To admit I'd have liked to have done things differently

[winterlace]

I have a 14 month old. I'm expecting her brother or sister next month. The 14 month old 'cost' £30,000 in IVF. The currently unborn child was a bonus surprise.

I work full time to pay back some of the debt we accrued with IVF. DH works full time too . We will struggle with 2 lots of FT nursery fees.

Petrified of having two so close in age. Career taken a kicking due to two lots of maternity leave. I was bullied badly at work back in 2010 and had to leave but we were so deep into IVF it was impossible to walk away. I have a high stress job and DH works shifts. It's a nightmare!

I feel sorry for myself and I wish i could have retained more control over my family!

[Jess03]

That is objectively really tough without any help at all. I can understand why you're feeling down, trying to get some sleep, several early nights if you can is a good idea. Pg hormones can make things seem worse too.

[iggymama]

Can you downsize to release some equity and clear debts?

In four years both children will be at school full time and your childcare costs will drop dramatically.

[frumpet]

I suggest you look at other childminders , there are loads , some are ok and others like the ones i have been fortunate to find are bloody fantastic . I understand you are feeling low , i think if a lot of people are honest child number two , no matter how wanted , still throws up an awful lot of natural anxieties , you i imagine hadn't planned on number two just yet and that in itself is stressful .
As someone who was a single parent with number one , part of which was spent in a homeless hostel , it WILL be ok . It might take a wee while to get to ok , but it will happen , i promise you .

[winterlace]

Moving isn't an option but thanks. Yes it's just getting through 4 years: not going to be at all easy!

[iggymama]

It sounds like you want more time at home. My original idea to downsize could help you go part time? Better to have a modest home and a happy life than run yourself ragged and feel you are missing out on your babies.

[iggymama]

Sorry x post

[winterlace]

Thanks frumpet. We will stay with the nursery when I go back to work for both DCs as there is a small sibling discount and we do feel more comfortable with that. Either way it's expensive.

The main frustration is I have to work full time to repay IVF debt and as a result I rarely see much longed for IVF baby! ironic really.

[winterlace]

I can't go part time because of my role - it's all or nothing and we certainly couldn't afford nothing.

[hairylittlegoblin]

Wow! I can't believe the negative comments you are getting.

You and your OH have come through the trauma of imfertility, IVF and a completely unplanned pregnancy and you're having he audacity to feel stressed and terrified. How selfish of you.

Both of mine were planned and we could make ends meet without too much stress and I still spent a good portion of each pregnancy feeling terrified and then guilty for not being more excited/grateful/whatever.

Things will feel better. Try to talk to your OH and see if sharing the worries is any help. But yanbu.

[Chippednailvarnish]

You are allowed to complain!

I think the suggestion that you look at restructuring your debt is the first thing to do, you might be able to take a mortgage holiday or spread the debt over a longer period of time (make sure you over pay when you are able though). Interest free credit cards could also take some of the pressure off.

On the plus side, with two so close together there will be less stuff to buy...

[Jess03]

It does go faster than you think though, personally even after 2.5 it was a lot easier (walking, talking, getting more back). Do you have any options to move to a new, less stressful job after ML?

[winterlace]

Aw thanks hairy. Yeah it's just making me crap myself really! And the problem is you can't ever appear less than thrilled as this is the bonus ball prize. It IS - but it's hugely adding stress. I mean in two years time if would be incredible but now it's terrifying

[HuntingforBunting]

Paperdress what a breath takingly unpleasant and bizarre comment. A real low.

Op, of course it feels overwhelming but as other posters have said, small steps a little bit at a time and picture your happy and contented family doing something all together like playing at the beach. Lucky dd1 to have a ready made playmate to keep her occupied and happy!

[MsVestibule]

On the practical side, can you actually afford to pay your bills once the baby is born and you go back to work? Of course it will be tight, but have you actually done a budget to see whether your outgoings will exceed your incomings or not? As somebody suggested ^^, can you restructure the loan?

On the emotional side, you absolutely are allowed to whinge! In less than two years, you've gone from "will we ever have a baby?" to having (nearly) two, and a whole load of stress and debt. These massive life changes would affect anybody, and whilst it would be marvellous to have the "aren't we lucky!" mindset, given your whole situation, I doubt I would.

And paperdress I'd hate to see what you would have written if you actually did want to heap criticism on her .

[winterlace]

It's just nice people understand, honestly, I'm so grateful for that. Thank you.

[ikeaismylocal]

It sounds like a really hard situation, I'm projecting my own feelings here but it must be difficult to feel so out of control of your own fertility, almost like your body is having the last laugh and saying oh you though yiu were in control now did you!? Your not! Here is baby #2 far too soon! I got my bfp the day before I was due to start ivf, I was glad to finally be pregnant but I felt like my body had thrown me a surprise just as I felt like I was gaining some control.

Could you rent your house if you own it and rent a 1 bedroom apartment? You could have both children in with you for the next 3/4 years and not have such high outgoings on your accommodation.

[Lambzig]

Lots of sympathy from me. We have 2 DC from IVF and probably spent 50-60k to get there. I don't begrudge the money, but the debt was scary (we used house equity and ended up moving to clear the last). I hate that sometimes I feel resentment that other people got their family without the hideous debt.

One of my friends was talking recently about the ten years that we were trying and failing to conceive and that she remembered how sad I was, how unhappy for a while when the latest attempt failed and how different I am now.

I am really sorry that you are finding it so difficult, it isn't really fair and it might be hard for a few years, but you wouldn't be back looking at failed IVF or the fear you would never have a family.

Try to get some sleep, get through the early pregnancy difficulties and think about the joy of your two little ones playing together (I have a much bigger age gap, but it really is a constant delight to see them together).

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I have a fifteen month age gap and it is wonderful! Admittedly it was tough at first, but now there are that bit older, they are a huge joy to me and each other.
Your life is turned upside down by one baby: this change will be different but 'in for a penny' etc etc

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

bit puzzled that you might be expecting lots of sympathy...do you imagine there are mothers out there with perfect work/parenting balance, perfect age gap between dcs, perfect family finances...?

Well, I don't know exactly what's wrong with paper, but you can have lots of my sympathy (for whatever that's worth).

You've been through the infertility wringer and now you've been kicked in the arse by your fertility. :(

I'm sure the day will come when you'll be so glad that it all happened the way it did and that you got the two beautiful children you will no doubt have. :)

But right you're heavily pregnant with a very small toddler to look after and you are both working full time.

That's A LOT of stress. It really is.

It's OK to feel overwhelmed and pissed off and like you've had a shitty deal.

In many ways you have.

But it will be OK.

The new baby will come and you'll have maternity leave and you can stop thinking about your career for a while.

And you WILL see your DD because this maternity leave will kind of be for both of them.

And you'll be stressed then in a different way because it will still be hard work, but you'll manage. And there will be brilliant moments amid all the drudgery.

For the next month it's just one foot in front of the other. Keep everything on the road. It will be fine. You'll be fine. :)

[KatieScarlett2833]

I was where you are OP, 15 month gap, both having to work full time, it was so hard
However, time worked it's magic, kids went to school, money became available, I dropped my hours to school hours, and eventually we got a brilliant balance. Just now is not for ever, you will work it out.
DC have zero recollection of their early childhood these days (older teens), they don't even remember being cared for (unless reminded) by anyone else.
It will get better.

[BratinghamPalace]

Good luck op. Someday you will wonder how you managed! Sounds like you need a really good bawl!

[fluterby]

I thought we'd decide to have dc and life would be rosy. We planned, ensured we had a nice house, had money behind us, secure relationship.

How wrong could I be?

Life throws all sorts of crap at you. A miscarriage, a sister with cancer, a father with terminal cancer, leading to a suicideal dm, a dd with problems, terrible problems with my health from the birth, moved house twice in a year, hated the new area, met some horrendous women at toddler clubs whom I felt obliged to persist with to fend off the loneliness. Some truely awful jobs along the way.

Others have it worse. You can only make the best of what life throws at you. If you have to cope, you will. If you don't cope, you get help to cope. Just do the best you can.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I've no idea what you feel really, I've not experienced it.

But I read your op as "I wish things had been different" not that you think you have done anything wrong. The work situation sounds horrible and out of your control, for example.

I understand you're stressed and wish you all the best. You sound like you're being unjustly hard on yourself though, have you spoken to your DH about how you're feeling?

[winterlace]

Alis yes, that's pretty much it!

We are able to talk and be honest with one another but we both work such long hours at different times we don't see as much as one another as we'd like!

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I know what you mean about just not having the time.

So try to keep in mind that it's actually things you couldn't control, like shit head former colleagues, you're thinking about here. It's not your lovely and much wanted first DC.

Be kind to yourself