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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to cull this 'friend'?

41 replies

QueenofKelsingra · 10/02/2014 11:51

I posted a while back about a 'friend' who told me I was 'a bad example' to my DC because I was a SAHM. MN jury voted that she was the unreasonable one and I decided to go with the path of least resistance and just let the friendship slide unless she made an effort.

Said friend is godmother to DS (4). (admittedly selected before I had anyone else to ask, she was my closest friend at the time). She was due to come to DS's birthday but at the last minute cancelled as she was unwell. Fine, these things happen but DS was upset she didn't come.

so she arranges to call in to see him last week. DS super excited to see her, lines up his favourite toys to show her etc. She doesn't show up. I text to find out where she is and get a 'oh sorry, I forgot. will reschedule next time I'm around'. I was fuming with her, how do you 'forget' about your godson FFS? Surely he would take priority in your mind?? So DS was really upset about this, took ages to calm him down. so I text back saying 'well DS is really upset, especially as you already missed his party'. so then I get a long tirade of how 'hurt' and 'upset' she is that I'm cross with her, that she explained she was ill for the party (she did but didn't bother to call and speak to him or anything) and that I was being childish for being cross and 'as a mother of 3DC I should be more mature'.

I haven't replied I'm so fucking mad at her. She has no DC so I guess she just doesn't get how unfair it is on small children to just not do what you promised! and because I dared to be annoyed at her about it considering there were no extenuating circs, she just forgot, she has now tried to flip this around as me being childish.

So I have decided to drop the friendship, it is just not worth it. considering she was so keen to be GM and kept saying she wanted to forge a special friendship with him, spend time etc and repeatedly fails to step up and added to the previous incident of clearly not understanding my life choice AIBU to just stop replying and make no further effort at contact?

OP posts:

Original poster

QueenofKelsingra · 10/02/2014 13:01

i understand that 'other people's children are boring' - but not when they are your godchildren! I don't invite my childless friends to my kids' parties for this reason. She chose and accepted to be his godmother and that makes it different surely?

OP posts:

Topaz25 · 10/02/2014 13:04

She has a nerve calling you immature when she is the one who is being unreliable and not keeping up with her commitments! I don't think you are going to be able to have the friendship that you wanted with her because she has repeatedly insulted you, doesn't support your decisions and when you told her she had upset your son rather than apologising she went on the defensive! Apparently she can do no wrong! It would be different if she apologised and wanted to work on the friendship. I would cool the friendship and not rely on her for anything.

NoodleOodle · 10/02/2014 13:07

Do you think this could be sorted out with some open and honest communication? If you do, I would think it is worth trying, especially as you thought the friendship valuable enough to join your family together, and thought her suitable to be a godparent at some stage. No, she might not be being a great friend or good godparent now, but is there potential? Can that potential be explored without your child getting hurt? If so, I would stick with it, 20 years of friendship is a lot to let go of.

Maybe everyone's expectations just need to be shifted a little to all be in-line with each other? I know the people I have been friends with for 20 years are ones I don't want to lose over something I might later look back on as insignificant. And I know that my friends' relationships with my child are important to all parties. As long as you can protect your child from disappointment, which will become evident after some real open communication.

What about you meeting up with her on your own for a chat? This way if she cancels then DC won't be upset, but if she shows you can remind her how important your friendship is, and see if you can get things rolling again in a more positive way?

Yes, she might have been selfish and rude lately but, in the grand scheme of things, she hasn't done anything terrible. I know I've forgiven friends for much bigger things and think it was worth it for the friendships we've managed to maintain. Sometime,s just like a romantic relationship, friendships go through a bit of a bad patch and need some work and a dose of understanding and forgiveness to survive. I guess you just need to decide if this 20 year friendship is worth working for, or if it has come to its end and needs to fizzle out.

NoodleOodle · 10/02/2014 13:08

Maybe she will find it more interesting once her godchild is a bit older.

I agree with this. Young children can be not just uninteresting but difficult for people who aren't their parents, but once they're older, a valuable bond can form.

Original poster

QueenofKelsingra · 10/02/2014 13:41

to be honest I'm still to angry with her attitude to speak to her right now. and this is the latest in a line of issues. she was picked because she was my only close Christian friend at the time.

i don't think i will do the big 'our friendship is over' showdown as that seems a childish thing to do but i think the best thing is not to engage any further and just let things pan out as they will. if she wants to make the effort i wont stop her but i wont be chasing her up or going out of my way for her. maybe in the future she will have more to offer him.

for now i think i shall focus my energies on the people who are worth it. i can only judge off my own morals and i would not do to my godchildren (i have 2) what she has done to me. i cannot imagine a situation where i would 'forget' them, not to mention then not being bothered about forgetting. this is what i cant forgive.

OP posts:

NoodleOodle · 10/02/2014 13:45

I wouldn't be able to forget a child I'd made promises like that to either. People grow out of each other and friendships end, and it seems like this one has reached its end then.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/02/2014 14:49

I would send her this:
"Dear friend, it is not my maturity that is at issue here - it is the sadness of a 4-year-old who has been disappointed twice. If you cannot understand this, I think it may be time to end this friendship."

Charley50 · 10/02/2014 16:34

One of my best mates used to have a postcard on her wall that said, ""Everyone is a complete disappointment."

If you keep this as a motto you won't be surprised, hurt, and disappointed when you feel people have let you down, and, when they don't let you down, you'll feel disproportionally pleased!

Also, isn't forgiveness a Christian value too?

You are just at different stages in your lives. You don't have the same priorities as each other. It's normal. And godparents that are full-on involved are not the norm.

Charley50 · 10/02/2014 16:36

SDTG: I would send her this:
"Dear friend, it is not my maturity that is at issue here - it is the sadness of a 4-year-old who has been disappointed twice. If you cannot understand this, I think it may be time to end this friendship."

....That's emotional blackmail. if the OP wants to end the friendship she should do it, but not try and lay a guilt trip on her 'friend' for being ill once and cancelling once.

FederationPresidentBarryFife · 10/02/2014 16:43

I think this is a massive overreaction on your part and you are being very precious TBH.
i understand that 'other people's children are boring' - but not when they are your godchildren!
umm no, they are still quite boring.

She just doesn't GET IT, she doesn't have children, she doesn't understand how important they are, to you or in general! I think give her a break and accept that she doesn't meet your God Mother standards but I think you need to chill out about this and think big picture. I bet she'll become more involved when he is older as others have said. To give her a guilt trip is a bit much - maybe SHE HAS OTHER STUFF ON? Did you consider that?

Jaisalmer · 10/02/2014 16:47

Oh god no don't send her any threats to end the friendship. I think you see it as a more important issue than she does even though she promised to do all sorts at the beginning. She's only human, I do think that probably she likes your children but really hasn't got the will or energy to be overly involved.

I wouldn't end a 20 year friendship over it unless there are other issues that you've not alluded to. I agree that she is at different life stage and that you are out of sync at the moment. FWIW I wouldn't dream of asking my childless GP's to my children's birthday parties - wouldn't even cross my mind as I would assume that they would rather stick pins in their eyes. To me they are there as godparent's and guardians for if anything awful ever happened to us in the future and in years to come if they need someone to turn to. I really do think you need to lower your expectations.

I love the postcard with 'Everyone is a complete disappointment' on it !

AnandaTimeIn · 10/02/2014 16:54

She sounds all "me me me"...

As well as opiniated. Who the fuck is she to comment on your parenting choices.

Haven't read the whole thread but could there be an underlying jealousy that you ARE a mother and she is not?
Could explain why she couldn't cope with the birthday party.... and using illness as an excuse

Anyway, I wouldn't be putting any more energy into a "friendship" like that. Godmother or no.

FuckingWankwings · 10/02/2014 17:00

I'd let it go, personally. I don't think not turning up and then only coming up with 'oh sorry, I forgot' is acceptable whatever the age of the person your arrangement is with.

I agree that other people's children aren't interesting, but this isn't a random friend but someone you chose to be a godparent. She should either take it seriously or she doesn't get to do it any more, IMO.

nennypops · 10/02/2014 17:04

YABU to complain she couldn't come to the party and didn't contact your DC while she was ill. People who have bad flu or migraines, for instance, may find it literally impossible to do anything other than crawl into bed and stay there.

innisglas · 10/02/2014 17:10

I don't like the sound of her. Taking the children out of the picture for a second, she sounds awfully judgemental (calling you immature when she is the one being immature, is typical) and who needs that in a friend.

Original poster

QueenofKelsingra · 10/02/2014 17:10

oh I wouldn't be making a big song and dance, just stop contacting her and let things slide of their own nature.

nenny I didn't complain about that, if she was ill she was ill, I mentioned it to her to try and get her to understand why DS was so upset - because she had not turned up twice. (plus she was not bed-ridden ill, it was quite minor). my biggest issue is how blasé she is about forgetting about him. 'oh sorry, I forgot' is a pretty poor apology surely? she just doesn't seem bothered that she forgot about him or that we spent the afternoon sat at home waiting for her

OP posts:

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