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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bloody nose! Was I unreasonable?

66 replies

Hollyelf · 12/02/2014 16:38

At the end of a playgroup (parents stay) session today another toddler ended up with a bloody nose apparently as a result of my toddler hitting him with a toy.

I didn't see it, I was running a group activity to occupy the children as parents tidied up. As soon as I realised something had happened and my toddler was involved I checked that the other child was ok, apologised, removed mine from the room, put his coat on to leave, returned him to apologise to the other child directly (which he refused to do), apologised again myself and then we left. Maybe worth mentioning my toddler has a speech delay and finds sorry a difficult word to say though he will normally try to mumble something.

The mum was commenting throughout to her toddler about the "naughty boy" and the "naughty thing" he'd done. She made me feel even more shit then I already did. Anyway was I unreasonable in what I did and how I handled it? What more could I do?!?

OP posts:

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 12/02/2014 17:27

I wouldn't assume, if my toddler was hit, that he was hit by a 'naughty' child. just that they were being too rough and typically 'toddler'.

Original poster

Hollyelf · 12/02/2014 17:27

Funnyfoot, fair enough though I didn't need her to also be telling my toddler he was naughty. I'd told him what he did was wrong and was taking appropriate action. I'm all for it takes a village to raise a child and all that jazz but he felt like she was trying to raise me not him!!!

OP posts:

Ohbyethen · 12/02/2014 17:31

I think people fall into different camps and you aren't going to be able to please everyone.

I would have been perfectly happy with your obvious concern for my child, your apology & then you removin gyour little boy while mine calmed down. What more really is there to do? They are toddlers not 6 year olds.

But then all of mine have always managed to do more damage to themselves than they have received from others.
I also think if you have peace loving dc it's a culture shock when they meet a tiny gladiator, particularly for pfb parents. Yes, hitting is unacceptable and of course you want to validate your dcs feelings if they have been hit but every child is learning - there are just some people that will chunter on and mither about everything and there is no reparation to be made other than going back in time to prevent the terrible injustice enacted against them.
Also yy to parents that do nothing and don't do the important part of the learning situation - teaching their child, but most parents aren't like this, just like most aren't unreasonably precious and chuntery.
Apologise, teach and prevent to the best of your ability until they are old enough to understand & gain empathy - do your best and let everything else go over your head.

TheListingAttic · 12/02/2014 17:32

Yep, that's a bugger. I'd feel narked at how it all went down, but I don't think you need to sweat it or worry that she was having a dig.

Original poster

Hollyelf · 12/02/2014 18:04

Still curious to know what LaGuardia would have done given she thinks I got away lightly......

Ohbyethen, thank you, excellent advice.

OP posts:

ikeaismylocal · 12/02/2014 18:37

Your ds had been a naughty boy, her comments were factual.

I think it is just as important for the "victim" to know that the action was naughty, I would have probably used the words unkind and mean.if she doesn't tell her child that the behavior he experienced was unkind, naughty, mean her dc might react in a simalar way next time he is in the situation your ds was in.

Could you teach your ds a sign for sorry if he struggles to say sorry, I think it is important that kids say sorry as it shows that they understand that they have done something wrong.

Sirzy · 12/02/2014 18:42

she was probably using the word naughty to reiterate to her son that what your son had done was wrong.

She was also probably pissed off and annoyed that another child had caused her sons nose to bleed - as would most parents.

Sounds like both of you handled it fines just coming at it from different angles as you both had different priorities a that time.

Gatorade · 12/02/2014 18:56

Goodness there are quite a few over precious over emotional people on this thread! Toddlers get into scrapes all the time, it's normal! To be fuming with a mother in this situation is, in my option, ridiculous!

OP I think you did the right thing and the other mother was being rather over the top.

Melonbreath · 12/02/2014 19:12

Toddlers do stuff like this, that's the reason they aren't 6 feet high!
Your son was ticked off by you, told by the other mum he'd been naughty and you apologised.

I'd day job done.

BigW · 12/02/2014 19:20

I don't think either of you were particularly unreasonable. I don't understand parents who say that they would be fuming. My DS is 14 months and if he ended up with a bloody nose, I would upset, but not angry. With children that age things happen in a second. If a child was unsupervised and running riot I suppose I would think it's not on, but if there were plenty of adults around, I would just put it down to one of those things. I would explain to DS that hitting is naughty, so I don't think she was unreasonable either.

summerlovingliz · 12/02/2014 19:31

Mothers whose children are always gentle can be very smug!! Sounds to me like u handled the situation perfectly and I would not feel the need to apologise again, maybe tell your LO that if he is not gentle next week you will have to leave early or not go again for a while, that's what I had to do

bearleftmonkeyright · 12/02/2014 19:52

My youngest ds was a biter and bit two different children on two separate occasions causing a bruise whilst at playgroup. I was not there, it was a supervised early years setting. The staff were brilliant but even under supervision it happened. I was of course mortified, but he grew out of it. I wouldnt give it a moments thought. It was probably an accident. Some mothers are bloody insufferable.

winterlace · 12/02/2014 20:10

It still amazes me how much I want to cause physical pain to anyone who dares touch 14 month old DD PFB

Original poster

Hollyelf · 12/02/2014 20:47

winterlace - even another child? Nice.

OP posts:

Cravey · 12/02/2014 20:56

You did the right thing, but you can't slate the other mum. He,r child had been hurt and I'm sure most mums would do the same. Also she was telling her child that what had been done was naughty. Which it was !!!

winterlace · 12/02/2014 20:59

Yes, holly.

I don't actually do it, you know, but when someone shoves her or hits her or hurts her, I really, really want to hit them myself. I'd never do it. But it does get this rage in me, really does.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 12/02/2014 21:14

quite worrying winterlace.

Original poster

Hollyelf · 12/02/2014 21:16

Wow winterlace, I'm glad you keep it under control, you sound scary

BTW I'm not suggesting the other mum was being unreasonable even if she was precious maybe I was asking if I was unreasonable in the way I handled the situation. I was made to feel like I was.

(I wonder if she's dwelling on it as much as I have been....!)

OP posts:

winterlace · 12/02/2014 21:17

Not really! I'm in control, I certainly don't go around hitting toddlers or anybody else - but I feel so angry if another chile hurts her even if I don't show that anger.

winterlace · 12/02/2014 21:20

Holly I'm not scary at all don't worry!

What I mean is that objectively, you did nothing wrong and neither did your son. Objectively I'd appreciate that and be gracious and polite.

A raw, different thing under me would be raging and don't worry I would recognise myself it was totally UR - but it's still there.

Original poster

Hollyelf · 12/02/2014 21:21

Ikeaismylocal - we've not had much success with signing but I shall certainly try one for sorry, thanks.

OP posts:

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 12/02/2014 21:22

I do think that even feeling an urge to hurt a child is worrying, whether you do it or not - obviously acting on it is worse.

Coldlightofday · 12/02/2014 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 12/02/2014 21:26

cold OP has been wondering what La would have done but the latter hasn't been forthcoming with a solution yet, afaik.

winterlace · 12/02/2014 21:26

Yes, but you're not feeling the urge to hurt a child because you don't like them, or fuming at a toddler - it's just a momentary anger towards something that hurt your baby.

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