind but I couldn't go back to that rat race now.

Failing that - 3 years will pass

Acinonyx · 12/02/2014 22:17

I'm wondering about having to work FT even after the debt just to keep the house. If you're in that position - then the debt is not your long-term problem - it's your mortgage.

Morloth · 12/02/2014 22:22

Right, the babies are not the problem, the debts are.

Have you actually spoken to someone about how to get this tidied up?

Normally I would say don't consolidate things onto your mortgage but as you haven't obtained the debt by burning through credit cards could that be an option? Is there any equity in the house that could absorb the debts?

Is there any possibility of going interest only on your mortgage for a couple of years? Just how attached are both of you to your jobs? You say YOU can't go part time but what about DH? Is there a different job where you could work less?

You are smack bang in the hard bit right now, it will get easier, you sound like a person who gets things done. So approach this as a job, get it sorted as tidily as you can.

bellasuewow · 12/02/2014 22:26

Winter lace don't take any notice some people have judge pants on so tight and are unhappy with themselves so look for opportunity to troll and take it out on others when they are asking for help and feeling vulnerable.

Anyway is there any way you can totally think outside the box and move to a cheaper property so that you can give up work and look after lo full time. Could you relocate to a cheaper area and you dh commute or move job. I know it sounds radical but perhaps you both need to consider an escape plan. People do make radical changes when they have had enough. Even thinking about it may cheer you up and make you feel that you have options.

Original poster

winterlace · 12/02/2014 22:27

There aren't really any other options. DH wouldn't want to work part time and his overtime allows us to make extra payments on the debt. We can't move out of London yet though this may be an option once I'm more established in my career. Then things will settle - but then DCs will be in school anyway.

We can manage - just - but you know! Just hate being a working mum sometimes.

OP posts:

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 12/02/2014 22:35

winterlace I feel for you. And I'm really angry about the (thankfully v few) posters who have decided to let rip at you
This too shall pass. Just bite down and carry on and before you know it you'll be on the other side of the debt. Three years is GREAT. I WISH I had three years.

Morloth · 12/02/2014 23:17

Ah don't worry about it.

Working Mum = Guilty.

It is just the way it is, when I am at work I feel guilty for not being with the kids, when I am at home I feel guilty because I forgot something at work and around and around it goes.

My DH thinks I am mental, he points out how well the kids are, how happy and loved and safe and fed and clean and well adjusted and how good I am at my job.

And in my head I acknowledge that, but still I feel guilty.

Do whatever it takes to make things easier for yourselves for the next few years.

Before you know it you will have your feet back under you, your kids will be at school and you will be thinking 'hey, that wasn't so bad'.

We are just coming out of the younger years now and life is so much easier and more fun.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 12/02/2014 23:40

I think this is a really tough time for you. I couldn't have more dc after ds but at age 14 months it all was still quite full on. I can imagine the memories about how tiring it is to be the parent to a newborn may be fresh. I'm at the nostalgic stage.

Full time work, full time nursery and commute was exhausting and felt unnatural and unrewarding. We got through it by the skin if our teeth without any help. Things are so much easier now ds is 7 and seemed better once he was out of the toddler stage. I have now have a good job that is flexible.

Give yourself a break. It sounds like a tough few years. Enjoy your maternity leave and wring every ounce out you can afford to. You will get in a routine and it will all work out.

FightingOverImaginaryIcecream · 12/02/2014 23:44

If you took DC1 out of nursery during your mat leave would you lose the place? just wondering if you could save some nursery fees.

My friend had 2 quite close together, who were both at nursery at the same time. If one of them was upset, they would get the other from the toddler/ preschool room and they could have a cuddle together. It might not feel like it now but there will be huge positives for both of them in being close together and having each other.

Good luck and feel free to moan, no matter how much you might want children, it's still hard to cope when the when/how/etc isn't as planned (((hugs))).

ThePost · 12/02/2014 23:56

OP, you've been through an emotional wringer, it's not surprising that you feel overwhelmed. It sounds like you have thought everything through and you do have a plan so this won't be forever. Please be kind to yourself.

I don't wish to overstep the mark but if you do continue to feel low, please bear in mind that ante-natal depression is not at all uncommon and you may just need a bit of extra support to get through so you could have a chat with your GP.

MrsBW · 13/02/2014 05:21

Hi OP

When I said IVF gives you a pretty high level of control I meant that your first child was obviously v much wanted rather than an accident. I hope I didn't offend you.

Of course it's ok for you to feel stressed after fertility treatment especially in your circumstances.

Take one day at a time. Your debt will be paid off before the children are 5 and it sounds like things will be different then.

I hope things get easier for you soon

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