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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like crap because I just can't cut being a sahm

65 replies

ilovechips · 11/02/2014 12:18

That's it really. DD 21months, I have been at home since mat leave. The idea was that after mat leave DH and I would split work between us so both working p/t and caring for DD. Was all in place etc...However his employer unexpectedly went bust just at the end of my mat leave. He was able to secure another job however not p/t so we decided I would stay home (he earns more than me, we couldn't manage on my salary alone).

I've just reached the end of my tether with being at home all day with a toddler. She's fabulous, sleeps well etc, but I just find it mind numbing playing toddler games or reading toddler books all day. We go out somewhere every day. I just desperately miss adult company and feel like a failure. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes with the tantrums and screaming and just toddler-ness! DH is very supportive but I definitely get the feeling he thinks I'm mad, he often says he would kill to be at home all day - this may well be true but unfortunately not a likely possibility due to salary difference.

I am in the process of looking for agency work which will fit around DH work, I went on a training course the other day and felt exhilarated getting in the car and leaving the house.

Anyway I guess all I am asking is, does anyone else know what I mean? I love her to bits, feel so guilty, but just crave some adult time sometimes!

OP posts:

Meh84 · 11/02/2014 12:54

Yanbu in the slightest. I thought I wanted to be a sahm, I managed three years - and throughout this time my pnd became worse and my confidence disappeared. Once my daughter (now 2) was 8 months old I found myself a part time job.

I now work wed-fri 10-2:30pm and it was the best thing I did....not just for me but for the whole family. I feel it's much more balanced and everyone is much happier.

Some friends of mine love being a sahm, I tried but it just wasn't for me.

Anniegoestotown · 11/02/2014 12:54

Do you not have friends? I am a SAHM and I can honestly say the only mothers I have come across who do not get on with SAH parenting are the ones who hanker after the job they once did. Staying at home requires a completely different mindset.

I had only just moved into the area when I found out I was pregnant with dd1, I was pretty lonely whilst I was pregnant (very difficult pg) but as soon as she was born then it was a case of getting out and about. I found several friends from the post natal group and joined a gym that had childcare.

Can I ask why you are only making the effort to talk to people when in a work situation and not when you are with your child?

RaspberrySchnapps · 11/02/2014 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 · 11/02/2014 12:59

Can I ask why you are only making the effort to talk to people when in a work situation and not when you are with your child?

Probably because she wants to talk about something other than children...

Original poster

ilovechips · 11/02/2014 12:59

Anniegoestotown - not sure what you mean? Yes I have friends however not any friends with toddlers, no. I don't know where you get the idea that I only talk to people in a work situation - I haven't been to work in 21 months...

OP posts:

janey68 · 11/02/2014 13:02

Don't feel guilty-you are perfectly normal to feel this way. Much as I adore my children, I'm so glad I returned to work 3 days a week when each of them was a few months old. I appreciated the days at home with them all the more because I had other days using my skills in a different way.

Find good childcare and get yourself out there. The advantage also is that you're keeping yourself employable and up to date.

Some parents enjoy being a SAHP more than anything, but others prefer to combine parenting with work and that's fine too. There is no 'right' or 'best' way

WingDefence · 11/02/2014 13:03

..."are the ones who hanker after the job they once did".
Can I ask what's wrong with that? I trained very hard for years to be in the position I'm in and I love my job. Is there something wrong with liking paid employment?

OP, I lasted 9 months with DS (5) and 7 months with DD (now 10 months). DH says I was climbing the wall with boredom and frustration after 7-8 months with DS which is why I went back a bit earlier with DD.

You've done 21 months and that is amazing. Your DD will have got a lot of benefits out of that security, being with her DM. It's completely normal to want some 'me' time.

And I echo those above who say that the time at work also means they appreciate and enjoy the time with the family more.

Good luck!

Indith · 11/02/2014 13:12

Annie that's a bit of a strange thing to say.

I hated being a sahm and I didn't bloody work before I had children! (straight into having children form uni). The op never says she doesn't talk to people. Interaction at toddler groups and interaction at work wihtout bloody children around are completely different things. And hey, great for you that you can go to a gym with childcare. Not everyone can. Hell when I was a sahm I had no way at all of escaping my children. Ever.

pointythings · 11/02/2014 13:13

I couldn't have done it either, I only had 6 months of mat leave (this was a ways back) and although I missed my DDs, I was happy to be back at work. Being a SAHP is tough, it's relentless, you never get a break. You have to do what works for you as a person and as a family.

BettyStogs · 11/02/2014 13:13

I couldn't be a sahm either. DS is 2.5 and I'm currently on maternity leave waiting for no 2 to arrive. DS is still at nursery 4 days as he was when I was working, as this part of my ML is for resting!

I love our 1 day a week together but would go mad staying at home full time. I don't feel guilty as its not for everyone and no one judges a dad for working!

Mim78 · 11/02/2014 13:16

Echo all of the above!

Yanbu. I couldn't do it.

Not too much longer til you get a contribution towards childcare so if you can fit round Dh or find something reasonably priced til then it will help set you up for when you can do a bit more.

eltsihT · 11/02/2014 13:17

I thought being a sahm would be great, but went back 2 days a week when ds1 was 4mo as I was climbing the walls. With ds 2 I have been off on mat leave for 9months and an only just starting to want to go back to work. However can't till Augustine to child are costs.

Well done for managing 21m, hats off to you.

LiegeAndLief · 11/02/2014 13:24

Erm, I would imagine it's true that women who don't enjoy SAHM hanker after their old jobs - presumably it's because they enjoyed working more than they enjoy staying at home with their dc all the time - not sure what's strange about that!

On the other hand, I guess women who love being SAHM and didn't really like their jobs don't hanker after their old jobs

AnnieLobeseder · 11/02/2014 13:26

Anniegoestotown - why should a women change her mindset in order not to go stir crazy unless she has no option other than to SAH? Longing for a fulfilling and productive career is no bad thing. A woman's place is not in the home unless she wants it to be. I could probably come to tolerate any career if I had to, but why would I when I could be doing what I love?

Have you considered that your friends who longed for their jobs and were miserable at home were those who, like us, just weren't meant to be SAHMs and the ones who were happy at home were just that way inclined, without any change of mindset being required?

bakingaddict · 11/02/2014 13:37

Annie its great being a SAHM works for you but everybody is different. You come across as one of those people who thinks well its worked for me why doesnt it for everybody else.

I found being on ML the first time quite isolating. I have no family nearby and am quite a shy person so making friends at baby groups is really hard for me. Maybe some mums could be constrained financially or by lack of public transport or may even find baby groups a vision of hell. Sometimes it is hard when you havent spoken to a single adult for 8 hours and I can understand why some mums miss their working life.

grumpalumpgrumped · 11/02/2014 13:49

I hated being on mat leave with ds1, only felt like me again when I went back part time. Enjoyed mat leave with ds2 but still looked forward to going back to work again.

SAHP is not for me. Never thought I would feel like that.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 11/02/2014 14:01

I hear you op. I've been at home since dd1, now 4. Am starting down the path of retraining now, but won't be able to start properly until dd1 (14mo) is at school. Still, it feels good to be making plans.

I get a LOT of people telling me I'm lucky, telling me to enjoy them while they are young etc etc, and it makes me feel a bit rubbish to admit that I think I would enjoy them a hell of a lot more if I was working as well. People look at me like I'm mad! It is quite guilt inducing tbh, but I can't change how I feel and I don't think it's that unnatural either.

thegreylady · 11/02/2014 14:55

I managed to be a SAHM for 4 months when dd was from 4 to 8 months old the first 2 months I was at home (college vac) and next two I took her in with me which worked very well. I was lecturing in a College of Education and if she was sleeping I put the carrycot under the table and when she woke up she was very happy just playing on her mat! I hated being at home though she was such an easy baby. I was lucky to get a pt teaching job and to find a cm who had one child the same age as dd and one same as ds. We had an excellent working relationship. I paid her half my salary (my idea) why should looking after my child be less important than my job? When dd started school I went back ft and cm did after school. Her older ds was eventually my son's best man!

Blankiefan · 11/02/2014 16:22

I feel your pain OP. I'm on week 15 of mat leave and going back to work at week 27 (and counting!).

As of next week, I'm starting DD at nursery 2 days per week just to get a bit of respite. She's fantastic and obviously I'm crazy about her but I'm just not cut out for doing this full time.

Hopefully I'll get a bit if relief for the rest if my mat leave and she gets to settle into nursery in a more gentle, phased way. Im trying hard not to feel too guilty about putting her into nursery when I'm free to look after her - lots of rationalising (easier settle in, settle in before separation anxiety kicks in, Easier to handle the onslaught of bugs and viruses she's sure to pick up when starting nursery!). Ultimately tho, I'm little use to her (and poor DH) if I'm going loopy at home. There have been tears... I don't want to sit and cry in front of my baby.

CPtart · 11/02/2014 16:51

I'm a nurse too. Four and five months maternity leave respectively was more than enough for me. Work is stressful but saved my sanity!

Anniegoestotown · 11/02/2014 21:29

Writer- NewsFlash - Being a SAHM does not mean your only topic of conversation is your children.

Op if you have friends then why are you not going out with them.

Indith my dp and I were together 20 years before dd put in an appearance, that is 20 years of doing jobs I hated with people who I would never give the time of day to. We had 20 years of saving so why them hell shouldn't I take up the offer of my local gym of 1 hour free childcare per day with an monthly subscription of £23 per month. And guess what I talked to people there who became my friends.

Of the 2 working mothers I know who felt miserable at home I should clarify one went back to work within 13days of her baby being born, and the other the week later. Given it was over Xmas I think both had set out to not enjoy their dc. 15 years later I can say neither have any relationship with their children.

Before everyone bites my head off I would like to point out that if I actually went to work I would have to spend virtually all my salary on childcare/extra food bills/ extra clothes/ extra travel expenses etc.

I made staying at home an art form in getting as much for my money as possible. Then because I was not stressed out at the end of the week and had time on my hands to research ideas I started my own business. It is fitted around everything else and this year is due to bring in more money than dp. Something I would not have done if I had not been a SAHM.

IamSlave · 11/02/2014 21:32

everyone who is or has been at home with small children knows what you mean, please don't be hard on yourself, your probably in the hardest ever part right now...you have done really well..

you will feel much better when you get some work and get more plugged back into society

Original poster

ilovechips · 11/02/2014 21:51

Annie - I like to spend evenings with my DH actually, and everyone else I know works during the day. It's fab for you that being a sahm worked out well, and I applaud you for that. You do sound a teensy bit judgey of people who it hasn't worked out for though, just because it doesn't work doesn't mean people didn't " set out to enjoy their dc". It's just everyone is different I think...

OP posts:

brettgirl2 · 11/02/2014 22:00

yabu to feel like crap. yanbu to not like being a sahm, I definitely couldn't stick it

beabea81 · 11/02/2014 22:09

It´s bloomin hard work, relentless, hardest job I've ever done being a sahm but I haven't been able to go back to work due to health issues so am coming up for 3 years now as a sahm. Dd does go to pre school now 3 mornings a week but it's only 3 hours so flies by really and I'm back out to pick her up again! I didn't really have a choice but would prob have had a year off on maternity leave then gone back to my job part time, on the other hand I do love being a sahm, I love the close bond we have but it more so now she's a bit older, I wasn't great with the young baby stage, I got quite claustrophobic and depressed and went to every single baby group in the area to get out and meet other mums, as none of my existing friends had kids. I've made some of my best friends that way. Yanbu btw, it's really hard work xxx

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