I know IABU. Hate myself at the moment.

[tryingreallytrying]

My dd (14) is driving me up the effing wall. Find myself shouting at her. Don't want to. Just had huge row as she is SO RUDE. Have been trying to ignore it, let it wash over, be polite back the last few days, but just snapped and was horrible back.

Not good at being saintly.

Very upset. Wish I could manage this parenting lark calmly. Have 2 other dcs but they don't drive me up the wall.

Know I was wrong and should be the grown-up no matter how grim she is but so hard.

bit that's not a bad attitude from you. My mum use to do the same with me and my siblings - if can can count and do it calmly the affect on the stubborn gobshite spouting the shit is amazing trust me, I know!

trying I always find that ignoring and being pleasant back works for a while but that a good reaction to show DCs just how annoying! rude etc they are being can be extremely useful!

EmmaBemma - it's because if you clamped down every single time they were rude, you'd be clamping down on every bloody word! And really not have much of a relationship. :( And because they're hormonal and not entirely rational, and pushing boundaries and wanting more freedom than they could actually handle, and imagine they know everything (which they didn't when they were little) so argue more etc etc.

My dd has always been slightly 'harder work' than my dd2 and somewhat anxious/mopey, but the extreme rudeness towards us only started with the teenage years. (Maybe the worries etc coming out in other ways as they get older?) And I think that's quite common.

I get that blazing rows are far from ideal but there's got to be a middle ground between that and sucking it up, surely.

Emma. It is like YouTheCat says. Like her I am out the other side.
The problem comes when you have discussed the same things 100 times. it can be a phase that they mature out of. So you get to choose your battles and bear in mind hormones.

I feel your pain OP.

I just rowed with dd over whether a set of traffic lights had a camera on them or not - jeeze I need to learn to pick my fights!

It's just the ruddiness that comes with every slight disagreement - not the subject matter itself. I was never so rude to my mother.

I've been royally kicking myself for the past few hours too.

rudeness

Ah, ok trying. Sorry, cross posted. I understand better now.

Awww BitOutOf, I remember having to go away with my parents when there was a lad somewhere else I'd rather be, it's awful (I bit all my long nails off in protest, much to my mums chagrin )

But don't be kicking yourself, it's alright to prove the point sometimes. How quickly does she calm down? Luckily DD flares up quickly but it goes just as fast, and she'll back down and apologise (at the minute) which is important to me.

14 is a bit of a transition age with family holidays isn't it? Not young enough to be palmed off with some peppa pig crap but not old enough to want to be seen anywhere near The Parents.

Sorry my Grammer went a bit to pot there! Meant to say bit that calmly saying ok! that's fine! don't come on holiday if you don't want to! with a smile and wander off will take the wind right out of her sails.

They truly truly cannot see how unreasonable they are. Seriously, until y have a dd going they it, you cannot understand. OMG my dd has been an actual psychopath. Just totally self centered self obsessed, didn't care about anyone or anything but herself, no empathy ... But she was a lovely child and is now friggin adorable 90% of the time!
She still can't see the wrong in her previous behaviour, apparently it's me and her dad who've changed ,,,,

Teenagers, in my experience, never back down. If you get stroppy back at them, you are pretty much guaranteeing the eruption of your own private Vesuvius. I hate being back chatted by a child, regardless of their age, and after many, many altercations, I read a book about raising teenage girls.

I thought it was rubbish, but I did follow the advice one day out of sheer desperation. I was just so cheesed off with arguing. Rather than bite back, I walked away and came back and said to dd that I understood how hard a day she must have had and how much I loved her. She huffed off, but was her normal old self before too long.

Thank God...she hasn't barked at me for weeks now (nearly a month!). It may just be coincidence, but I like to think the strategy of not biting does work. And I try to find dd doing things right as much as I can, so when she does things wrong, I can mention it without too many eruptions.

I feel your pain and know how hard teen girls can be.

I know Agent, I'm a vile cow for wanting to take her away for some sunshine and beach in February. It's positively cruel of me

She is just at the stage where her friends are becoming the be all and end all in her life and you're right it's an awkward stage.

When I spoke to her dad about it and said she'd be at his for the week she was really upset and said she was just coming to apologise. I dunno. She chages like the wind. 10 minutes before we had been laughing and joking in the car.

I need to learn to respond more calmly because I definitely contributed to the escalation of the situation which is just daft.

I think it's fine to point out that they're being rude. You don't have to totally ignore it.

But it should be like Laurie's husband does, in a casual comment, rather than by shouting back and having a blazing row. It upsets both of you, is undignified, you end up saying stuff you don't mean and coming up with ludicrously OTT punishments you then have to actually carry out - or back down on.

I think dd wants to know she's loved - even when she behaves like a cow. And sometimes that is bloody hard.

I'm doing well today. Dd has been rude from the time she woke up till late afternoon, refused to come out to lunch with us, is still in her pjs, threw a shirt at me, screamed at me that it was my duty to order her a new anorak for school (she has one, she just wants another version of same one with a different shinier outer layer) and is generally being screechy screechy drama queen between cuddles, pancakes, pizza eating and doing homework.

I am refusing to buy the anorak (as I say, she has one already) I've fed her. I had a nice outing with her yesterday. We talked on the bus very amicably yesterday. I've cuddled her this morning. I've not risen to the I'm not leaving the house line. I've left the room whenever she starts screaming rather than retorting. I've refused to discuss iphones (her current rant..she wants one)

I'm hoping it is PMT and will be over in three days!!!!![fervently crosses fingers] she is 12 and in year 7 at school.

she is now trying to get her Dad to buy the anorak

Today I drew a line in the sand. This morning when she was a good mood, I said I will always look after her, and she can always rely on me, (until I'm 80) whatever her behaviour. I hope that will sustain us through the present ranting

I think they're just doing the same thing as they've always done through each phase of their lives, trying out different roles and personas.

It's playing let's pretend, they see other girls/tv talking in that 'sassy' way and are testing it out.

My DD's always had a backchatting habit OP, and is anxious, sometimes I can see it coming on and warn her off taking it out on us. She's just started doing this horrible short squeal thing when something doesn't go right for her, I'm sure she's picked it up from school because it's only been the past couple of weeks. Urgh, DD2's 4 and she squeals too

I have fantasized about poking my ear drums out with a pencil.

I so sympathise with you.
I have just finished reading 'How to listen so teenagers will talk and how to talk so teenagers will listen' or the other way round....
It's a bit American but has some really helpful strategies so that you feel empowered etc..
Having said that, as someone upthread said, we all have out tipping points and it is not unreasonable to convey that, either premeditively or as a result of loosing one's temper. It's just you feel rubbish if it ends in the latter.
laurie your DP sounds like he could develop a business in 'coping with Teenagers' He sounds fabulous, tell him from me!

I so sympathise with you.
I have just finished reading 'How to listen so teenagers will talk and how to talk so teenagers will listen' or the other way round....
It's a bit American but has some really helpful strategies so that you feel empowered etc..
Having said that, as someone upthread said, we all have out tipping points and it is not unreasonable to convey that, either premeditively or as a result of loosing one's temper. It's just you feel rubbish if it ends in the latter.
laurie your DP sounds like he could develop a business in 'coping with Teenagers' He sounds fabulous, tell him from me!

Hang onto this thought:

It WILL pass.

Honest! I have four aged 16-22. The two girls were stroppy and vile (sometimes alternately, sometimes at the same time) and peaked at about 16 before magically returning to being human between17-18. I remember at one stage wondering whether it would be easier to divorce dh (who is generally a lovely, calm man) during the worst of it as DD1 did everything she could to pick fights with him!

Then we had Ds1.. who would have won an Olympic gold in bad teen behaviour and attitiude.. stole, lied, swore, punched holes int eh walls.. and OMG the strops. Started at 12 and gave us 4 hellish years before he started to improve. He's now 20 and honestly is a lovely, honest, hardworking young man! DS2 is autistic and frankly has been by FAR the easiest!!

One thing we HAD to do was to not interfere with eachother.. DS1 would start a fight with me, DH would wade in and it would be much worse. so we agreed that no matter what, only one of us would deal with the argument . We also repeated over and and over 'we love you but not your behaviour' to try and reassure him that no matter what, we'd still care.

I am now grey... but they HAVE grown up and HAVE grown out of the hideous raging bundles of hormones and resentment that they were!

Hang on !

BitOutOfPractice - think you're doing better than me if you're getting laughing/smiling and apologising.

DD is basically rude and sarky with every single comment ATM - very wearing. We tried to watch a film with her last night after ds asleep - dd bit my head off every time I made a light-hearted comment saying that that was why she hated watching films with me, I just ruined it by interrupting and commenting on characters/actors etcv (I have seen the film before as has dh). I'd only said about 2 things and neither about the plot!

Anyway, I left dh to it and came upstairs and relaxed...couldn't be arsed to be insulted. Shame as quite a good film.

But this behaviour v wearing. Wish dd would get a grip and sort herself out. She wants more autonomy - which I'll give her when she behaves like an adult and not like a tantruming toddler.

sorry posted twice !

oh no op it's very important that children/teens actually see the conveniences of their actions. being a teenager is no bloody excuse to be rude. emotional yes, anxious yes but rude er no.

tell her unless you get an apology she gets no lifts, money for treats or her washing/ cooking done.

if mine were rude at school I would tell the teachers to punish them as they see fit.

absolutely unacceptable. I didn't allow toddler tantrums do fuck teenage ones.

my youngest is 14 now. she is emotional and gets angry but smooth rudeness no.

You made it out?

Alive?

You're awesome.

trying why didn't you tell your dd to 'fuck off upstairs' she wasn't enjoying the film and being so rude to you.

it's your bloody house. why did you go upstairs?

Because she and dh were half way through watching it and dh would have been upset. I wasn't that bothered and was happy to come and lie down and relax upstairs, snack etc...

Would others tell their dcs to f off if they didn't like it?

In truth, dh would have been upset because dd chooses to spend such little time with anyone else in the family, that he valued the opportunity to do this (and don't think she was being rude to him before I came down, though not exactly massively friendly either). I'd rather she was watching a film with dh than spending no time with either of us at all. :(

A theme is beginning to emerge for me at least...

dd's tantrum earlier today was provoked by me saying she was a bit like Miss Piggy (I meant that as a compliiment..you know the flouncy powerful woman rather than anything to do with being fat (she is totally not fat anyway, or even plump)or unreasonable and wondering if we could watch a clip of her on the Muppets. BIG MISTAKE.

teenagers hate being teased. They have absolutely no sense of humour about themselves, hate being embarassing or embarassed or losing face. They don't see any advantage in being a lovable clown or geek or joker, till later teens.

I should remember that next time, rather than expect dd to take a joke. Their self esteem is like sugar paste at this stage and our jokes aren't much fun for them.

Dd doesn't do irony, or black humour, she perceives it all as sarcasm or meanness.

Anyway, that is my resolution for the day..no teasing of teens!