...to cull this 'friend'?

[QueenofKelsingra]

I posted a while back about a 'friend' who told me I was 'a bad example' to my DC because I was a SAHM. MN jury voted that she was the unreasonable one and I decided to go with the path of least resistance and just let the friendship slide unless she made an effort.

Said friend is godmother to DS (4). (admittedly selected before I had anyone else to ask, she was my closest friend at the time). She was due to come to DS's birthday but at the last minute cancelled as she was unwell. Fine, these things happen but DS was upset she didn't come.

so she arranges to call in to see him last week. DS super excited to see her, lines up his favourite toys to show her etc. She doesn't show up. I text to find out where she is and get a 'oh sorry, I forgot. will reschedule next time I'm around'. I was fuming with her, how do you 'forget' about your godson FFS? Surely he would take priority in your mind?? So DS was really upset about this, took ages to calm him down. so I text back saying 'well DS is really upset, especially as you already missed his party'. so then I get a long tirade of how 'hurt' and 'upset' she is that I'm cross with her, that she explained she was ill for the party (she did but didn't bother to call and speak to him or anything) and that I was being childish for being cross and 'as a mother of 3DC I should be more mature'.

I haven't replied I'm so fucking mad at her. She has no DC so I guess she just doesn't get how unfair it is on small children to just not do what you promised! and because I dared to be annoyed at her about it considering there were no extenuating circs, she just forgot, she has now tried to flip this around as me being childish.

So I have decided to drop the friendship, it is just not worth it. considering she was so keen to be GM and kept saying she wanted to forge a special friendship with him, spend time etc and repeatedly fails to step up and added to the previous incident of clearly not understanding my life choice AIBU to just stop replying and make no further effort at contact?

[QueenofKelsingra]

oh I wouldn't be making a big song and dance, just stop contacting her and let things slide of their own nature.

nenny I didn't complain about that, if she was ill she was ill, I mentioned it to her to try and get her to understand why DS was so upset - because she had not turned up twice. (plus she was not bed-ridden ill, it was quite minor). my biggest issue is how blasé she is about forgetting about him. 'oh sorry, I forgot' is a pretty poor apology surely? she just doesn't seem bothered that she forgot about him or that we spent the afternoon sat at home waiting for her

[innisglas]

I don't like the sound of her. Taking the children out of the picture for a second, she sounds awfully judgemental (calling you immature when she is the one being immature, is typical) and who needs that in a friend.

[nennypops]

YABU to complain she couldn't come to the party and didn't contact your DC while she was ill. People who have bad flu or migraines, for instance, may find it literally impossible to do anything other than crawl into bed and stay there.

[FuckingWankwings]

I'd let it go, personally. I don't think not turning up and then only coming up with 'oh sorry, I forgot' is acceptable whatever the age of the person your arrangement is with.

I agree that other people's children aren't interesting, but this isn't a random friend but someone you chose to be a godparent. She should either take it seriously or she doesn't get to do it any more, IMO.

[AnandaTimeIn]

She sounds all "me me me"...

As well as opiniated. Who the fuck is she to comment on your parenting choices.

Haven't read the whole thread but could there be an underlying jealousy that you ARE a mother and she is not?
Could explain why she couldn't cope with the birthday party.... and using illness as an excuse

Anyway, I wouldn't be putting any more energy into a "friendship" like that. Godmother or no.

[Jaisalmer]

Oh god no don't send her any threats to end the friendship. I think you see it as a more important issue than she does even though she promised to do all sorts at the beginning. She's only human, I do think that probably she likes your children but really hasn't got the will or energy to be overly involved.

I wouldn't end a 20 year friendship over it unless there are other issues that you've not alluded to. I agree that she is at different life stage and that you are out of sync at the moment. FWIW I wouldn't dream of asking my childless GP's to my children's birthday parties - wouldn't even cross my mind as I would assume that they would rather stick pins in their eyes. To me they are there as godparent's and guardians for if anything awful ever happened to us in the future and in years to come if they need someone to turn to. I really do think you need to lower your expectations.

I love the postcard with 'Everyone is a complete disappointment' on it !

[FederationPresidentBarryFife]

I think this is a massive overreaction on your part and you are being very precious TBH.
i understand that 'other people's children are boring' - but not when they are your godchildren!
umm no, they are still quite boring.

She just doesn't GET IT, she doesn't have children, she doesn't understand how important they are, to you or in general! I think give her a break and accept that she doesn't meet your God Mother standards but I think you need to chill out about this and think big picture. I bet she'll become more involved when he is older as others have said. To give her a guilt trip is a bit much - maybe SHE HAS OTHER STUFF ON? Did you consider that?

[Charley50]

SDTG: I would send her this:
"Dear friend, it is not my maturity that is at issue here - it is the sadness of a 4-year-old who has been disappointed twice. If you cannot understand this, I think it may be time to end this friendship."

....That's emotional blackmail. if the OP wants to end the friendship she should do it, but not try and lay a guilt trip on her 'friend' for being ill once and cancelling once.

[Charley50]

One of my best mates used to have a postcard on her wall that said, ""Everyone is a complete disappointment."

If you keep this as a motto you won't be surprised, hurt, and disappointed when you feel people have let you down, and, when they don't let you down, you'll feel disproportionally pleased!

Also, isn't forgiveness a Christian value too?

You are just at different stages in your lives. You don't have the same priorities as each other. It's normal. And godparents that are full-on involved are not the norm.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I would send her this:
"Dear friend, it is not my maturity that is at issue here - it is the sadness of a 4-year-old who has been disappointed twice. If you cannot understand this, I think it may be time to end this friendship."

[NoodleOodle]

I wouldn't be able to forget a child I'd made promises like that to either. People grow out of each other and friendships end, and it seems like this one has reached its end then.

[QueenofKelsingra]

to be honest I'm still to angry with her attitude to speak to her right now. and this is the latest in a line of issues. she was picked because she was my only close Christian friend at the time.

i don't think i will do the big 'our friendship is over' showdown as that seems a childish thing to do but i think the best thing is not to engage any further and just let things pan out as they will. if she wants to make the effort i wont stop her but i wont be chasing her up or going out of my way for her. maybe in the future she will have more to offer him.

for now i think i shall focus my energies on the people who are worth it. i can only judge off my own morals and i would not do to my godchildren (i have 2) what she has done to me. i cannot imagine a situation where i would 'forget' them, not to mention then not being bothered about forgetting. this is what i cant forgive.

[NoodleOodle]

Maybe she will find it more interesting once her godchild is a bit older.

I agree with this. Young children can be not just uninteresting but difficult for people who aren't their parents, but once they're older, a valuable bond can form.

[NoodleOodle]

Do you think this could be sorted out with some open and honest communication? If you do, I would think it is worth trying, especially as you thought the friendship valuable enough to join your family together, and thought her suitable to be a godparent at some stage. No, she might not be being a great friend or good godparent now, but is there potential? Can that potential be explored without your child getting hurt? If so, I would stick with it, 20 years of friendship is a lot to let go of.

Maybe everyone's expectations just need to be shifted a little to all be in-line with each other? I know the people I have been friends with for 20 years are ones I don't want to lose over something I might later look back on as insignificant. And I know that my friends' relationships with my child are important to all parties. As long as you can protect your child from disappointment, which will become evident after some real open communication.

What about you meeting up with her on your own for a chat? This way if she cancels then DC won't be upset, but if she shows you can remind her how important your friendship is, and see if you can get things rolling again in a more positive way?

Yes, she might have been selfish and rude lately but, in the grand scheme of things, she hasn't done anything terrible. I know I've forgiven friends for much bigger things and think it was worth it for the friendships we've managed to maintain. Sometime,s just like a romantic relationship, friendships go through a bit of a bad patch and need some work and a dose of understanding and forgiveness to survive. I guess you just need to decide if this 20 year friendship is worth working for, or if it has come to its end and needs to fizzle out.

[Topaz25]

She has a nerve calling you immature when she is the one who is being unreliable and not keeping up with her commitments! I don't think you are going to be able to have the friendship that you wanted with her because she has repeatedly insulted you, doesn't support your decisions and when you told her she had upset your son rather than apologising she went on the defensive! Apparently she can do no wrong! It would be different if she apologised and wanted to work on the friendship. I would cool the friendship and not rely on her for anything.

[QueenofKelsingra]

i understand that 'other people's children are boring' - but not when they are your godchildren! I don't invite my childless friends to my kids' parties for this reason. She chose and accepted to be his godmother and that makes it different surely?

[bodygoingsouth]

I agree other people's children are very boring but I wouldn't intentionally upset one by saying I would visit and then not turn up. that's nasty.

[LessMissAbs]

Its up to you but I don't think its reasonable to expect other people to find small childrens' birthday parties fascinating. Friends can't provide everything and I like friends from a variety of different experiences, because they challenge you sometimes and stop you getting stuck in a rut.

I think she's trying to tell you (without wanting to be rude in actually saying it) that she is more interested in you as a person rather than as a mother of children. Maybe she didn't really want to be a godparent, but didn't want to let you down. Maybe she will find it more interesting once her godchild is a bit older.

[QueenofKelsingra]

noodle she is devoutely Christian herself, its part of why we picked her, we wanted someone who understood and respected the Christian values we are raising our children with. this is why i am so annoyed and upset, (for DS mainly) as she knew exactly what the role was, we even insisted all GPs took some time to think about agreeing so they could look into the role. she knew it was not a ceremonial role.

DH thinks it stems from her not being able to cope with our life (she is single and no DC, very good job, i am married, SAHM with 3 DC). We've been friends for nearly 20 years.

[NoodleOodle]

Perhaps ask your vicar for advice? I made a film about baptism for a local vicar once, explaining all the roles and rituals etc. Maybe she hasn't taken it as seriously as you intended, and would be able to step up to the mark if she knew what the expectations generally are, Though this wouldn't go down well in an accusatory way, more a reminder of the vows she has taken. Would people be so quick to drop a marriage? I think it might be worth pursuing if she's a good person who just hasn't taken to being a godparent in the same way as you intended the relationship. It is generally good for children to have more rather than less adults looking out for their best interests and guiding them through life IMO. This could just be a bit of a false start in what could later turn out to be a great avenue of support for your child and for her, maybe. Only you can know though.

[LoonvanBoon]

I think I'd be distancing myself emotionally at this point, Queen.

I saw your other thread & got the impression that your friend really didn't care if she upset / offended you. The behaviour you've described above seems to corroborate that.

I think you were right to let her know her behaviour wasn't okay & that she'd disappointed your son / her godson. That gave her an opportunity to apologize or to explain if there are issues in your friendship that are causing her problems. Instead she chose to be defensive & insulting towards you.

I just wouldn't bother contacting her again in your situation. I know that doesn't provide much sense of closure, but personally I'm not keen on dramatic declarations that friendships are over. If you chose to go for the latter, though, I think you'd probably be justified!

[QueenofKelsingra]

angel we don't usually talk much by phone, we usually have text conversations.

[QueenofKelsingra]

re:expecting a lot of her as GM - this is all driven by her, not me. She was the one who wanted to do it, she was the one who keeps talking about spending time, she was the one who wanted some time just with him and not his siblings to do special 'godmother to godson' things/treats - and none of it ever happens. she never even drops a text to ask how he is or anything (which the other godparents often do and they all see the DC more often than her)

i know she couldn't help being ill but wouldn't that make you more keen to see him if you missed the party? that's why i said that, i just cant understand how you would then 'forget' in these circs (and she had organised this meet up, not me!)

i will definitely not be mentioning if she plans to visit again, its not fair on DS to be let down like that. will be interesting to see if she even bothers though.

[WipsGlitter]

It's harsh but some people don't hold being a godparent I such stead.

[angeltulips]

It sounds like she is trying to drop you as a friend. So you might not have to do much! Perhaps she's one of those people that just can't come to terms with people who are parents & has lost interest.

That said, you sound a bit passive aggressive too. Why are you having these conversations by text? Just ring her in future.